A friend wants to come and stay

Oh dear.

Holding a grudge over something, whether justified or not, is not very nice.

Could you have gone to stay with your friend first, alone, instead of her coming to you? Perhaps then when chatting the matter can somehow be tactfully brought up.

I’m not a believer in telling fibs, but another idea would be for just you and your friend to meet up, maybe staying in a B&B or similar, with the reason that now she’s widowed, your DH would be a bit ‘not included’ anymore, and it would be better for just the two of you to have a good girly get together.

I still think it’s wrong for him to dredge up old hurts though.

I think your husband is being very unfair in not respecting your wishes even if he is right. He should just put it down to experience, move on and ensure it doesn’t happen again.

It is your husband who has the problem, harbouring a grudge over a possible bill miscalculation for four years. You need to have this out with him now and tell him you will not tolerate his nursing of grudges any more, your friend is coming to stay, and woe to him if he so much as mentions it, or any other instances where he thinks he has been defrauded. Why do you put up with it?

Just go and have a nice few days away with each other.
It’s often difficult staying with someone who’s still got a husband when you’re widowed. It mostly seems a bit awkward so I expect she’d rather be somewhere nice with just you

You can have a lovely time and no need for any upsets with anyone.

I agree it is your husband who has the problem, holding a minor grudge for 4 years. If you have known your friend for 50 years she must have some idea of what he's like. Surely you must know her well enough to phone her up and warn her that your husband may be planning to confront her about the bill? If he didn't confront her at the time, perhaps he won't now?

Or he can go and have a few days away metal detecting or motor racing or whatever he likes.

They just don’t have to spend any time together at your house. It’s it set in stone.

It’s not set in stone

I agree, meet on neutral ground and explain that your H is very antisocial now and it would be strained and awkward if she came to you.
I should also take your H to task over his attitude.
He is spoiling things for you.

Is your husband usually this petty I doubt your friend can remember a bar bill from 4 years ago. Why does your husband think she was trying to cheat him? Was it a huge amount of money or just a few pounds one way or another.

Is your DH often a bit um, 'difficult' over money and spending or is it that he has taken particular offence over this because he dislikes your friend anyway?
If the latter then it's past time for him to let it go and I hope you let him know that in no uncertain terms.
If the former, you have a bigger problem.
Meanwhile, to preserve your friendship, I suggest you and your friend either have a nice break somewhere together or ask your DH to take himself off for the duration of her visit, perhaps with a friend of his own for a blokes' break.

I'm afraid I would be honest to your friend and tell her that your husband has got a bee in his bonnet about money and you don't want to expose her to his unpleasantness.
I think he is being an *rse to consider behaving argumentatively towards somebody who has lost her husband and is probably needing a long standing friend. I would ask him to put this behind him on this occasion and just say that you will all pay your own bills in future as it is easier. That way, your friend need not upset him with the way she asks him for drink either as she can order and pay for them herself.

Oh dear, your Dh is making his own life miserable, isn’t he, Sheila? If he won’t see sense I think you could rightfully say to your friend that you won’t ask her to visit because he’s now a grumpy old so-and-so and you don’t want to inflict that on anyone else.

I guess you've got 3 choices.

1) Let her come and prewarn her of what she's going to walk into. Personally, I'd rather do it in an email, when you can very carefully craft what you wish to say.

2) As someone else has suggested, go away with her somewhere on your own. He may not like it, but he's caused the issue so...

3) Tell her she can't come.

I'd personally go for option 2.

Your husband sounds absolutely awful to be so fixated. Is he trying to capitalise on the fact that your girlfriend is now a widow? Not a doubt in my mind that I would meet up with her at 'lovely' place and have a memorable time together. Don't explain or make a big deal out of this with either of them. He'll know. She won't. Perfect.

My husband is just the same.

He's going to spoil our granddaughter's wedding because her Mum (our DIL) is divorcing our son, and has taken him to the cleaners. So he is determined to get up and make a speech denouncing her as a greedy mare.

