Daughter in law uncomfortable with people holding her baby .

Come on Gransnetters! If the OP had focussed only on the sadness of not holding her new grandchild maybe the responses would have been more gentle even supportive. But there were so many criticisms of the parenting - including warnings of a neurotic child. I think that was bound to cause a reactio From us!

My daughter in law was the same with baby number one. She wouldn't leave him even with grandparents. Baby number two was a different story. She couldn't wait to get grandparents involved Only to pleased for time on her own. Give your daughter in law some time.

I really don’t understand berating Bonbon 8888 for wanting to hold her grandson. It’s the most natural thing in the world to welcome a new grandchild into the family especially all the difficulty suffered. My mum was totally involved from the word go and I appreciated any help I was given as a new mother.
Within my family we believe in sharing all the love around and the more love a child receives the more adjusted he will be.

Congratulations! It takes time to get used to being a grandmother, and fitting in with the new parents' wishes and concerns. Things settle down in time. Sad to see some very unsympathetic responses on here. Always seems to happen on threads like this. It's lovely you are involved and I'm sure the cuddles will increase in time. The new mum is naturally protective. I used to think my f-i-l would drop the baby - I'm sure that's not the case with you though! We had to he quiet as mice when our gc were asleep too. It's lovely to be told as a new mum what a great job you're doing, something I never got from my mother or m-i-l. Enjoy this precious time gazing at your new gc and supporting the parents in any way you can. ?

I’m sorry but despite your understandable desire to hold the lovely new grandchild, the rest of your message makes me wonder how respectful you are to the new little family. There is no research backing the idea that an 8 week old will be made neurotic by being fussed over or not subjected to light and noise. There is plenty of research showing that the worries of parents of miracle babies can lead them to be unhappy and anxious. Maybe love your little family, praise them and support them and let them adjust to the miracle and the change and stress the miracle brings.

Some of the replies are less than sympathetic. Of course it's true it's not your baby but if you are a maternal person your arms must ache to hold him. I can understand both your DiL's and your point of view. Just hang in there in be the sympathetic, warm MiL I'm sure you are. She will come round, especially if she manages to have another.

Norah

Madgram77 of course OP is entitled to post her thoughts here.

I just find OP thoughts overly entitled, you feel differently.

Yes we do feel differently. Hey ho

Madgram77 of course OP is entitled to post her thoughts here.

I just find OP thoughts overly entitled, you feel differently.

Norah

Madgran77

I never cease to be amazed at the entitlement of grandparents who think they have rights to their child's child

I never cease to be amazed at the rush to accuse GPs of entitlement as soon as they come on GN and ask for advice and any thoughts on their worries ...even when there is no suggestion of "an entitled attitude" in the OP!! .

Madgram77 Below is OPs entitled attitude:

Anytime we come to visit she doesn’t like anyone to hold him. The few times I do she hovers over me like a hawk and looks for any opportunity to take him back . If he fusses and has a wet diaper she takes him from me to change him. I’ve offered to change him but she won’t hear of it and then my holding time with him has ended.

OP wants her way.

Seemingly dil is not allowed to want baby back to change a wet diaper. It appears OP doesn't like mum "hovering over" baby?

How is OP attitude not entitled, by any standard?

I don't agree Norah! She is describing what happens that worries her because from her perspective she sees the behaviour as overanxious etc. Many on here have explained to her in ways that she can understand and "hear" that in the circumstances that anxiety is understandable, they have helped her to consider that within the bigger picture etc. She may be also describing how she would love to hold the baby, help by changing a nappy, but that doesn't make her entitled automatically - most would like that, that doesn't mean they feel entitled to it.

choughdancer expresses very well why the OP is not being entitled, why the DIL is not wrong, and that there is a way forward that should end happily for all. Hopefully that will be the case for the OP who is perfectly entitled to come on GN and express her worries without being accused of something she really has not implied, suggested and does not deserve to have assumed!

Lucca

Norah

Lucca Just to be clear ….I don’t feel entitled at all. I have always waited to be invited, followed the parents lead and the relationship has been easy all along

Exactly how all GP should act.

