Daughter in law uncomfortable with people holding her baby .

Lucca Just to be clear ….I don’t feel entitled at all. I have always waited to be invited, followed the parents lead and the relationship has been easy all along

Exactly how all GP should act.

New babies are wonderful, grandparents should try to recall how hard new babies are and wait patiently to be invited.

A parent who puts her /their child first is NEVER a problem Kate54
The OP needs to TRY to understand how difficult her DIL's history has been .THIS child is much wanted and she may well be overprotective in your eyes but she will feel this baby is the most precious child ever born .
Most people who visited me when my prem son came home were lovely and kept their distance,smoked outside when asked and appreciated our need to keep him safe from germs .Sadly there were one or two who thought it was funny to kick the side of the cot"accidentally" to wake him and then swoop in and pick him up .As they were family I felt I should just put up with it,its different times now though and I would certainly be much more vocal about visitors behaviour.
Like your DIL OP I have a history of miscarriage and neo natal deaths ,the live children I got to bring home are my life, anyone who thinks they have RIGHTS where they are concerned would not be welcome here and yes that would include parents .
Our children our choice in who gets within breathing distance ,wait until you are invited to visit and never believe you have a right to do anything without his parents agreeing

Gosh, this turned into quite a thread! The advice to take a step back, respect parents’ wishes etc is good BUT I would keep a careful eye on how this develops. Most new parents after a while are delighted at offers of help. If, down the line, you did suspect a potential problem, how you then deal with it is another matter. Fingers crossed you get your cuddles soon!

Bonbon8888

Thanks for all the feedback some comments harsher than others but I opened myself out there for all to see so I should expect to see all opinions.

Yes you did, some of the comments were not only harsh but spiteful statements with no advise. The one that stood out was making it all about you and nothing else.No other advice.
I would bide my time, and not push anything with the baby. Congratulations on being a Nana.

Eight weeks is such early days and the first thing to remember is that bringing up baby is now totally different to when you were doing it!! Just go with the flow and enjoy watching baby whoever is holding them.

Didn't mean to be patronising, just searching for an analogy to compare the enormity of becoming a parent for the first time to. Bobbon8888, sorry if you felt patronised.

Lovelycuppa this thread isn't about you so please don't derail it.

I have a darling granddaughter, who was an IVF baby and can understand the reasons for your DIL's behaviour.and anxiety.

I suspect you have no idea how traumatic the IVF process is for couples, my poor DIL was very unwell and it took a toll on my son and DIL's mental health.

Sorry to sound harsh, but it is not your baby, your son and DIL are the parents. You should keep your own counsel, that's what I did. Now I have a great relationship with my DIL, who messages me every day to check on me.

Given time, things should settle down. It's love and support your DIL needs, not criticism. You say the wee one is thriving, so she is obviously doing something right.

It was a long time ago, but I do remember that although I allowed others, family members and friends to hold my first baby, I was not happy about it at all, and sat watching until I could grab him back.We are all different in this respect, it is not anything wrong about you OP.

lixy

Oh please, please enjoy being the mother of your son and supporting him as much as you can as he adjusts to being a dad.
Enjoy being a MiL too, and support your DiL in any way you possibly can.
Being a grandparent is great fun, but we were mothers first and the Gchild's parents are still our children no matter how old they are, needing the same kind of support and reassurance as they did on their first day at school.

Congratulations on becoming a Gma, it's a lovely relationship to develop over the coming years. I really hope you enjoy it.

'Being a grandparent is great fun, but we were mothers first and the Gchild's parents are still our children no matter how old they are, needing the same kind of support and reassurance as they did on their first day at school.'

Only neither my husband or I do need the same kind of reassurance as we did on our first day of school when we were 4 years old! I find that rather patronising.

I never cease to be amazed at the entitlement of grandparents who think they have rights to their child's chld.

I never cease to be amazed at the entitlement of adult children who think they have rights to their child’s grandparents when it comes to free childcare!!

Personally I can't imagine having had several miscarriages. I can't imagine having a baby during the pandemic.
I'm not surprised she's very, very careful.

Thanks for all the feedback some comments harsher than others but I opened myself out there for all to see so I should expect to see all opinions.

Like Zoejory I resented people wanting to hold my baby... even my own lovely mother. I had to grit my teeth to hand the 1st one over. The "pass the parcel" school of parenting was not for me!

Some mums are naturally fiercely protective.

MawtheMerrier

I never cease to be amazed at the entitlement of grandparents who think they have rights to their child's chld.
No wonder there are so many estranged families, grand mothers who have not realised or accepted that they are no longer the matriarch - the no.1 person.
Perhaps that was their experience as young mothers themselves- what goes around comes around.
I have 3 daughters and 6 grandchildren I would die for but they are their children and I am happy to respect that.

