41 year old son says I abused him

Thank you for all your messages, they really helped. He's called me tonight and we've met half way between his "memories" and my lack of remembering what happened. We've agreed to draw a line under it all now its been fully discussed and be kinder. He's taken back his harsh words and said he now realises it was all a bit strong. I said I was a bit heavy handed in disciplining him and shouldn't have been and now I've apologised and he has, we're all feeling a lot better Families!! Thank you again you lovely Grans for being such a support. x

I know it`s frowned on these days, but my 5 were all smacked at various times in their lives, however, they don`t hold it against me now.

For heaven's sake Norton has apologised to her son for something she did whilst under pressure. What more can she seriously be expected to do. There are not many parents who have not reacted in a way they regret later.
Take heart Norton you should all move on from this.

(and) I have friends who were seriously abused and/or neglected as children. They would swap with your son in a heartbeat.

Hithere,, another harsh view from you of some ones parenting skills. It was not abuse, you can't have experience of a youngster who is disruptive, doesn't listen to you etc. Are you supposed to turn a blind eye, let him have free reign at 12. . At 41 why bring this up now, leave him to it as recollections vary. All one can do is their best at the time. You have apologised if he thinks you didnt handle the situation in the way he would have.

norton, none of us are saints and I well remember being at 'the end of my tether' too. Yes, on a few occasions, my four did get a smack or lost their pocket money, were grounded or sent to their rooms. The only one who is resentful, interestingly, has no children of his own. I have apologised for being a less than perfect mother!

It sounds as if your son is overreacting to one incident.
It’s not as if if he had regular beatings.
My loving mother smacked me once in my unreasonable difficult moments as a teenager and it made not an iota of difference to our relationship. Times have changed and there is more sensitivity around parental issues.
Keep smiling, ignore it and as Noel Coward said ‘Rise above it”.

I've just picked these quotes up as they stand out for me...

"What does your son think it needs to happen here to move forward?


For some people, ignoring the past does not work"

"Apart from an apology, what exactly is the son expecting?
"Ask him what he wants"

FWIW, I doubt he exactly knows. I do agree however that his wife, who suffered quite a bit, may have altered his thinking. it would be strange if she hadn't, but it accounts for it coming up now not when he was in his 20's.

a problem to me is that its not unusual in our culture nowadays to rush to Blame instead of understanding and accepting.

Of course where there is clear and strong abuse then blame is appropriate

...but not the fact that most of us carry hurts from less than perfect parenting inevitably, but it was good enough parenting.

I think that people look for 3 things in an apology because it's nit the apology its the forgiveness that matters

Being accountable

Understanding their position

Changing that behaviour

This is your son, this is a bond that is so painful to have break.

If there is any chance you are the one who has remembered incorrectly, because its either him or you or both and the truth was in the middle...

Then make it right with him so he can forgive

He's 41, your son is 41, no longer 12 or even 32 (12+20).

This has bothered him and festered a long time.

Since you're "happy to do anything he wishes" -- Ask what he wants.

Just apologise for having been born.
That should cover all eventualities.

There are times in a child's/teenager's life when they need their responsible adult to take charge of a situation.
Sometimes that can require physical intervention.
I doubt you meant to hurt your son.
You've apologised.
As a one-off I don't think you need to beat yourself up about it any more norton.

Oh gosh - I was heavy handed with my children, just as my mother was with all of us. I have nothing but love and respect for the way my mother brought us up. We have all turned out to be very successful, with no anger or bitterness.
I have never apologised to my children…. all turned out well. They do remember those days …..not very fondly, I’m sure. But that’s how it was ………

OP

It takes a lot of courage to bring things like this to your parents, that could mean he wants to work it out with you and move forward

You two may have very different ideas of moving forward

I would be very worried the day he could decide these efforts are not worth it and he gives up trying to resolve it - this is how estrangement happens

Because we were in the forces our son went to boarding school as we moved constantly and changeing secondary education e every two years would have been very disruptive to his education. When he had children he said to me he and his wife could never ‘send their children away to school’. It really hurt me as I didn’t want him to go anyway. Some years later when his sons were in secondary education he said he wished he could afford to send his boys as there was so much to do in the school he went to. All on site and loads of mates to do everything with! We do what we think is right at the time and in the circumstances we are in. Does he apologise for being such a challenging child? I suggest whilst you apologise you don’t let them make you feel you’ve done wrong. And certainly remind him of his behaviour. Cause and affect springs to mind.

For heavens sake!

I know you don’t want to fall out with your son over this so ignore him and perhaps he’ll move on, but really….your nails may have dug in and you took away his pocket money?

He needs to put his Big Boy Pants on and get on with his life.

Perhaps sort through how you apologized - no ifs, no buts, no shifting the blame to his behaviour - from your actions he disliked.

Admit you were wrong. Very wrong.

Ask what would be acceptable to move forward.

I apologize no matter what, if my daughters are unhappy with me for any minutia. I say that I'm sorry, what can I do to make that up to you?

Just my way. Works well, for me.

How do you reconcile todays gentle parenting with how it was done years ago?

It's like my mum having to apologise for having sent me out in a yellow smock dress, with my hair cut in a stupid "page boy" cut, then sending me to bed under a purple floral bedspread.

So short of apologising, what else can be done?
How many times in how many ways does someone need to express that they are genuinely sorry?

I do not think that seeing the same scenario with different perspectives is rewriting history. Nor do I think that pushing this to a possibility of the DIL projecting is helpful.

Gentle parenting is the way many parents are raising children now a days and it is normal for parents of young children to evaluate how they were raised when deciding the type of parent they want to be.

Was our childhood abusive? Not by that days standards. But it was by today's standards. Problem is, no one can ho back and change what happened.

Ask your son what he needs now to move forward. You have apologized and can't change the past. So what does he need to work through his childhood? How can you help with that?

This is a traumatic memory for your son

You felt you were stopping him leaving a safe environment.

What led up to this incident?

You don't remember digging your nails in but maybe they did dig into his skin and you don't remember that because you weren't trying to do that? You were just trying to hold on?

Even if you were 100% sure those nails didn't dig in, your son remembers this and is hurt by it. It's difficult to reconcile I understand. What might happen if you acknowledged that it could have happened in the struggle?

Try not to comment on his parenting, it's a different style to yours but the aim is resilient happy children so as long as that is achieved it doesn't matter if others agree

You did not abuse your son, and it is wicked of him to use such language.
Do not apologise.

My Mum wasn't abusive btw but I know the difference, sadly

I think just being honest is fine, if he's upset and you remember it differently and you seem to be shocked by what he is saying - hence why you have apologised.

I remember my Mum once slapped me really hard round the face so I went to my Gran's house, who was furious but most probably didn't think much of it but when I got home to my Mum's again she was angry with my Gran that she'd fed me but was obviously upset I'd gone there. It's just stuff you remember, an isolated incident?

Someone said “we ought not to judge the past by today’s standards”.

Your son has a beef about the incident. As our late dear Queen said about the Sussexes “some recollections may vary”.

You’ve apologised. The ball is in his court. To do more than this will only reinforce in his mind that he is right and you are so very wrong.

Some water needs to pass under this bridge. Maybe his wife is projecting. Maybe he is over analytical. It seems (to an outsider) a storm in a teacup but your son feels aggrieved that’s for sure. I can’t see that you can do more than proffer the apology you have given. He thinks he is a better parent than you were that’s obvious. But it’s early days and he has a long steep hill ahead of him yet. He’ll realise that one day.

We did our best.
Don’t beat yourself up any further.
Good luck.