Life choices Grandkids

I do all the childcare for my grandson and have made huge changes to my life to do it.

He's a gift and I want to appreciate him. My grandparents looked after us a lot when I was a child and I'm happy to do the same. Yes, it's hard work but I have a wonderfully close relationship with him as a result.

They're little for such a short period of time.

We live 200 miles from our grabdchildren so childcare was always a no-no. DDiL's mother, did look after first grandchild for one day a week for a year, but after that but they managed with juggling their working hours and 3 days at nursery.

I’m like Norah, and, barring emergencies, wouldn’t dream of doing scheduled childcare. We did have a spell of a one night sleepover for two school age children, but knew it was only temporary.
Is having no social life directly related to your ( or rather your wife’s) childcare responsibilities, or would she be doing nothing anyway?

I'll add that I don't see this as others may.

I'm done raising babies, feel our daughters can raise theirs.

I'll drop what I'm doing and help with emergent or unexpected situations - but I don't do scheduled care. My husband still has a hand in his business a few days a month, my support role is with him.

I would like the OP to come back and fill in some gaps - some comments are asking relevant questions and I don't think its possible to offer constructive advice without the full facts.
Come on Nat Uni, give more detail to enable us to offer constructive help

I agree "their children, their responsibility" but do not think we can assume OP's wife necessarily feels obligated to help with the childcare , it could easily be her choice. And having just googled "Nursery fees" I am astounded that any working mums unless very highly paid can manage this for 1 child let alone several.

7.45am– 12 noon without lunch - £32.20 per session
7.45am – 2pm with lunch - £37.80 per session
2pm – 6pm without lunch - £32.25 per session
All day 7.45 – 6pm - £57.88 per session
Full time (5 full days) - £268.10 per week
(This is in the Malvern area).
I believe D in London pays more a day for daycare.
Gobsmacking

If your wife is doing child care 3 days one week, 4 days next week, that is really a lot, in fact way too much by many standards.

If your wife is child caring 3-4 days, then has a week and weekend off - well, that's a big difference and somewhat manageable, I'd think.

However, one of the children is a 1 yr old and the other is 5 yrs old, that's just terribly difficult for your wife - full stop.

Assuming your wife drives 30 miles to and from daily, on her days to care, I'm not understanding the social life or intimacy issues as related to your GC. Red herring or excuse is my guess. Time to have a talk and work this out.

I’m not sure if the OP is a man or a woman, but I do think that’s a bit of a bonkers schedule, especially as its a 60 mile round trip. Are the parents not able to afford childcare? I can see how this must curtail your lives massively at a point where you want to be enjoying yourselves.

If it's overwhelming speak with your wife and sort it out. Personally I disagree with the expectation that it is the duty of GP to give hours of childcare!!! It depends on age , heath and financial situations of GP. I love my AC and GC dearly and have always given one days child care each week. Eldest GC now 19 and youngest just started school. In your position I would find your days of childcare too much ! I have done my bit raising our three children. My children are not high wage earners but somehow managed nursery fees! Sounds harsh but ' their children, their responsibility ' Decide with your wife how much childcare you are able to give and stuck to your guns. God luck!

3 or 4 days out of 14 isn't a lot.

Grandchildren are little for such a short time. Don't ruin it for her.

You could always join in.

Indeed lulu.

NatUni sounds very fed up, I wonder if the working from home doesn't help things. Whilst it suits many people others have found it lonely and disconnecting. I suggest a sit down and chat but I can't see Mrs NU giving up her 3-4 days for anybody! so just bear that in mind.
Maybe the lack of intimacy is not helped by being Mt Grumpy.

I read this as 3 day childcare one week and 4 days the next.

Were you happy during the rest of your 39 years? How long has the childcare been going on.

If it is 3 days then 4 days this could be exhausting and I would find it way too much.

You really need to have a genuinely loving but frank conversation with your wife who may simply be worn out.
Then you need together to decide what is possible regarding the grandchildren and what is not.
Maybe there is a way round it if you put your heads together. If you have been happy for most of 39 years I think you can weather this.
Good luck.