New babies are wonderful, grandparents should try to recall how hard new babies are and wait patiently to be invited.

But…as I said before I was invited to visit and hold her on day2 , her parents being the ultimate in “chilled”

I was agreeing with you Lucca perhaps I was unclear.

Madgran77

*I never cease to be amazed at the entitlement of grandparents who think they have rights to their child's child*

I never cease to be amazed at the rush to accuse GPs of entitlement as soon as they come on GN and ask for advice and any thoughts on their worries ...even when there is no suggestion of "an entitled attitude" in the OP!! .

Madgram77 Below is OPs entitled attitude:

Anytime we come to visit she doesn’t like anyone to hold him. The few times I do she hovers over me like a hawk and looks for any opportunity to take him back . If he fusses and has a wet diaper she takes him from me to change him. I’ve offered to change him but she won’t hear of it and then my holding time with him has ended.

OP wants her way.

Seemingly dil is not allowed to want baby back to change a wet diaper. It appears OP doesn't like mum "hovering over" baby?

How is OP attitude not entitled, by any standard?

Norah

Lucca Just to be clear ….I don’t feel entitled at all. I have always waited to be invited, followed the parents lead and the relationship has been easy all along

Exactly how all GP should act.

New babies are wonderful, grandparents should try to recall how hard new babies are and wait patiently to be invited.

But…as I said before I was invited to visit and hold her on day2 , her parents being the ultimate in “chilled”

Neither of you deserve criticism for how you feel; just help to see why the other may be behaving as they are. At this moment in your grandchild's life, his parents, especially his mother, don't have time or headspace to do anything more than to be new parents, so please just lovingly give your DIL space to do this. If she feels supported by you, your future relationship with her, your son and grandchildren has a chance of developing into a warm one
I can visualise you both sitting down in the future and chatting about the time when you were SO desperate to hold him, and she was So desperate to protect him from the tiniest risk!

Very wise, thoughtful, helpful and well-expressed advice!

I never cease to be amazed at the entitlement of grandparents who think they have rights to their child's child

I never cease to be amazed at the rush to accuse GPs of entitlement as soon as they come on GN and ask for advice and any thoughts on their worries ...even when there is no suggestion of "an entitled attitude" in the OP!! .

Thanks everyone for your two cents.I’ve reading all this. I am an American posting on a British site wanting to hear your perspective on this topic. Love the Brits. Always have. ?

So thankful for your wisdom and advice especially coming from a Doula. I thought about PSD especially after what she had gone through . ?

Thank you for such a caring and loving response. I love my daughter in law. I am not an “Entitled” personality as suggested in this forum. I have been so supportive when she was going through her troubles and cried with her with all her trials and tribulations . My son has encouraged me to come by and hold the baby . I don’t barge in and proclaim “ here I am ,let me hold him” and I feel sad that she is so scared but I give her the space she needs.

sarahcyn, what a sensible post!

Thank you sacyn, that’s what I was getting at in my post. I do know a situation where there was /is indeed a mental health issue which is why I brought up the possibility - slight but still there - of something more worrying developing.

choughdancer that is a very insightful and beautiful story. I wish I’d read this thread while my ds1 and dil went through infertility and pregnancy. I’m sure the OP and others will find it very helpful.

sarahcyn

Dear OP, I'm a baby and child sleep consultant and doula and first of all, don't worry about your grandchild growing up neurotic. He's only 8 weeks old and being held by his mum is the best thing for him at this early stage, trust me it isn't doing him any harm at all. But I do agree with you that by 8 weeks even "attachment-parenting" parents are happy to hand their darling over once in a while but hey, it's their baby and their way. Maybe when he's a bit more wriggly and grabby she won't mind you minding him for an hour or two. Patience!
Yes, it's true that keeping a different atmosphere for night time sleep and daytime naps is generally thought a good idea as it helps baby develop a sense of day versus night. But hey, he's thriving and how lucky they are that he's sleeping 7 hours straight...so they must be doing something right! And did you know that the official definition of a child "sleeping through the night" is 5 hours? Not what I'd call a full night's sleep...but there you go. Babies are different.
What you might have more reason to be concerned about is your daughter in law's postnatal mental health. If her highly protective attitude to the baby is out of character and continues past 3 months, then it could be - just could be - a red flag for PND. In which case she needs to chat with her GP but again, that's not your responsibility. What she needs from you, and what all grandparents can freely supply, is masses of reassurance and encouragement. I think the most welcome and treasured words I ever heard from my mother were "you're such a good mother". (well, it beats "you would look so lovely if you lost a stone", which was her more usual refrain)

Thank you, great post.