Nothing to do with him but he's hell bent on venting his anger publicly.

So, as I say, I'm in the same place as you - mine's going to ruin the wedding, yours is going to ruin your friendship.

I agree with the majority here, you have the chance to suggest a girly stay somewhere between your homes which could become a tradition with you. Holiday homes are empty just now and reasonably cheap. I live in a National park and hotels and guest houses are desperate for visitors.

Tell her truthfully that your husband has grown into a grumpy sod and is likely to ruin her visit, and also say that you are tired of making big home cooked meals and she can help you by giving you an excuse to get away from housework for a few days.

Have fun deciding where to go - what about a Warner Leisure hotel (advertised on TV) or somewhere less expensive like Country Cottages?

You will never be comfortable with your husband in the picture, even if he were to agree not to raise the subject you wouldn't relax.

Gosh how unfortunate this wasn't just dealt with 4 years ago in the moment.

I'd likely suggest meeting elsewhere as well. If you can - I would explain while you were away why you felt unable to host at your house.

Good luck.

I agree suggest meeting for a couple of nights in a place between the two of you and stay in a B and B or airbnb . Say it would be lovely to have a relaxed girlie time.

Maybe its not really the money on the bar bill but he wants to
end the friendship or by threatening to bring it up is trying to
scare you into ending it. In your post you do say he didn't care for her very much.
Its sad, but now her husband is no longer around he's more
confident of acting the big guy, not a good look or attitude.
I was married to one such person and didn't realise untill they had all faded away bar one, that he got rid of most of my friends one way or another. Its the control of you in my experience.

Your husband does have a problem, doesn't he, Sheila if he wants to upset a bereaved woman over something petty that happened years ago, poor you, it must make him very unhappy and difficult for you to live with, too.

Suggest to your friend you meet somewhere else for a weekend away, just the two of you and leave him nursing his grievances and keeping them warm or else suggest you stay with her.
Meeting somewhere in the middle sounds the best idea, though.

ExDancer as for your husband - words (nearly) fail me! Is this an idle threat and he's just venting his anger? How dare he think he can wreck your DGD's wedding day, upset her and the mother of the bride too?
I would tell your DGD to uninvite him, he would not be welcome.

You could, I suppose, go and stay with your friend in her home. Explaining, as others have said, that your husband is rather grumpy and that you would enjoy a little break.

halfpint1

Maybe its not really the money on the bar bill but he wants to
end the friendship or by threatening to bring it up is trying to
scare you into ending it. In your post you do say he didn't care for her very much.
Its sad, but now her husband is no longer around he's more
confident of acting the big guy, not a good look or attitude.
I was married to one such person and didn't realise untill they had all faded away bar one, that he got rid of most of my friends one way or another. Its the control of you in my experience.

Yes, he doesn't want her to come so it's a form of control and blackmail.

Is he like this with all your friends, Sheila?

It is shocking that your OH would bear a grudge for so long and be determined to "have it out" with her even though she is comparatively recently bereaved. And he has grudges against others too! Oh dear.

As others have said, you need to meet her somewhere nice and have a few days away together,

ExDancer - you need to find some way of disabling your OH on the wedding day - is there something heavy you can drop on his foot?

Failing that, then he needs to not go. If needs be, tell GD his plans and get her to uninvite him.

I understand his anger over the way he thinks his son has been mistreated - but to take it out on his GD on her special day!! That is insane.

Luckygirl3

ExDancer - you need to find some way of disabling your OH on the wedding day - is there something heavy you can drop on his foot?

Failing that, then he needs to not go. If needs be, tell GD his plans and get her to uninvite him.

I understand his anger over the way he thinks his son has been mistreated - but to take it out on his GD on her special day!! That is insane.

Exactly what I was going to say. You have to warn your GD and 'disable' him, somehow.