Feeling upset by text messages

I never expect a reply to emails, etc. and tell people so - especially the grandchildren. The worry about what to say when you are not used to expressing concern or condolensces or simply find writing difficult to manage for whateveer reason, just makes life more pressured. I've always found it very difficult, resenting getting post that demanded a reply and worrying about the weight of guilt as I found putting words in order when writing, very difficult. Then recently it has suddenly become easier - I don't know why unless it is just the being retired with fewer demands on my time, I can focus my attention differently.

I would hate to make those demands on my friends & family and saddle them with the guilt, though I reply to contacts as soon as I can now.

Chardy

I agree that lack of reply is rude, but there's a lot of it about.

I used to find it very rude, especially from family, and DH still does. I asked my DD and she said they get so many from friends' work etc. in a day, mum and dads just get lost among them.
Now I tell myself I will eventually hear from the ones that really matter and stop worrying.
When I lost my mother I announced in an old-fashioned way and put an announcement in her local newspaper, phoning and texting the ones whose numbers I had. I heard from some.
I just say well I did my best and you should too. Try and ignore what you think is rude or you will be called a dinosaur like I was. Condolences

I don’t reply to all texts unless one is warranted otherwise you get into texting ping pong! I don’t always reply straight away not do I expect an immediate reply. I am wary of what is in the text as they can sometimes be taken the wrong way, I also don’t abbreviate words, text talk is awful IMHO!!!

Hello palm tree, I definitely feel your upset. My reasons, are, last year a family member was bereft at losing their spouse. I was available every night and day for six months. Then winter came, I was in hospital a lot. Only one visit from them, while I listened to all their problems. No help for me, after second hosp visit. No visitors Xmas week. And this family member laughing when I told her I was ill again. Either shes got dementia, or is just unfeeling and doesnt care about me. Never answered my phone calls, it took up to 6 hours to answer my text. You sound like my sort of friend. Thank God theres people like us in the world. I now deserve a holiday. And I no longer answer the phone to her. Karma that's what it is...

If it's a single message or a question, it needs answering. If it's a desultory conversation, someone has to end it or it could go on and on:
See you on Tuesday...
Yes, Tuesday...
Looking forward to it...
Me too...
Bye for now, then...
Yes bye....
Can't wait 😊 .....
I agree...
See you then...
Yes...
xxx xxx
XOXO
😉
🙋
X
👍

My kids never reply to text messages straight away as they are working….so they turn their mobiles onto DND….. until it’s either lunch break or work is over for day. So the message is not picked up immediately as it’s on silent! Quite right too ….I only stopped work five years ago and we were never allowed our mobiles on us . They had to be left in the office …quite right as you’re there to work!! Now I’m amazed to see shop workers chatting on their phones while serving customers!

This all comes down away to different communication styles and generational expectations (in some cases)

Thanks again for all your replies. It's been so interesting to discover what you all think is rude and bad mannered with regards to text messages or not as the case may be. Also about the possibility that some texts can be lost or forgotten.I don't feel upset any more.We all have such different ideas and it seems there aren't really any set 'rules'. I still personally think kindness/good manners should come first though. I will ask my 'friend' if she ever read my message if/when I see her. I shan't go out of my way to be texting her any more though.

A lot of people (particularly younger ones) don't like the intrusion of a call, and prefer text-based communication.

I don't expect instant replies, but being left on read for ages is rude, IMO. I always reply, and expect replies to texts I send, unless they are obviously statements for info.

Another issue with texts/messengerWhatsApp is that someone has to end a conversation or they go on for ever. The thumbs up emoji can seem dismissive, but not 'signing off' can make people feel that they've been snubbed, or that they are hanging on waiting for a reply. For me, it depends on who I'm talking to. I might just leave a couple of kisses, or say something like 'see you tomorrow', or 'great to catch up - talk soon' if things are dragging on. If it's a close friend/daughter/sister I might be honest and say I'm off now as Happy Valley is starting, or something,

Leaving texts in read status is not rude - I call it triaging and prioritizing.

If people need a reply faster, they can call me

People have so much going on in their lives that they don't necessarily tell you about. Yes it's polite to reply but speaking from experience replying to a text is the last thing on a person's mind sometimes when things are really bad. People aren't obliged to respond I just shrug it off if I don't get a response. I certainly don't judge because I don't know what's happening in the world of the person I sent the text to. I think you are being too touchy but that is only my opinion

A lot of people have literally no idea how to react to the news of a bereavement these days, so they do nothing.

This is extremely hurtful to those of us who were brought up to express sympathy either in writing or face to face the first time we saw members of the deceased person's family or circle of friends.

There is not a lot you can do about it.
Whilst I was teaching I told older pupils when the subject came up, which it could well, as I both taught English literature and Religious Instruction, that the only thing you must never do is to do nothing. Any expression of sympathy such as I was sorry to hear your sad news cost nothing to say and may mean the world to the person you say it to.