As so often on GN, things go from the sublime to the ridiculous so fast. Of course mum's requests need to be fully supported and respected. And a grand-mother going full on Matriach and controlling is totally OTT.

Common sense is somewhere in between. Thanks.

@choughdancer what a beautiful story.

Dear OP, I'm a baby and child sleep consultant and doula and first of all, don't worry about your grandchild growing up neurotic. He's only 8 weeks old and being held by his mum is the best thing for him at this early stage, trust me it isn't doing him any harm at all. But I do agree with you that by 8 weeks even "attachment-parenting" parents are happy to hand their darling over once in a while but hey, it's their baby and their way. Maybe when he's a bit more wriggly and grabby she won't mind you minding him for an hour or two. Patience!
Yes, it's true that keeping a different atmosphere for night time sleep and daytime naps is generally thought a good idea as it helps baby develop a sense of day versus night. But hey, he's thriving and how lucky they are that he's sleeping 7 hours straight...so they must be doing something right! And did you know that the official definition of a child "sleeping through the night" is 5 hours? Not what I'd call a full night's sleep...but there you go. Babies are different.
What you might have more reason to be concerned about is your daughter in law's postnatal mental health. If her highly protective attitude to the baby is out of character and continues past 3 months, then it could be - just could be - a red flag for PND. In which case she needs to chat with her GP but again, that's not your responsibility. What she needs from you, and what all grandparents can freely supply, is masses of reassurance and encouragement. I think the most welcome and treasured words I ever heard from my mother were "you're such a good mother". (well, it beats "you would look so lovely if you lost a stone", which was her more usual refrain)

What a lovely post choughdancer.
?

I can see this from both angles, having been infertile and going through 10 years of investigations, some painful and unpleasant, in several countries. I was incredibly lucky in the end to have a baby by IVF, and then another, again by IVF, three years later. With my first I had an emergency caesarean, followed by my baby having to be kept in Special Care for several days as I'm a Type 1 diabetic (this doesn't happen now thank goodness!). So when she finally was allowed to stay in my room with me, I was incredibly nervous of anyone holding her, even myself! I know all the in-law family held her, as I have photographs, but all I wanted was to cuddle her, get to know her, breast feed etc.
My MIL and SIL were very critical, once my baby was home, about my feeding her on demand, cuddling her when she cried etc. etc., but my memory of my mum is hearing her washing up in the kitchen while I spent time with my daughter, and no criticism!

When I became a granny, twenty-two years later, I didn't meet my granddaughter until she was about eight weeks old, of course I longed to hold her just like the OP does; surely that wish is totally natural? But I was led by my daughter, holding the baby while sitting, watched by her, and handing her back immediately when asked to. I have always respected hers and her partner's way of parenting and just tried to be supportive and helpful.

OP I can see that your wishes to hold the baby (I think it is instinctive in women) are completely normal and natural. I can feel your DIL's instinct to protect her (hard-won) precious baby from any risk at all, and even to be a little more protective than other new mothers; completely normal and natural too.

Neither of you deserve criticism for how you feel; just help to see why the other may be behaving as they are. At this moment in your grandchild's life, his parents, especially his mother, don't have time or headspace to do anything more than to be new parents, so please just lovingly give your DIL space to do this. If she feels supported by you, your future relationship with her, your son and grandchildren has a chance of developing into a warm one.
I can visualise you both sitting down in the future, and chatting about the time when you were SO desperate to hold him, and she was So desperate to protect him from the tiniest risk!