I wish you could have been my MIL! Your first sentence sums up my MIL but, not only did she have rights, she had more rights than us and we were expected to adjust to what she wanted with our children for herself. She ended up with no relationship at all because she refused to accept what worked for us.

Just to be clear ….I don’t feel entitled at all. I have always waited to be invited, followed the parents lead and the relationship has been easy all along
My point exactly Lucca

bTW, my children were always sensitive sleepers. Noise or movement would wake them instantly. They sleep just fine now.

I totally get you wanting to hold the baby. I love cuddling babies and I know I would want to hold the baby. However, your DIL has her reasons that she is doing things the way they are, and they are what is right for her family and her baby.

Your son's baby might get unsettled if he is passed around leaving DIL and son with the consequences after you leave, maybe he's a bit clingy to his mother (quite okay), maybe she likes him close? Parents now are much more aware of giving baby privacy when changing diapers, so maybe she doesn't think it appropriate that anyone else than the parents do that task?

You'll just have to accept what is. As the child grows you'll get to interact more.

Oh please, please enjoy being the mother of your son and supporting him as much as you can as he adjusts to being a dad.
Enjoy being a MiL too, and support your DiL in any way you possibly can.
Being a grandparent is great fun, but we were mothers first and the Gchild's parents are still our children no matter how old they are, needing the same kind of support and reassurance as they did on their first day at school.

Congratulations on becoming a Gma, it's a lovely relationship to develop over the coming years. I really hope you enjoy it.

tickingbird

^Why do you need to hold the baby anyway?^

This!!

Why, whenever there’s an OP like this do people have to get snippy? Of course she wants to hold the baby fgs! Ok he’s not hers, we get that but wanting to hold her grandson is natural. Some people need to be a little more understanding. There’s nothing she can do but don’t act as if the OP is somehow in the wrong for wanting to hold her new grandson.

Totally agree, some of the comments here are very nasty. Why would a Gran not want to hold a baby.

MawtheMerrier

I never cease to be amazed at the entitlement of grandparents who think they have rights to their child's chld.
No wonder there are so many estranged families, grand mothers who have not realised or accepted that they are no longer the matriarch - the no.1 person.
Perhaps that was their experience as young mothers themselves- what goes around comes around.
I have 3 daughters and 6 grandchildren I would die for but they are their children and I am happy to respect that.

Just to be clear ….I don’t feel entitled at all. I have always waited to be invited, followed the parents lead and the relationship has been easy all along

I would never dream of expecting to change a grandchild’s nappy if one of the parents is present. I’d be perfectly happy to, but I neither expect nor hope to do it. I had my turn when my own children were babies, it’s their turn now.

I agree that babies get used to background noise. I used to vacuum with baby in a sling, or in the pram indoors. Dogs bark, doorbells ring, the radio is usually on!

When he cries she feeds him- it's called feeding on demand and it's the way most women breast feed their baby. Your DIL is not being neurotic she is doing things properly.
And you have held the baby, just not for as long as you want.
If you want to spend more time holding him you need to build an atmosphere of trust with your DIL and that means accepting her and the way she chooses to raise her baby. So try to stop criticising, and hand the baby back with good grace as soon as she looks worried. She's only going to trust you when she believes you will act as she wishes and hand the baby back when he needs his mum. Just now she can't trust you to do things her way, so she is going to stop you holding him for any length of time and watch you all the time you do.

I never cease to be amazed at the entitlement of grandparents who think they have rights to their child's chld.
No wonder there are so many estranged families, grand mothers who have not realised or accepted that they are no longer the matriarch - the no.1 person.
Perhaps that was their experience as young mothers themselves- what goes around comes around.
I have 3 daughters and 6 grandchildren I would die for but they are their children and I am happy to respect that.

My mother in law insisted on changing my 3 week old. She picked him up and left the room with him on one occasion. She also sat with him and wouldn’t give him back after I told her he needed feeding, my breasts were leaking and my anxiety was through the roof. I didn’t speak up, I was a brand new first time mum , I still remember that feeling if worry and anxiety in the pit of my tummy. With my second I was a lot stronger with her. What I could never understand was she was an experienced mother - how could she? You too are an experienced mother. You know how you feel when you’ve just had your first baby. The need to protect, the love hits you like a tonne of bricks. Be patient and support her. She won’t forget it and you will have a stronger bond with your grandchild if you support both their needs now. I personally have never trusted my mother in law again.

Madgran77

* the OP frankly seems to have the sensitivity of a gnat!*

I don't think her post implies that!

Yes - my response lacked subtlety I will grant you that! - but if it results in this grandmother re-thinking her stance then it can only be good all round.

I am amazed when grandparents think like this. It is so far removed from my mind set that I am left aghast!