Mum won’t bathe…

Some people living with Dementia are actually frightened of a shower, the water can feel hard on their sensitive skin.
I used to sit my late husband on the shower chair, and gently wash him all over then take the shower head in my hand, have it on a low setting and quickly rinse off. It is essential to have hot fluffy towels ready and to make it fun whilst showering, chatting away about this and the other so the attention is taken away from the actual showering. Just imagine how undignified you would feel yourself to have other people showering you. If the family cannot do it, get a domiciliary carer to come in a couple of times a week, someone she really takes to is important, who can convince her she will love her shower. They need to have plenty of time no rushing, we allowed 2 hours in total. The cared for gets exhausted just showering at that age. My partner who is 89 gets exhausted shaving let alone showering. He can only cope with that on a Sunday when he has no other appointments. Good luck.

Saggi

When my ‘dementing’ husband reached this stage I knew it was time for a home…perhaps not so bad when living alone ( apart from health hazard of course) but not to be tolerated by partners! Lack of personal hygiene is a dead give away that she’s letting go! Social workers need involvement now.
I am also worried about a friend who hasn’t bathed or showered for 20 months since her husband died.( he helped her I think) now her son is in denial about it , as is she!!
Even when I pointed out to both that it couldn’t possibly be happening!
When family refuse to acknowledge problem …I just don’t know if it’s my place to inform ‘older persons team’ ! Any advice would be welcome. Sorry…not trying to hijack this thread but problem sounded similar .

After a fall my DM had carers 2 day who washed her. When they stopped coming I noticed my DM smelt because she wasn’t washing herself and spoke to the reablement team . They weren’t bothered and said personal hygiene was her choice and that they couldn’t force her to wash if she didn’t consent . Social services were only interested if she became a danger to her self , such as falls, burns when cooking , taking medication etc .

My mum has carers twice a day, she likes a certain one that she has taken to and trusts to shower her which makes it very awkward as she can’t always do the morning call. To avoid the others showering her she has taken to getting herself up and dressed (with great difficulty & often falling in the process) Subsequently they have now reduced her care time as they say she is getting herself up. We have tried to talk to her about this, telling her that as she has continence issues she really needs a shower or assistance to have a good wash every morning but she just says, I’m not dirty, I have a strip wash! I can understand her reluctance, I wouldn’t like different people showering me but if you are no longer capable of showering yourself there is no choice really. Speaking to friends it seems it is a common problem.

Yes Whiff - smells from yesteryear could be a good idea.

4711, lily of the valley, rose and lavender. Those rather lovely Bronnley soaps?
Maybe oil of Uley (spelling?)

Thinking of you bytheway

Very sorry about your mum refusing to have a bath. As she is experiencing early dementia, it’s very difficult to convince her that, she’s not smelling nice, and she needs a bath. After working in Care Industry for over 30 years, clients experiencing dementia are very difficult to get a word into their head. Don’t force her to have a bath, and there’s no one from the Authority or social services who’s able to convince her either. You can try to make the bathroom welcoming, such as, make the bathroom smell nice, fill the bath tub with the right water temperature, mixed with sweet aroma. If your mother likes music from the radio, choose the ones she likes, switch on, then place it in the bathroom. Take your mother in the bathroom, explain to her what you have just done, it may take time, but eventually, it will work. Try to ask your mother if she can allow you to help her to have a bath. Such as, if you can wash her back , and if she can do the rest. And if she don’t want to have a bath, then try to convince her to have a wash, with your help, such as, explaining to her that, you are going to wash her back, and she can do the rest. This should have been on everyday trial, and she would have given in. Keep trying, don’t give up.

It may also be connected to balance, I am nearly eighty and now find it easy to get into a bath but harder to get out. I lose balance and struggle to push up to get out. It may be she feels unsafe so the wipes may be a very good idea.

Hi I am 66 and have chronic illness for 34 years bathing I’d pjs difficult and I have ad carers for the past 10years but there have been weeks when I couldn’t manage a bath or for them to come, so I relied heavily on the bath wipes. They are large and very strong and really do hope for the in between stages. Sadly it sounds as if she isn’t going to even do that herself anymore, nut she is not lazy, but truthful. Surely your gp could arrange a district nurse to go and help? X

There's a community service here for help with bathing/showering - that might be far less embarrassing than the help of a relative.