You are justified in asking those who did not reply to your text whether they actually saw it, next time you meet them.

Regarding more mundane texts that go unanswered, I assume the person I texted had been too busy to answer. Not very polite, by the standards of our generation, but acceptable, as far as I can gather, by those younger than ourselves.

Not a lot of point in mentioning that kind of negligence. If you really do need an answer. phone and ask for one.

Palmtree it could have been me writing your message! I am exactly the same but I'm trying to be the same as others and not reply right away.Its really hard and I feel dreadful but I think that people have busy times and so do I so unless it's something urgent I'm going to reply when I feel like it.

tickingbird

I get upset and irked when others don’t respond to texts and WhatsApp’s. I find it very rude and bad mannered and I’m a stickler for good manners. People can’t be expected to respond immediately but not to respond to a text informing someone of a bereavement is extremely poor. Unless there’s a good reason I wouldn’t bother with them again.

Ps sorry for your loss

Hear! Hear!

sazz1

Some of my family don't bother replying to messages from me but I can see they have read them.
2 of my adult children will always reply the other might just ignore you. My DIL is the same. I know she had an operation a few weeks ago but didn't reply when I asked how she was getting on. But she put a joke on FB a few minutes after so I know she's ok ish. Same when we offered to call in to help when she came out of hospital. Message sent before she had the op. No reply which I found really rude. It doesn't take a minute to say no thanks my mum's gonna help me does it. Her mum moved in but she could have replied.
I don't bother messaging her anymore.

That is rude sazz1. But my DIL has ignored my messages too in the past. Not all but some and like you I know she's not busy etc as she's posted on fb.

I’m very sorry for your loss. Notifying a friend of this news with no response is very insensitive. A few lines of condolence from someone even if they aren’t “friend” material anymore shows a real lack of compassion.

I would leave that ball in their court. If you never hear back, you may not have had a real friend.

Regarding texting - rule #1 - people cannot always respond immediately, or in a day, or… we don’t know what their situation is.

Try not to fret over this. Try to not depend solely on texting to keep a relationship, friendship going. It takes more than that.
Cheers!
USA Gundy

I use WhatsApp for messaging my family. My daughter replies all the time but my son often ignores a message which annoys me!

An old friend I hadn't heard from or seen in many years contacted me. I replied back with a lengthy message asking about her and her family, and how nice it was to hear from her after such a long time etc etc. Did she reply back? No! I thought what was the point of her contacting me in the beginning then!!!
Another a distant cousin, I added as a friend on Facebook (which I very rarely use) she accepted, sent me a message asking how I was etc, again I replied back asking of her & her family etc etc. She didn't reply back either!

most of my friends are very old or dead. I personally dislike texts and as i am not very tech savvy i dont use them .The elderly frequently dont l;ike texts and like me just ignore them.

If I am speaking to my 91 year old mother on the landline and a text message comes through on her phone, I have to wait until she has read it and then replied! Very frustrating! Where as I can send a text to my son and he will often take days to reply. I suppose it just depends on how busy the other person is. I usually reply straight away.

It's so easy to miss a text. If I don't have time to respond sometimes I don't click on the text for several days, so if you didn't say in the first line or two that you'd had this loss, the person might not realise. Also, if a text is really important (like that one was) I may put off answering until I have time to do it properly. What do you say in a text that's adequate to mark a bereavement? You may find a lovely card from this person drops through your door soon - that's what I would have done. Sorry for your loss, take care and try not to take this too hard.

I’m always disappointed BUT also my expectations are completely and utterly unrealistically high and I’m stupid about replying immediately to others too !!

Some of my family don't bother replying to messages from me but I can see they have read them.
2 of my adult children will always reply the other might just ignore you. My DIL is the same. I know she had an operation a few weeks ago but didn't reply when I asked how she was getting on. But she put a joke on FB a few minutes after so I know she's ok ish. Same when we offered to call in to help when she came out of hospital. Message sent before she had the op. No reply which I found really rude. It doesn't take a minute to say no thanks my mum's gonna help me does it. Her mum moved in but she could have replied.
I don't bother messaging her anymore.

i have a mobile that i seldom use, i have a house phone that you can leave a message if it is important (i understand that a lot of people no longer have a house phone) my mobile was sort of forced on me by my son after i became very ill, i only take it out with me because my bank card is in it and it has a tracker so my son knows where i am and that is fine with me. i do not always get my text messages as i am in a bad area or the phone is off or i just forget to look at it. your friend just might not have known what to say to you and sometimes a text message come across wrong. as someone else has said not everyone is attached to there phone, my ds and dil have it in there hand all the time. please don't cut off a friend ship because of this, my dad wont text and his motto is, if it is that important then you can call me. i am so sorry for your loss, lots of hugs.

I prefer Facebook and forums like these, to pass on messages, because the phone is too fiddly for me, and I keep making errors.