41 year old son says I abused him

Neither does rewriting it well said MissA.

P.S.
He would have hated being raised by me. school of hard knocks smiley

Neither does rewriting it.

Apart from an apology, what exactly is the son expecting?

What does your son think it needs to happen here to move forward?

For some people, ignoring the past does not work

We all raise our children as we see fit.

Why would it cause upset that something done years and years ago isn't exactly the same as now?

Times change, as we are always being reminded.

that should be onto your son.

Honestly you've done nothing wrong. Expecting a child to earn back money is quite a normal thing, I think even gentle parenting is likely to include things like this if the behaviour warrants it.

I once really lost my temper with DD and hit her much too hard. I was mortified at the time but it's had absolutely no effect on our relationship since and I think his accusations of abuse are saying far more about him than about you.

Just seen your latest post and your son and his wife clearly have a much different approach to parenting, but that wont necessarily mean they'll be immune to criticism from their children in the years to come.

You've asked him to work on a way forward so I'm afraid it's up to him whether or not he wishes to do so. FWIW I think having apologised you should leave it at that.

It maybe that his wife is projecting her own experiences into your son; we've had this with our youngest so I understand how distressing this will be.

Try and take a step back now and if he mentions this again, be strong and tell him you have already apologised and can do no more so it is up to him whether or not he's prepared to accept it.

The source of conflict here is how he is raising his kids (gentle parenting, nothing wrong with that) vs your choice of parenting

No you didn't abuse him Norton and you have apologised for what you now regard as being heavy handed. As for taking pocket money from him for him to earn back that isn't theft, it's one way of teaching cause and effect which at the age 12, he should have been well on his way to learning anyway.

Having apologised and provided an explanation I wouldn't advise you "to do anything he wishes". He was 12 20+ years ago so that makes him a man in his 30's and if he has, or ever has children of his own he'll come to realise that there's no such thing as a perfect parent.

He was always a challenging child and a difficult teenager, but we go through it. He went to university and came back a lovely young man - grow up. He has mentioned this once before about this money that I confiscated and he says he never got back, but I'm sure if would a refunded it in other ways as he didn't earn it back. I'm not a meanie. His wife of 9 years had a very troubled up bringing and they have two children aged 5 and 7. They believe in gentle parenting - they spend hours reasoning with their children, I think this is over the top and a bit of I'm the parent you're the child needs to be said, which is what I used to say. So this is where it comes from, I was heavy handed, but he calls it abusive. I'm mortified he feels that. I fear his wife was smacked and deprived a lot more than my son so thinks her childhood was "abusive" and is talking to my son loudly about this so this is where it has come from. I will tell him I can't change the past for which I'm very sorry, but let's work on a way forward, but I don't think this will be enough for him.

He may perceive you are denying his reality - whether it happened or not

Any apologies you give him are invalid

Why is he bringing this up now?

This young man sounds as if he has quite a chip on his shoulder. I wonder if he is as quick to recall and be thankful for the good memories of his childhood. You did not abuse him Norton.

He was 12 and being disruptive and is referring to me trying to restrain him from running out of the house. Hedidn't like the discipline. At the end of my tether I grabbed his arms and he remembers that I dug my nails in, I don't. He is now calling me a liar as I "chose" not to remember. He is also calling me a thief because I took some of his pocket money away and told him he had to earn it back through good behaviour. Not the best parenting but this was 20 + years ago and I was at the end of my tether. Did I abuse him? I feel I was probably heavy handed. I have apologised to my son abjectly, but I don't know where we go from here. I'm happy to do anything he wishes. Any help gratefully received.

You did not abuse him Norton. He is troubled about something and is desperate to apportion blame. Was he always impulsive?

Can he remember being disruptive, by the way?
Have you spoken about if or why he was?

Good question, why now?

It's quite normal to confiscate things from children, as far as I'm concerned.

Is this out of the blue, or has he always had a problem with the way he was bought up?