Sick of being fobbed off by son and dil

Op,

Being practical, how far do you live from them?

London is huge and who would go where to babysit?

Londonlyra - I'm just so sorry you are having such a painful time. It is really difficult to know what approach to use when there is rejection of this kind. It can feel that whatever you say or do is loaded and that you will get it wrong as far as they are concerned, whatever you say. I can only suggest as I was told long ago re. painful situations: 'Hold the people with love in your heart and then let them go.' It's had some surprising results.

My son got with woman that we instantly took a dislike to each other. I felt she also looked me down and she made no bone about not liking the north east. I smiled for my son’s sake and bit my lip. Then they got married still very strained Christmas dinner was fun with her family at their house lol she made stuff up about me so we didn’t speak for few years. Come lockdown she had a baby I actually said to my other son we won’t see baby. We did 5 months later but that was only because we were in lockdown. I filled a box of baby things personalised etc and my son said she cried when she received the parcel and now we go shopping together I stay at their house for few days baby sit my 2yr granddaughter and she even rings me up. So I’d say never give up keep trying and keep the contact. Have you tried reaching out to your daughter inlaw because I get more out of mine than I do my sons lol

All these varying views! I lived quite a distance from my home area and the onus was on myself and DH to make the journey to see our offspring’s grandparents who luckily lived fairly near each other. They rarely visited us, being older and eventually not so mobile. I thought it important for my children to be close to their wider families especially their grandparents. I was brought up away from mine in a time where travel was not so easy. I didn’t want the same for them. I feel for this lady but it is what it is. Perhaps her DS and DIL don’t realise what their child is missing out on! Despite past history, time is a great healer. Her GC might express the wish one day to see her grandma, like other children do (peer pressure is a good leveller!) and it will be up to the parents to deal with that request.

Don`t know if this can help Londonlyra

but I have 4 grandchildren, from 25, to 13, dil been a stay at home mum, I so wanted to be involved, but not to be seen as interfering,
as far as I am aware, no problems, we visited etc.. but not involved with gks. only one ever stay over..

now 13 year old , girl, having problems with panic attacks etc.. schooling, and dil asked me to help out by having gd stay with me! I held my tongue as no close relationship with gd whatsover..

I just though, perhaps dils can be like that.. not easy...

silverlining48

I wasn’t that close to my in laws. We were very different people but they were my dh parents. We visited them and invited them to our home regularly because they were our children’s grandparents.
We were busy too, we do know about having young children, having brought up our own, but always made a point of finding the time for their grandparents and always made them welcome.

Exactly that's what we did FiL had very slow (20 year ) progression alzheimers so obviously that was awkward at times . But we were a different generation .

Maybe you could offer your services to a local school as a granny helper. My parents did this for years and read stories to groups or listened to readers. They felt useful and were often greeted by children in the street.

Vs

Exactly

Londonlyra it may seem hard just now but remember you are in this for the long term. My parents didn't see much of my children as babies 200miles + away and they were both still working. They came up trumps when my kids were older.And the relationship they had with them was great. My mum also was very close to her great grandchildren. You don't know what will happen in the future. Just stay as open as you can. Don't be resentful. Do things which make you happy and fulfilled. I'm sure one day they will turn to you .

Why is the expectation on people to work to maintain relationships with difficult people

Rather than

An expectation on difficult people to change their behaviours to maintain their relationships

Such backwards logic

silverlining48

I wasn’t that close to my in laws. We were very different people but they were my dh parents. We visited them and invited them to our home regularly because they were our children’s grandparents.
We were busy too, we do know about having young children, having brought up our own, but always made a point of finding the time for their grandparents and always made them welcome.

You said it!👏🏻👏🏻 We were busy then like they are now but still made time to see the parents and grandparents.I think younger people are more selfish now tbh and that’s all there is for it.
Don’t know your age Londonlyra but be careful offering childcare, am only late fifties and do a tiring physical job and childcare for DGC and it’s more than enough.If you do, offer one day a week.If they don’t want it and pay for childcare instead ask them over to yours now and then for some lunch or suggest you go to theirs and help make lunch? Really tho you can’t keep in doing that if you get knocked back every time.It’s a real sad situation.

I think you need to start your own thread Babciabuela

You couldn't have chosen a less appropriate place to ask that one

*my son (duh)

I’m looking for other similar grandparents who care for grandchildren in west London. Most Fridays I have my two young grandchildren (aged 4 and 2) with me in Chiswick. Now a new baby is on the way with my second son and dil - and I hope to be helpful to them too. Are there other Grannies? Or Nonnas or Babcias or Abuelas who’d like to join us? Or granddads? In the mornings I go to soft play areas and Chiswick house, the river and the various play-parks. Lunch at noon, nap until 3.00 then nursery pick up - dinner and by then my sun usually comes to collect them or sometimes I take them a few stops on the bus to his home. I’d love to contact others like me so we could have a little granny network in this area. Anyone interested?

To add - It can be difficult because we either know about or read, including on Gransnet, families that are very close and loving, but there are also some with total estrangement or other nastinesses. Managing to "make ones own life" has to be the answer and can have the effect that when they see that they are more rather than less likely to keep contact.

Offer of cooking does work sometimes.
I have had family over for "early supper with no expectation to stay on". It is often taken up.
Good luck.
X

I don’t think it matters how close you are geographically. It depends on how your relationship was with them before they had any children. Especially your DIL. If you weren’t close before, they probably just don’t feel very comfortable with you going around more than you used to. I don’t mean that to upset you, but I remember when I had my Son and I felt so uncomfortable with my In-Laws, that never once came to see me or their Son for a visit (they don’t even know how many siblings I have or remember the name of the town I moved from for their Son) but all of a sudden they wanted to nip round all the time when my Son was born. They also lived 10 minutes away, so it wasn’t like they couldn’t make the time to travel.

Then address why no invitation with son and repair your relationship with son

Just because you did x and y when you had kids doesn't mean others will behave same way

Can you invite them?
We have a new gc and they are actually quite grateful to come over fora Sunday roast! Any minute now in fact.
It’s a very difficult time for them.

My sympathies. Tread softly, make your own life, be open to any opportunities, show you care in non demanding ways (cards, gifts at birthdays, christmas) and hope x
I can see the difficulties because of DH dying, then Covid, and none of it is your fault, because in Covid time they will have got close without you - I'm sure it impacted many others - and certainly not the money thing.

I wasn’t that close to my in laws. We were very different people but they were my dh parents. We visited them and invited them to our home regularly because they were our children’s grandparents.
We were busy too, we do know about having young children, having brought up our own, but always made a point of finding the time for their grandparents and always made them welcome.

... bit if there is no invitation from the son,?

I would focus on your son and healing the relationship between you

Take away any pressure with offers to babysit or requests to see the baby

Focus on him, make the relationship stronger again, talk to him, ask him what he needs from you to be closer again

The best way to have a good relationship with the grandchildren is to have a good relationship with the parents

Basically - somebody wants to see my child but also wants me to make all the effort to make it possible- who is selfish here

Yes seriously -unless the parents offer to visit the grandparents place

Grandparents forget how much work a child is and how little time families have

Packing all the things a child needs, coordinate the visit in between nap times, assuming nobody is feeling unwell, child may or not have the car seat or stroller, time for commuting back and forth, etc

Yes, parents are so selfish for taking their nuclear family's needs into account than catering to a grandparent that may only express interest on the child (sarcasm on)