Manipulative Mother /enabling daughter advice please

Hetty58

A head injury (even apparently minor) should always be checked out - so it seems obvious that an ambulance should have been called - regardless of the mother's wishes. There is always the option to refuse going to hospital.

I don't quite get the 'deliberately kept them away' comment. I'm sure she didn't have the fall on purpose. She may well have been stressed and confused too.

Of course, the daughter is 'enabling' and it's a shame she's prioritising her mother's care over that of her children. There is always a choice - so nobody holds you hostage!

I see what you're saying. The thing is , if someone is injured but refusing medical help then you either have to help them or leave them help-less. That's not a good choice to be given.

She was meant to be going to their house for Christmas, but didnt want to go. The daughter wanted her Mother there from Christmas eve so she could stay at home with the babies and her husband who has an injury meaning he can't lift the babies well. The babies are ill and have special needs, so this was a very bad Christmas.

I'm not saying that the fall was on purpose, but the not seeking medical help a few days before Christmas could have been avoided so she could have gone away for Christmas.

Oreo

You are obvs a kind person, but just sympathise as that’s what she really wants.
You may be projecting your own feelings about a bad relationship with your own mother?
I’ve learned to only offer advice when asked for it.

Good idea, yes probably.

25Avalon

The mother should have gone to hospital. I know there were strikes on but head injuries should be seen. The mother could have had concussion or even worse and was dd qualified to put a bandage on and was putting a bandage on even the right thing to do? The dd should have telephoned 111 for their advice and followed it, for her mother’s own good.

Yes I believe you're right, but not my place to say it.

Glorianny

How long does it take to dress a wound? Not that long surely. Couldn't Christmas Day have waited a bit? Couldn't she have taken her mother to her house and dressed it there? Then they could all have enjoyed Christmas together.

That was the original plan, but her Mother refused to go, meaning she had to drive back and forth doing things for her like meals.

25Avalon

The mother should have gone to hospital. I know there were strikes on but head injuries should be seen. The mother could have had concussion or even worse and was dd qualified to put a bandage on and was putting a bandage on even the right thing to do? The dd should have telephoned 111 for their advice and followed it, for her mother’s own good.

No she's not qualified and I doubt she phoned 111 since it was against her Mother's wishes to have medical help.

How long does it take to dress a wound? Not that long surely. Couldn't Christmas Day have waited a bit? Couldn't she have taken her mother to her house and dressed it there? Then they could all have enjoyed Christmas together.

The mother should have gone to hospital. I know there were strikes on but head injuries should be seen. The mother could have had concussion or even worse and was dd qualified to put a bandage on and was putting a bandage on even the right thing to do? The dd should have telephoned 111 for their advice and followed it, for her mother’s own good.

So in answer to your question, don't offer advice, just be a kindly listening ear.

If the children are "babies" as you say, they won't even remember this Christmas.
Where is her partner/husband in this?

I would have wanted this dressing (if required) on day 1. By day 3 it will be a different wound, surely?
Also, if the upset is about being away from the children then as others have said, I'm sure it would have been even longer at the hospital - and if they had to call an ambulance probably even longer.

As you say yourself, I also think you ard over-invested here and are projecting your own situation on this family.

I think you are investing far too much of your energy into this....if someone had told me this...I would have said 'ah shame' then moved on with the day

You are obvs a kind person, but just sympathise as that’s what she really wants.
You may be projecting your own feelings about a bad relationship with your own mother?
I’ve learned to only offer advice when asked for it.

Yes, she made a decision to dress her mother's head because it had been two days since the fall and no medical treatment had happened. I suppose it was that or nothing.

If she had been there all day, so what? From what I hear she's quite immobile anyway and could have taken a book to read. At least she would have been properly looked at AND it would be on her medical notes, which would have been good. She's fallen many times and I hear that she avoids hospital a lot so her GP has no idea how bad she actually is.

But yes, I just feel so sad for her. She has to jump through hoops for this unreasonable woman. She was telling me what a miserable Christmas she had as a result, that's why I was upset on her behalf.

Your friend made a decision to bandage her mothers head.
Had she gone to hospital she could have been there all day.
That she helped should not have affected her time with her children too much but if it did ,she made the choice to help her mother. Something most people surely would.
Your friend understandably just needed to let off steam. Its her stuff to manage.

Yes.

Some things are triggering as well. It's hard to see someone keep enabling bad things to happen to them and not to say anything.

Relationships are complicated aren’t they?

I am a bit literal sometimes, admittedly.

Probably because it triggers my Mother issues.

Yeah, a sympathetic ear is sometimes all that’s needed.👍🏻

I do get upset on behalf of others. I probably need to practise being more detached.

It has been hard for me hearing this girl's family trauma's over the years and sometimes feel frustrated as she's allowing herself to be run over. I wouldn't say this though. Maybe she just wanted someone to listen, not advise?

I'm not involved except that she offloaded on me and I am horrified for her since I knew her Christmas plans and they have been completely ruined.

She said she was going to contact a social worker and I tried to encourage her to do this because she has 3 kids who are babies and cannot cope, but I think she is scared of her mother.

It’s her mother and she is the one to sort anything out with her.
All depends on age, mental stability and any other factors.
I wouldn’t get involved if I were you.

Yes abuse, but I haven't explained that well. She is extremely controlling and manipulative, refuses to take responsibility for anything and makes everything about her.

She cannot stand the fact that there are kids and actually competes with them for attention. It's horrific.

Yes a head injury should always be checked out, but apparently she refused to attend hospital.

I don't think the fall was intentional (It happened a few days before Christmas) I do think it appalling that because she had not had it even dressed, that her daughter ended up appeasing her by dressing it. I like to think that in that situation I would insist she went to hospital. I don't think I would dress it because I'm not a nurse and neither is she.

It is so, so sad that she has prioritised her mother over her kids who are still babies. I am so disappointed for her and her family that this has happened and don't know how to get through to her to let her know she's allowing this. Her Mother has still not had the bang on the head investigated.

Are you serious?!
Abuse? A mother wanting her daughter to dress her wound?
It wouldn't make any difference to a baby and wouldn’t take the whole day unless the mother lived hundreds of miles away. If she does, then the daughter should have refused to go.

A head injury (even apparently minor) should always be checked out - so it seems obvious that an ambulance should have been called - regardless of the mother's wishes. There is always the option to refuse going to hospital.

I don't quite get the 'deliberately kept them away' comment. I'm sure she didn't have the fall on purpose. She may well have been stressed and confused too.

Of course, the daughter is 'enabling' and it's a shame she's prioritising her mother's care over that of her children. There is always a choice - so nobody holds you hostage!