A friend wants to come and stay

Grandtante the OP has booked a break away, for herself and her friend. Her friend is delighted with the arrangement.

grandtanteJE65, the OP has come back and said she is going away with her friend. No lying needed!

This is an awkward one, and I am not sure the advice "to have it out with your husband about him holding a grudge" is advice you should follow.

If I had done so in similar circumstances, it would have gone very badly indeed, I can tell you that.

Your husband has never particularly cared for this woman - that is not going to change now. Whether he is right or wrong is beside the point. You need to find a way to navigate in troubled waters.

I have a friend who does not get on with my husband, or he with her. The solution is that she stays in a B&B when in this area - her tactful suggestion as she is allergic to tobacco smoke, and my husband smokes, although not when in her company.

I would start by telling DH that you would still quite like to occasionally see your friend, but feel that three is such a awkward number, and you respect that he has never particularly cared for her, so you are thinking about either going to visit her for a short while, or suggesting to her that she stays in a B&B if she comes to you. That way, he does not need to see her at all.

To her you simply say that your husband has developed an allergy to the perfumes used in washing powders, shampoos etc. so you can no longer invite her to stay in your house.

I realise this is probably a lie, but you cannot very well say that your husband is becoming a grumpy old man, can you?

It does not sound to me as if you feel you can or should be completely honest with her and admit that your husband took offence about that bar bill and that as you cannot remember what exactly happened there is no way you can persuade him it was a genuine mistake, so fibbing is really the only option, unless you can make your or your husband's real or fictive health issues a reason for not inviting her.

Unless she has always been completely oblivious to the fact the your husband and she hardly hit it off with each other, she may well take the hint with relief.

Perhaps your friend sensed the lack of a warm welcome and was civil to your friend to suit you FleurP and it was your man she didn’t want to accommodate. Very strange.

It would be good if he could have a hobby where he can make everything as he wants according to his liking for exactness whereas the real world is messy and grey areas.

Model rail - build mini worlds - volunteers as accountant for charity?

Nothing wrong with counting every penny, in fact very sensible, but to hold a grudge against someone for four years over a possible miscalculation suggests a deeply unpleasant streak.

Enjoy your break your husband sounds as if he has a very ‘exact’ personality with no room for grey areas So very sensible to avoid those situations because he can’t change the way his mind works Black and white thinker

Just read through this Sheila and thanks for the update. Have a good time with your friend. Ignore Mr Grumpy, maybe he’d benefit from a creative hobby to replace hid penny counting tendencies ?

Enjoy your break, Sheila, go away and relax

A really big thank you to everyone who commented. It was really helpful to read all the suggestions and the responses had quite a calming effect on me too! I’ve spoken to my friend and organised a short mid-week break for the pair of us in November, saying (as many of you suggested) that I’d enjoy the visit more if we were on our own - and she was quite delighted with the suggestion so it was a lot easier than I imagined.
To answer some of the questions……
The amount involved was a few pounds at most and happened due to a miscalculation of splitting the bill - my friend paid and when asked how much we owed she said the wrong amount. My husband paid up without comment at the time and only brought it up later, after seething all evening. He is very good at mental arithmetic and doesn’t believe these kind of mistakes! The fact that it’s been regularly aired in the intervening years has just cemented the perceived dodginess in his head. We’ve known this couple for decades and we’ve always gone 50/50 on everything.
He’s got similar problems with other people- my friends mainly but I’ve got more friends than he has. Funnily enough he also has a problem if people are overly generous because then he thinks they’re trying to make him look like a cheapskate.
He’s not particularly mean but he does know exactly what things cost. For example he works out the total amount in shops before handing any money over so woe betide anyone who asks for the wrong amount. That’s pretty sensible really (wish I could be bothered to do it) and in his favour I would say that he would always point out an undercharging situation just as quickly as an overcharge. In his words he just likes things to be fair and he can’t be doing with a relaxed “it’ll all even out in the end approach”.
Thanks again everyone.

Ouch Fleurpepper what a shame but maybe your friend sensed that your DH was merely tolerating her and couldn't be doing with it.

and had to go to the expense of staying in a Hôtel!

