Daughter in law uncomfortable with people holding her baby .

* the OP frankly seems to have the sensitivity of a gnat!*

I don't think her post implies that!

tickingbird

^Why do you need to hold the baby anyway?^

This!!

Why, whenever there’s an OP like this do people have to get snippy? Of course she wants to hold the baby fgs! Ok he’s not hers, we get that but wanting to hold her grandson is natural. Some people need to be a little more understanding. There’s nothing she can do but don’t act as if the OP is somehow in the wrong for wanting to hold her new grandson.

Quite! She is not in the wrong for WANTING to hold her grandson. She is not describing being difficult, insisting on keeping hold of him etc ...she obviously knows that would be unreasonable. She is just expressing her disappointment and worries at how things are turning out and asking for people's thoughts. Nothing she has said deserves a lecture or the assumptions that are being at the very least implied in some posts!

Hi Bonnie ,

Congratulations .

As your DIL had a tough time having a baby - she's extremely vigilant .

Just step back .

Don't criticise or push yourself on them .

Do something for yourself that you enjoy .

When your son and DIL want help - they will let you know .
It is up to them .
It is their baby .

It's disappointing for you and I certainly understand and sympathesise .

Anytime we come to visit she doesn’t like anyone to hold him. The few times I do she hovers over me like a hawk and looks for any opportunity to take him back Of course she does! - you have just said she doesn't like anyone to hold him; and there you are - holding him. What did you expect she would do?

and then my holding time with him has ended. - your holding time! How dare she take her own child to change his nappy!?

We have had so many of these threads where the OP frankly seems to have the sensitivity of a gnat! Sorry to be blunt, but it is either that or a wind-up.

This poor mum has walked through fire to become a parent and lived through a pandemic. Just be a gentle support on the side lines - because the side lines is the place where grandmas belong. If they are invited onto the playing field it is because they have proved themselves to be sensitive and kind.

tickingbird

^Why do you need to hold the baby anyway?^

This!!

Why, whenever there’s an OP like this do people have to get snippy? Of course she wants to hold the baby fgs! Ok he’s not hers, we get that but wanting to hold her grandson is natural. Some people need to be a little more understanding. There’s nothing she can do but don’t act as if the OP is somehow in the wrong for wanting to hold her new grandson.

I agree with this.
Doubly upsetting if the maternal grandmother is 'allowed' to hold the baby and be more involved than the mother in law.
I'm afraid I was guilty of the above when mine were small. I feel a bit ashamed now looking back, at not letting my mil be more involved.
I know it's natural for a new mother to gravitate more towards her own parents, but the new father also has parents, and they should also be involved. Fairs fair.
Having said the above, I hated other people holding my newborn. I always felt they weren't supporting their heads properly.
Same with feeding. I always wanted to say "hold the bottle more upright# can't you see they're getting air???

I know exactly how you feel Bonbon 8888. I was desperate to see my son's baby when he was born and of course I wanted to hold him. When I was eventually invited to visit, I was told I could hold him if I washed my hands first and then got approximately a minute and a half long cuddle.
My DiL is also very anxious and some of the things she and my son have done with the baby have astonished me. Especially taking it in turns to watch him as he slept for the first three months.
I have had to be very diplomatic, something that doesn't come naturally to me. I have also realised the big difference between being a Mum's Mum and a Dad's Mum. But we have all survived and I am now developing a good relationship with both Mum and baby.
Hang on in there! Offer support but don't get disheartened if it is rejected at the moment. Just let the new family know you are there if they need you but don't push.
Things will get better and if you handle the situation right now you will enjoy years of fun with your grandchild as they grow

i can see why they are keeping you at arms length.

It’s not your baby it’s there’s, and you should be concentrating on how exciting it is them having a welcomed baby, I didn’t want anyone holding all of mine when they were tiny babies, I did have music on and mine were used to noise from early age, but it’s their baby so their rules and you are making it about yourself

I agree with you, OP, but IMO best not to say anything. Given previous difficulties this is evidently a particularly precious baby - I dare say she’ll be more relaxed, given time.

Hithere is always harsh Lucca she doesn’t know how to use the soft pedal with anyone

Bonbon I think you just have to go with it with a very nervous first time mum who obviously has a difficult time getting pregnant and you have to fit in with her needs

I don’t personally understand how anyone can be so limited allowing cuddles but your son and daughter in law have to have their own rules honoured so that’s all there is to it

My first baby was born in HK and the Chinese love babies so everyone wanted to look, touch, or cuddle ? she’s 55 now ?

Lucca

Hithere

OP

So you think baby will be neurotic due to not having enough light and noises around him

Presents give you a right to hold the baby

Your son is not helping - he is parenting his baby

You do not approve of them hiring a nanny - were you expecting to be childcare?

You were expecting a different experience but this is how they are - your son also makes decisions in his family, not just dil

This is a nice bingo game - how to alienate the parents of a child in 10 days

So harsh.

More than - plain nasty.

Of course DIL's wishes have to be 'obeyed' and lip buttoned. But it is not 'normal'.

