How to forgive oneself?

In reply toSara1954 - Does being forgiven make you feel better? My mother towards the end of her life definitely wanted to be forgiven, but as she had spent all her life never saying sorry for anything, no matter how trivial, I had no confidence that the long talk she had suggested would result in her admitting that she had ever done anything wrong.

Some people might feel exonerated and relieved for having been forgiven but hardened criminals probably couldn't care less if their victim(s) forgave them unless they had a few feelings of guilt or remorse

I am more interested in whether the victim feels better for having forgiven the person who had harmed them. All the counsellors and life coaches seem to agree that it is beneficial for victims to forgive their perpetrator but that is not always so easy.

In my mother's case I recognise that she was a damaged person who underwent terrible privations and suffering and couldn't fully release her anger or come to terms with what had happened to her.

I am still working out what to forgive myself for as I hope it will help me move on.

I agree with you Oreo. When I was in my twenties and a mother myself, it dawned on me that my parents were immutably who they were and that they would never change. Absolutely no point in trying. So I closed the door on any resentment, and never once looked back.

We had a fond and undemanding relationship until the day they died. The change occurred in me, not them, and it has been permanent.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Rablingrose22 I noticed you asked the meaning of MH. It's Mental Health.

Anyone who has suffered a truly traumatic childhood, cannot be expected to forget it or dismiss it. We all of us had parents and most of us have been parents and we all are human and make mistakes.

We need to remember the practice of being 'good enough' parents. I had lovingparents, but I was at odds with them for all my childhood. In my turn, my DD has had no hesitation about telling me of my failings as a parent. In my turn, I can see things my DS and wife do that their DD, at 15, has already, also put her finger on, as something she will never do if she is ever a mother! And I am sure any children she has, when they grow up will list the things she did that they will never do.

I think if the treatment at the hand of a parent was abusive, it really helps to talk it all over with someone as it wasn't your fault. It's too simplistic to expect people to just learn to live with it and move on. It;s not dwelling on the past either

Does being forgiven actually make you feel better?

I'm thinking that we all need forgiveness. 'He who is without sin cast the first stone.' No one is entirely blameless. I think that a first step is to try atone in some way. Hopefully in time we can forgive ourselves and move on.

Yes indeed.

Kate
Just goes to show the terrible damage parents can inflict on their children, you could whisk them away to a better place, but the damage is done.

Thank you Sara. I keep being told I should 'move on' whatever that means.

Kate
You have spoken before about your childhood, and your experiences were far beyond anything I had to deal with, so no one could ever expect you to just walk away and forget it all.

It's not easy to leave the past in the past when the scars are always with you. I will never forgive my parents for my treatment. I am a damaged person. I'm always questioning myself - why are you scared of everything etc? So in a way I am blaming myself for not being like everyone else.

Sara1954

I actually have a lot more problem forgiving myself for things I’ve done wrong with my children, I can’t have the same attitude with that, I suppose because I was the grownup, and ultimately I should’ve known better.

Me too..

I actually have a lot more problem forgiving myself for things I’ve done wrong with my children, I can’t have the same attitude with that, I suppose because I was the grownup, and ultimately I should’ve known better.

Urms - love that quotation 👌

We all make mistakes, and I've had trouble forgiving myself in the past. But I now realise that the important thing is to learn from them and try not to make that same mistake again .

Wyllow
I know what you mean, I do chat about my childhood, my husband knows what my mother was like because we were young when we met, but we just kind of reminisce, and have a bit of a laugh about it, although there’s really not much to laugh at.
But I’ve put it in its place, I can’t deny I sometimes go over things in my mind, but she would love me to be miserable, and I would never give her the satisfaction.

Not necessarily. I think some people enjoy just "people understanding" and recall all sorts of things and muse on them. I do. What makes us tick, and so on, and that different from the "repair" stuff.

I think that the past should be left in the past.
My relationship with my mother broke down completely twenty years ago, I wish I had ended it sooner, because we never liked one another, and had absolutely nothing in common.
I have no interest in forgiving her, I never shall, and although I don’t consider myself blameless, I don’t feel any need to forgive myself.
Obviously for us older women to still be dissecting our childhoods, must mean that we were affected quite badly, but I think as far as possible, we need to let it go.

As time goes on and I get older I can look back at my parent's parents, and see what made my parents as they were, and so on.

I pinned the phrase 'she did the best she could with the personality she had' on my mother and got on with my own life.

Glad you had the chance, Marydoll, if not the reasons!

My light bulb moment came when I had my first heart attack. I was offered cardiac, psychological counselling, which initially, I resisted.
It opened a can of worms and was so cathartic and healing.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.