How to start the difficult conversation?

This morning a routine follow-up phone call from the hospital gave me the opening I needed to list three appointments DH needs to make, but I have got my head bitten off, been told he isn’t ready, doesn’t want me nagging, it makes him feel worse.

You've done your best.

Ignoring what he knows he needs to do won't make it go away and must be adding extra stress to his situation.
But then you know that... 😕

I'd say all you can do now is leave him with his list and say you're not going to mention it again, it's entirely up to him if he deals with it or not.

It sounds like he is scared of his future, maybe just stand back and be empathetic and extra loving..

Katie59, there is a will. Our finances will be fine. Other beneficiaries need sorting.

This morning a routine follow-up phone call from the hospital gave me the opening I needed to list three appointments DH needs to make, but I have got my head bitten off, been told he isn’t ready, doesn’t want me nagging, it makes him feel worse.

I think I’d arrange a home visit by a solicitor, and tell him gently that this is going to happen, your are going to update yours too, so he can have a think in advance. It will be more expensive but I’d have thought it’d be worth it.

If there is no will you are intestate this means that half the estate goes to the children - you may have to sell the house.

Making a mutual will is easy, then the surviving partner can have control and arrange affairs according to needs

Not having control of bank accounts may mean you cannot buy food or pay the rent, we all need to understand the risk.

Cabbie’s husband isn’t well, which makes it difficult for him to face putting his affairs in order.

I don’t understand why it’s so difficult, we made our fist wills when we had the children, which included details of their Guardianship and they made their own wills as soon as they married, we all update them as and when needed.
POAs were done 15 yrs or so ago when we became aware of them.

A dear friend with property in the UK and a holiday home in France took over two years to resolve the situation financially when her husband died unexpectedly and intestate. It also cost her several thousand pounds in professional fees. Nevertheless, I don't feel that confrontation is advisable here, and would recommend that you sit down with your husband and quietly explain the adverse implications of his reluctance to act. You may have already tried this, but gentle persistence may pay off. I do hope it works out, as my friend was in a dreadful mess, and very stressed for a long time.

Anything important you make the appointment and drag him there, if he still resists create an almighty row until he gives in.

foxie48

I've always found it better not to bully people but to try to find a way to make it easier for them. I guess your husband has been/is quite ill? He may feel that making a will is tempting fate or he might be finding it really difficult to face his own mortality. We are all so different in these matters and he might be feeling quite frightened by what's happening to him. You are probably worried and frightened too. I find loving and open conversations can work better than confrontation. Tell him honestly how you feel and why you are worrying about why he doesn't have a will that represents his wishes, do it kindly and with compassion and ask how you can help him. You might have done that already but sometimes it just takes time. Good luck and I am very sorry that you find yourself in this position.

Good advice foxie. Gentle discussion is better at this stage to gain understanding and acknowledgement of fears and worries.

Cabbie talking through wishes and fears together is the best prelude to making things official You might find it helpful to look at the POA documents or an Advanced Care Plan from, not necessarily to fill in yet, but to help with areas for discussion. Then make notes together. At that point maybe say you are making an appointment and that you will face this together. Anotger touted is to take advantage of Free Will week offered by various charities. People are available to advise with understanding Good luck

A close friend, widowed with no children, has been trying to sort her Will for at least five years. She admits it worries her but somehow there’s a barrier she can’t name or overcome. Maybe the same for your husband cabbie?

We try to support our friend while being aware that she intends our family to be beneficiaries and so are reluctant to be too involved in case her remaining family with whom there are many tensions make allegations.

Go gently with your husband cabbie there will be a reason making sense to him holiday him back. Gentle encouragement and an offer to arrange an appointment might help. Would he talk to you about the barriers he is experiencing, no matter how daft they may seem? If you could work together to reduce these barriers the problem will disappear and I’m sure you’d both feel better. Yes I know that’s easier said than done, I own to clutching at straws here. Good luck.

I've always found it better not to bully people but to try to find a way to make it easier for them. I guess your husband has been/is quite ill? He may feel that making a will is tempting fate or he might be finding it really difficult to face his own mortality. We are all so different in these matters and he might be feeling quite frightened by what's happening to him. You are probably worried and frightened too. I find loving and open conversations can work better than confrontation. Tell him honestly how you feel and why you are worrying about why he doesn't have a will that represents his wishes, do it kindly and with compassion and ask how you can help him. You might have done that already but sometimes it just takes time. Good luck and I am very sorry that you find yourself in this position.

We are in the process of sorting our affairs
LPOA sorted.
Financial papers all in order in a place AC know.
New wills within the next four weeks, I will feel settled when all is done and dusted.

Why is it a difficult conversation? We made our first wills shortly after our children were born and have updated them regularly since. We set up POAs when we were still in our 40s.

We are all going to die sooner or later. Even children know that.

None of us like to face our own mortality but it has to be done. I made the appointment with the notaire and told my husband he needed to make things as easy as possible for me and the children if he predeceased us. I did the same thing.
Appeal to his better nature Cabbie21

He does need and want to change it since the death of a relative and to take changed circumstances into account. I don't need to change mine as the changes do not affect me.
He is only too aware of reality, this is the problem.

You say he needs to make a new will so presumably he already has one, maybe he doesn’t want to change his.

Our neighbours had a home visit from their solicitor. We were invited to be witnesses.

Is he avoiding reality? We had to push our parents to make wills ‘we don’t need to, we won’t die’ but eventually they did thankfully.
We renewed ours last year after my husband’s diagnosis. Anything to make the endless sorting out easier

I had a home visit from a solicitor, because I was too unwell to attend the appointment. It was a huge relief to get it done and dusted.

Tell him that you're making your own will and POA and suggest he comes too. Just be matter of fact about it.

Making a will is a sobering business but an essential thing to do. Do organise Powers of Attorney at the same time and then take yourselves off for a nice treat afterwards as you need one.

It’s difficult to face but he’ll be glad when it’s done and he can forget about it. If it would be difficult for him to visit a solicitor most are happy to make a home visit for a small extra fee. Good luck!

I do agree. DH is not refusing, but this is a hurdle he can't quite overcome yet. Maybe I do need to make the appointment.

Quite right Marydoll. The sensible and responsible thing to do. Refusing to put our affairs in order doesn’t confer immortality.