I had no parents and no-one to help with baby 1, and I would have so loved some support and someone loving to hold my baby sometimes. So so lucky that when baby 2 arrived, our amazing next door neighbour took us under her wing- and held baby lovingly and give me a break sometimes.

I didn't expect to hold my grandchildren but they made me.

I did not want my mother in law to hold my babies either

I think you just have to be patient. Do as they want or you could end up with a fraught relationship

Agree with Tickingbird and Fleurpepper.

I was invited to visit my DS DDIL and new DGD on day 2 ( 1.5 hours away). and cuddle her and 7 years on she is the absolute light of my life and my DIL has told me they consider me like a third parent.

Obviously I agree with the child’s parents “right” ( that’s not the correct word really but you know what I mean) to look after their child as they wish.

Congratulations!

A friend told me that we're often as, if not more, passionate about our grandchildren as we were with our own children. Of course you want to hold him, it's the maternal instinct.

However, you don't want to overpower your DiL who, in the circumstances, is probably more protective than most. Perhaps, instead of holding the baby, you could sometimes sit next to your son or DiL and hold his hand gently and talk or sing to him. Let their confidence grow.

Our experience with our GD hasn't been what we would have desired, but we still have a good close relationship with her.

Hithere

OP

So you think baby will be neurotic due to not having enough light and noises around him

Presents give you a right to hold the baby

Your son is not helping - he is parenting his baby

You do not approve of them hiring a nanny - were you expecting to be childcare?

You were expecting a different experience but this is how they are - your son also makes decisions in his family, not just dil

This is a nice bingo game - how to alienate the parents of a child in 10 days

So harsh.

My brother-in-law and his wife waited a long time to become grandparents (sister-in-law had equipped her spare room with baby clothes, baby bath, furniture etc) before the Cherished One arrived.

The delighted grandparents then learned what we had had to learn a few years before them- that they didn't know ANYTHING ABOUT BABIES AND HAD TO BE INSTRUCTED!! IF C.O. HAS EVEN A SPECK OF SUGAR OR SALT BEFORE HE IS 21 HIS LEGS WILL DROP OFF.

Brother & sister in law took it in good part, hung on in there and seem now to be an unpaid child-care service.

Want and need are a fine line

My children need icecream for breakfast - or do they want it?

tickingbird

^Why do you need to hold the baby anyway?^

This!!

Why, whenever there’s an OP like this do people have to get snippy? Of course she wants to hold the baby fgs! Ok he’s not hers, we get that but wanting to hold her grandson is natural. Some people need to be a little more understanding. There’s nothing she can do but don’t act as if the OP is somehow in the wrong for wanting to hold her new grandson.

Been sitting on my hands. Thanks for saying it. Of course it is natural, this is what loving grand-parents do- welcoming a baby into the world and the 'tribe'.

If my parents or parents in law had not wanted to hold my children, I would have found it cold and bizarre.

Why do you need to hold the baby anyway?

This!!

Why, whenever there’s an OP like this do people have to get snippy? Of course she wants to hold the baby fgs! Ok he’s not hers, we get that but wanting to hold her grandson is natural. Some people need to be a little more understanding. There’s nothing she can do but don’t act as if the OP is somehow in the wrong for wanting to hold her new grandson.

OP

So you think baby will be neurotic due to not having enough light and noises around him

Presents give you a right to hold the baby

Your son is not helping - he is parenting his baby

You do not approve of them hiring a nanny - were you expecting to be childcare?

You were expecting a different experience but this is how they are - your son also makes decisions in his family, not just dil

This is a nice bingo game - how to alienate the parents of a child in 10 days

Esspee

Her baby. She loves and cares for the child.
It is not about you.

Indeed.

I know the expression "this is not about you" is not from our time, but I surely struggled to express that to my mum. It's easier now, young mums seem to say more clearly what they want. Well done them.

Hi Bonnie

They sound like great parents and what is going on 1000000000% normal and expected

Why would a grandparetns change a diaper if the parents are there and they havent asked you to do it?

Watch their boundaries and your expectations - that's your downfall

For someone who doesn’t want to make it about me you’ve made a pretty good fist of it.

Her baby. She loves and cares for the child.
It is not about you.

At 8 weeks, when a baby is fussing, if it’s mother is in the picture then it wants and needs it’s mother; her smell, her voice. It’s very stressful for a new mother not be able to get to their baby when they are fussing or distressed so I’d say all is as it should be there.

As long as you stay close as a family and don’t push now and sour things, I’m sure as the baby grows and becomes more independent then your relationship will blossom and you will spend more time together.
I’m 51 and my own recollection going back into the 70s is that it’s the norm for mums to hold their small babies and other people to be asked if they want a hold, but the mum is the gatekeeper if you like.
I agree with you that it’s a good idea not to accustom the baby to silence and sepulchral light but it’s such a common first time parent thing I would bother mentioning it. I really don’t think it will result in a “neurotic” baby! ?

You just need to be patient.