41 year old son says I abused him

It's quite normal to confiscate things from children, as far as I'm concerned.

Is this out of the blue, or has he always had a problem with the way he was bought up?

Good question, why now?

Can he remember being disruptive, by the way?
Have you spoken about if or why he was?

You did not abuse him Norton. He is troubled about something and is desperate to apportion blame. Was he always impulsive?

He was 12 and being disruptive and is referring to me trying to restrain him from running out of the house. Hedidn't like the discipline. At the end of my tether I grabbed his arms and he remembers that I dug my nails in, I don't. He is now calling me a liar as I "chose" not to remember. He is also calling me a thief because I took some of his pocket money away and told him he had to earn it back through good behaviour. Not the best parenting but this was 20 + years ago and I was at the end of my tether. Did I abuse him? I feel I was probably heavy handed. I have apologised to my son abjectly, but I don't know where we go from here. I'm happy to do anything he wishes. Any help gratefully received.

This young man sounds as if he has quite a chip on his shoulder. I wonder if he is as quick to recall and be thankful for the good memories of his childhood. You did not abuse him Norton.

He may perceive you are denying his reality - whether it happened or not

Any apologies you give him are invalid

Why is he bringing this up now?

He was always a challenging child and a difficult teenager, but we go through it. He went to university and came back a lovely young man - grow up. He has mentioned this once before about this money that I confiscated and he says he never got back, but I'm sure if would a refunded it in other ways as he didn't earn it back. I'm not a meanie. His wife of 9 years had a very troubled up bringing and they have two children aged 5 and 7. They believe in gentle parenting - they spend hours reasoning with their children, I think this is over the top and a bit of I'm the parent you're the child needs to be said, which is what I used to say. So this is where it comes from, I was heavy handed, but he calls it abusive. I'm mortified he feels that. I fear his wife was smacked and deprived a lot more than my son so thinks her childhood was "abusive" and is talking to my son loudly about this so this is where it has come from. I will tell him I can't change the past for which I'm very sorry, but let's work on a way forward, but I don't think this will be enough for him.

No you didn't abuse him Norton and you have apologised for what you now regard as being heavy handed. As for taking pocket money from him for him to earn back that isn't theft, it's one way of teaching cause and effect which at the age 12, he should have been well on his way to learning anyway.

Having apologised and provided an explanation I wouldn't advise you "to do anything he wishes". He was 12 20+ years ago so that makes him a man in his 30's and if he has, or ever has children of his own he'll come to realise that there's no such thing as a perfect parent.

The source of conflict here is how he is raising his kids (gentle parenting, nothing wrong with that) vs your choice of parenting

Just seen your latest post and your son and his wife clearly have a much different approach to parenting, but that wont necessarily mean they'll be immune to criticism from their children in the years to come.

You've asked him to work on a way forward so I'm afraid it's up to him whether or not he wishes to do so. FWIW I think having apologised you should leave it at that.

It maybe that his wife is projecting her own experiences into your son; we've had this with our youngest so I understand how distressing this will be.

Try and take a step back now and if he mentions this again, be strong and tell him you have already apologised and can do no more so it is up to him whether or not he's prepared to accept it.

Honestly you've done nothing wrong. Expecting a child to earn back money is quite a normal thing, I think even gentle parenting is likely to include things like this if the behaviour warrants it.

I once really lost my temper with DD and hit her much too hard. I was mortified at the time but it's had absolutely no effect on our relationship since and I think his accusations of abuse are saying far more about him than about you.

that should be onto your son.

We all raise our children as we see fit.

Why would it cause upset that something done years and years ago isn't exactly the same as now?

Times change, as we are always being reminded.

What does your son think it needs to happen here to move forward?

For some people, ignoring the past does not work

Neither does rewriting it.

Apart from an apology, what exactly is the son expecting?

P.S.
He would have hated being raised by me. school of hard knocks smiley

Neither does rewriting it well said MissA.

Someone said “we ought not to judge the past by today’s standards”.

Your son has a beef about the incident. As our late dear Queen said about the Sussexes “some recollections may vary”.

You’ve apologised. The ball is in his court. To do more than this will only reinforce in his mind that he is right and you are so very wrong.

Some water needs to pass under this bridge. Maybe his wife is projecting. Maybe he is over analytical. It seems (to an outsider) a storm in a teacup but your son feels aggrieved that’s for sure. I can’t see that you can do more than proffer the apology you have given. He thinks he is a better parent than you were that’s obvious. But it’s early days and he has a long steep hill ahead of him yet. He’ll realise that one day.

We did our best.
Don’t beat yourself up any further.
Good luck.

I think just being honest is fine, if he's upset and you remember it differently and you seem to be shocked by what he is saying - hence why you have apologised.

I remember my Mum once slapped me really hard round the face so I went to my Gran's house, who was furious but most probably didn't think much of it but when I got home to my Mum's again she was angry with my Gran that she'd fed me but was obviously upset I'd gone there. It's just stuff you remember, an isolated incident?

My Mum wasn't abusive btw but I know the difference, sadly

You did not abuse your son, and it is wicked of him to use such language.
Do not apologise.

This is a traumatic memory for your son

You felt you were stopping him leaving a safe environment.

What led up to this incident?

You don't remember digging your nails in but maybe they did dig into his skin and you don't remember that because you weren't trying to do that? You were just trying to hold on?

Even if you were 100% sure those nails didn't dig in, your son remembers this and is hurt by it. It's difficult to reconcile I understand. What might happen if you acknowledged that it could have happened in the struggle?

Try not to comment on his parenting, it's a different style to yours but the aim is resilient happy children so as long as that is achieved it doesn't matter if others agree

I do not think that seeing the same scenario with different perspectives is rewriting history. Nor do I think that pushing this to a possibility of the DIL projecting is helpful.

Gentle parenting is the way many parents are raising children now a days and it is normal for parents of young children to evaluate how they were raised when deciding the type of parent they want to be.

Was our childhood abusive? Not by that days standards. But it was by today's standards. Problem is, no one can ho back and change what happened.

Ask your son what he needs now to move forward. You have apologized and can't change the past. So what does he need to work through his childhood? How can you help with that?