Yes, I had a friend OH didn't really appreciate, but he always made her welcome and was civil. Until she asked for a huge favour and we travelled a long way to help, and she refused for us to stay overnight as too far to return in one day, as she could not possibly have a man stay there! That was it for him- we went, did the job, and that was that.

Fleurpepper

sheila63 has not come back about amount. Are we talking about 10 quid, 20, 50, 100 or more here?

It sounds as if the drinks bill might have been split in half but if Sheila had two lime and sodas, her DH had two halves of bitter and the other two had a couple of large red wines and whisky and sodas then £15 or £20 out?

I think we are considering a round of drinks! Fleurpepper

But presumably it's not really about that, more that DH doesn't like this old friend.

My DH had a friend I didn't like and it is definitely a "thing" . Perhaps it's because you wonder how they can like this awful person and also like you.

sheila63 has not come back about amount. Are we talking about 10 quid, 20, 50, 100 or more here?

DillytheGardener

@icanhandthemback what an awful thing to do. Why do people make other people’s weddings all about themselves?

What was the outcome in the end? Does your daughter have any relationship with them now? She would be justified in having nothing to do with them.

My daughter distanced herself from them but my SIL hasn't found the strength to do that despite being in and out of care as a child. She won't allow the children to visit either for a very goo reason which I won't go into but it means they aren't involved in their drama either.
At the wedding itself, where the stepfather insisted all the relations on their side leave or he would have nothing to do with them again, we were all a bit shell shocked. However, once we'd got over the shock we all made sure that the "happy" couple got the celebration they deserved and the hotel upgraded everything they could as they felt so sorry for them. Fortunately my daughter is a philosophical person with the calmness her father has so she was able to enjoy herself in the end.

I wish I hadn't mentioned my wedding problem - please ignore it or it'll hijack Sheila's post - I just wanted her to know she isn't alone in having a selfish husband with a bee in his bonnet about something which has nothing to do with him.
Your DH really has worked himself up into a fury over this trivial matter and if he's determined to 'let it out' there's no way of stopping him. So leave him to stew.
As everyone's said - the only thing to do is meet up elsewhere. There's no need to tell your friend why, unless you really feel you must.

@icanhandthemback what an awful thing to do. Why do people make other people’s weddings all about themselves?

What was the outcome in the end? Does your daughter have any relationship with them now? She would be justified in having nothing to do with them.

Aldom

You could, I suppose, go and stay with your friend in her home. Explaining, as others have said, that your husband is rather grumpy and that you would enjoy a little break.

Sounds the best plan to me.

mumofmadboys

I agree suggest meeting for a couple of nights in a place between the two of you and stay in a B and B or airbnb . Say it would be lovely to have a relaxed girlie time.

If your husband is right as regards costs, then could you end up paying most of the bill?

Apart from disliking your friend (which happens) your DH sounds a mean so and so.
Real friends or even acquaintances socially are not counting every penny. That would infuriate me. Stinginess is a horrible trait and I’m struggling with a very close male friend over this very issue.

He can't be trusted not to show himself and you in the worst possible light...

The only person he would be showing up would be himself. Ex-Dancer is not a reflection of her husband or responsible for his actions.

That said, our daughter's wedding was ruined by her in-laws who caused a scene at her wedding over imagined slights they'd been festering over during the weeks up to the wedding. It ruined the day for our daughter who was in bits, mortified our son-in-law and really browned off my husband who had paid for all their meals at exorbitant prices just for them to be left as they stormed out. If you want to avoid a similar scenario, make your husband stay at home.

JenniferEccles

Approximately how much money are we talking about here?

Surely not enough to wreck a friendship, upset a bereaved woman!

There's more to it than money unless he's Scrooge.

Just write or message and say that you've been putting off telling her but having people to visit now is a very bad idea because your DH is grumpy/anti-social/argumentative/disinterested....say whatever you like.
All of which is true.

Have a lovely weekend away from him, Sheila!

Approximately how much money are we talking about here?