OP sounds jealous - something which needs to be addressed by them as a couple. As do the intimacy issues.
Perhaps his wife enjoys the break from the domestic routine - having a husband WFH can seriously constrain one’s freedom to invite friends for coffee or just put one’s feet up in front of Bergerac on afternoon TV!
If OP was still going out to work would he feel their life was “dominated” in the same way?
Anyway, what happens at weekends or on the “other” week?
Sadly “nose out of joint” springs to mind.
As for needing to say that a grandparent’s role is not to raise their GC - of course not, but helping a daughter with childcare and possibly thereby alleviating the financial pressures of working patents and childcare, can also be immeasurably pleasurable and enrich the grandparent/grandchild relationship. OP’s wife is hardly “full-time raising “ the grandchildren.
Doesn’t sound as if OP shares that relationship much.

Yes you need to talk with her. Never mind the loss of 'intimacy' which is probaly not related at all.

But, I agree with you, that your life as a couple should not be entirely dominated by the care for your grand-children- as I imagine the other days are for dealing with day to day things- leaving very little time for you to share doing stuff together, a walk, a meal out, theatre, a course, a trip a bit further afield, etc. And, I imagine, no holidays either- not during term-time, as she has to look after kids, and not during holidays much, for the same reason.

I have said it again and again, grand-parents' role is not to look after grand-kids and raise them. It is to help, and support, and have fun, but not full-time raising them. The expectation that that is their duty, is a totally new thing. We never ever (or did you?) expected our parents to look after our kids non-stop, and to raise them on our behalf. Help- yes- but too much is, too much.

So you need to talk about this. And take great care not to appear needy, childish and jealous.

Good luck.

Your wife of 39 years is enjoying being a hands on grandparent it’s given her a new lease of life. Everyday life can be transformed when GC arrive you get involved and your priorities can change.
There’s all sorts of reasons why intimacy stops being the be all and end all of a relationship. You feel your nose has been pushed out obviously you need to talk to your wife.

My life’s dominated by the Bowls Club.

I’m not a member🙄

Is 'intimacy' yet another duty you want your wife to fulfil?

I’m not sure you’ll get much sympathy from those of us who actually look after grandchildren ourselves…

You say My wife and other Gran rotate 3-4 day care alternating weeks So every other week is completely free of childcare, plus half of the caring weeks, or in other words she is away for 3-4 days every fortnight.

Aren't you being a bit OTT when you then say Life is dominated by grandkids schedule. No other social life or friends involved. Married 39 years. Intimacy is zero. It's overwhelming.

I am not saying that a routine like this may not suit you, but I think the problem isn't the childcare, it is the lack of intimacy and any social life during the 10 days in every fortnight when you and your wife are at home.

Perhaps you and your wife need to sit down and talk that over, possibly seek counselling. In the meanwhile, how about starting to revive your social lives together. Contact friends to have a meet up, find some activity you can share that is sociable and sign up for it.

I think you are using a grievance about the baby sitting as a way of diverting your mind from being honest about the real cause of your unhappiness. That is what you really have to deal with.

Just read your post again - so your wife goes there 3 or 4 days per week, so presumably she home for the other 3or 4 days. And your life is home / work / office. Are you away every day ? If so, maybe your wife does this because otherwise she'd be home alone . You both need to have a talk about your lives going forward. You'll be thinking of retirement, she'll be less in demand as the grandchildren get older, life will change. Good luck !

I'm a gran and I do something similar, but DH does it with me. We drive 65miles every Tuesday morning, and act as backup for our daughter. We take the kids ( 11 and 13) to and from school, and to their many after- school activities. We sleep over at her house, and drive home after the school run on Friday. While they are at school we go out, or stay home and watch Netflix.

I guess it's a choice , it just sort of happened a year ago when dd got a major promotion and had to work longer hours. DH and I made the offer, and we've stuck to it since then. It works for us - so far anyway ! Doing it together makes it better , I think. We love our time there , with the children and happy evenings with dd and her husband.

If you are not happy with your arrangement, a good talk is in order . Tell her how you feel - try to suggest some other plans. Good luck !

Why is this happening? If one child is 5 shouldn't they be at school?

30 miles away is not that far - do they stay over or commute?

This arrangement is clearly not working for you- understandably

Who suggested it?

Have you talked to your wife about changes?

It is not unheard of becoming a grandparent and becoming too centered around them