My friend has a disability bathing 'pod' in her garage - as her mum finds it impossible to use her standard bathroom. I think it's a common problem, here in the UK - and why hasn't somebody invented a portable, convenient solution?

Having a shower or bath can be a painful, exhausting and chilly experience for the very elderly, disabled or poorly person.

I read things like this and I just think, hope and pray I never become like this myself. It must be psychological to lose the desire to be clean or not even be aware of it. I wonder what causes this state of mind?

Well, so far, so good here - but please tell me if I fall off the wagon!
Pass the soap!
USA Gundy

My mother is like this. Although she had been struggling with dementia, she hid it well but when she stopped caring about her appearance, I knew something was wrong. She was always well turned out and very clean but that just went. We had really violent attacks against us and the carers when we tried to bath her but her skin was getting so sore.

I visited NAIDEX last week where I discovered Freshwipes - for adults. They measure 20x30cm and are extra thick. (Other adult wet wipes are available). Their website is Freshwipes.co.uk. They are plastic free and claim to be 100% biodegradable. Great for my husband who due to being semi-paraplegic has to manage everything below the waist.

bytheway, she may well be getting scared of falling. Is there any carers there that can help her bathe? I used to have a special in-bath stool but even I was scared trying to help her get into the bath. When she was wet it was not easy to get her out, it's like holding ont a wet fish. Either that, or do a strip wash with her sat on a chair/toilet/commode.

Quite a few mentions of wet wipes in this thread. What's wrong with a flannel and a bowl of warm water? A squeezed out flannel does everything a wipe does. Wipes are all bad news for the environment and if they go down the loo they are a disaster and certainly don't biodegrade. Daily bathing/showering isn't essential. I have 2 or 3 showers each week and a good wash on the other days. I do not smell.

Tenko 'smelt because she wasn’t washing herself and spoke to the reablement team . They weren’t bothered and said personal hygiene was her choice and that they couldn’t force her to wash if she didn’t consent ,

Do you think elderly people should be forced to wash?

Who is the washing for?

Icanhandthemback ' We had really violent attacks against us and the carers when we tried to bath her '

Do you think elderly people should be forced to wash?

Who is the washing for?

Why is everyone fixated on showering. Dementia has its own agenda and forcing someone will just make things difficult. I knew someone who hated showers. A funny story was told to me by a care inspector. When she heard a woman screaming behinds closed door she listened only to hear a dementia patient not wanting her knickers on she just wanted to die. The carer said okay Mary you can die once your knickers are on the patient calmed down and allowed the knickers to be put on. The moral of this story perhaps is to relax more if you can, try and enjoy the real person underneath the dementia . I’ve many years experience working with dementia and feel for all families who live with it.love to you all.

Fleurpepper, my mum has a skin condition which needs her to be bathed or she will be in severe pain. No, I don't believe in forcing old people to wash per se but without a cleansing of her skin once a week, she soon deteriorates which causes her much more pain than a wash. Add into the mix that she was doubly incontinent and a poo smearer, it wasn't always easy not to wash her. We obviously tried to promote it in a nice way, never carried her kicking and screaming but she would start towards the bathroom as if she was happy and then ram us with her walker or throw things as she passed them! Other times she would walk straight into the shower quite happily. Now she is in a home, they have enough staff to keep returning to ask her if she is ready for her bath until they catch her at the right moment although she still has her moments. Unfortunately we did not have that luxury as she only had carers in twice a day for limited amount of time. The washing was for her comfort rather than mine so please don't judge me.

The last 2 years of my mother's life I did her personal care every morning. I was still working and used baby wet wipes as I did not have the time to give her a proper wash. I thought that wipes were better than nothing.
My sister and I would bath her once a week. I would tell her in the morning that she would be having a bath that evening. Every time she would refuse to have a bath.
I finally hit on something that worked. I would tell her that if she did not have a bath, all that nice hot water would go to waste. As she had grown up in a house where every drop of hot water had to be boiled on an open fire, the thought of wasting that water was a sacrilege to her. She was nearly 90 by then.
When she was much younger, in the early seventies, I bought my first automatic washing machine. She was appalled to think that the hot soapy water was going straight down the drain. She asked me if the water could be diverted to wash down the garden path.

I like that. WASTE!
I wish we'd thought of it when caring for my Mum.