Sick of being fobbed off by son and dil

lyleLyle

This must be very hurtful not having the relationship with your child that you envisioned. But I think you are glossing over the most important issues. You didn’t see them much as a couple before the baby. Now you are expecting the relationship to be completely different simply because you desire it to be. Life just doesn’t work that way. They aren’t “mad” because they haven’t adjusted their lives to suit what you want out of the relationship. It’s not some over-simplistic hard rule that states the mothers of sons will be second fiddle either. These are cop outs. Remember that the expectation of a different relationship post baby may not have been an idea you all shared. Work on building back the relationship with your son organically. That would be the place to start.

Agreed. What seems “mad” is that op expected to
Be regular childcare over nursery for a couple with whom they had a strained relationship and barely saw previously. Their having a baby didn’t change ops relationship with her son and his wife at all but she seems to have expected it
Would, like some sort of magic wand. That’s just not the reality.
I would
Advice strongly against just turning. Up
And
Hoping they’re brave enough to let you in as some
Have suggested op. Sounds like a good way to be intrusive and manipulative. It certainly wouldn’t win you any favors in already strained relationship

This must be very hurtful not having the relationship with your child that you envisioned. But I think you are glossing over the most important issues. You didn’t see them much as a couple before the baby. Now you are expecting the relationship to be completely different simply because you desire it to be. Life just doesn’t work that way. They aren’t “mad” because they haven’t adjusted their lives to suit what you want out of the relationship. It’s not some over-simplistic hard rule that states the mothers of sons will be second fiddle either. These are cop outs. Remember that the expectation of a different relationship post baby may not have been an idea you all shared. Work on building back the relationship with your son organically. That would be the place to start.

Please do not go and visit unannounced, no matter how desperate the chances are

There is always a lot to lose when contact is forced

In bygone days people just turned up, but now everyone has a phone it is easy to put people off without having to come face to face. It seems mandatory to make appts just to visit now and I am guilty of buying into this culture myself. My only suggestion would be take a chance and just go over there and hope they let you in. If they don't nothing will have changed and it will take a brave person who will refuse to let you in.

That must have been so hurtful. Lots of people have advised what not to do and only that sorting out the relationship with your son was the only possible fixer. Just had one idea - what about getting them on a video telephone call like WhatsApp?

Honestly, it just sounds like you weren’t that close to begin with, and now they have a young child you’re even less of a priority. It may hurt, but you can’t force an idealised grandmother relationship on the situation. If they didn’t want to come round before, why would that have changed now it’s harder?

They must be mad!
Keep in touch (not too pushy) and sometimes offer to visit or see them out somewhere - it would enrich the baby and your life - such a shame but their loss at the end of the day…

I just think that if you are the mother of a son than you are going to play second fiddle to your dil family and even more so when Grandchildren arrive.
I don't have Grandchildren yet but if the wedding is anything to go by I'm expecting it tbh .
I've always had a close relationship with my son but it seems now that my dil speaks for him and makes all the decisions.
Naturally she's closer to her own mother and family , fair enough .
I have a busy full life and I enjoy the time we get to spend together and grit my teeth quite a lot because I know if I say what I really think than I'd probably not see him again . Mothers of sons eh , that's what happens sometimes.

VioletSky

I would focus on your son and healing the relationship between you

Take away any pressure with offers to babysit or requests to see the baby

Focus on him, make the relationship stronger again, talk to him, ask him what he needs from you to be closer again

The best way to have a good relationship with the grandchildren is to have a good relationship with the parents

Exceptionally sound advice. Offers of childcare from an adult with whom you have a strained relationship ? Of course they e turned that down. What did you expect ? Even offering in that circumstances seems particularly entitled to thik they’d even consider it. Focus your attention on two things - minding your own life and filling it with things that aren’t your so. And his family , and gently and slowly trying mend your relationships with your son on his terms. It’s the only way you’ll ever have a relationship with your granddaughter

Londonlyra
I am so sorry to hear this. I am a grandparent of two baby girls one each of my two sons and partners. For twenty years before the baby arrived my older son and I had struggled with our relationship because of disapproval from my son (it's a long story.) I was invited to his wedding (I was so happy to have the invitation) and to meet their new born daughter at 3 weeks postnatal. I know I can get over excited in relation to seeing my granddaughter's once every few months, so I try to calm myself down and not be an off putting guest. I can see how hugely busy they are with both working full time and have many friends and a good social life. Also nurturing their sweet daughter which they put enormous energy into, quite rightly. I am an older Nan at 75+ so I am not as agile (arthritis) as I'd like to be. I do get down on the floor to play with the girls.
Could you write a letter to your son. My son suggested doing that because we often got tense with each other on the phone. I received a letter from him which spoke of his difficult feelings growing up and I found some of that painful but I tried very hard not to become defensive. Listening is so important when it feels like one's efforts as a mother are being criticised. It's hard but worth it. Once my older son realised what the demands of being a parent are even with both parents supporting each other (I was a single parent which in itself made my son angry. Things have definitely got better between us. Sorry about long post!

Can understand your desperation to meet your GD. The famiky sutuation just doesn't seem to lend itself to trekking either way over London when yoh say contact was infrequent beforehand. Woukd you son, DIL oerhaos be willing send pictures of GC so you can at least visibly follow her growing up. Unless of course pictures without physical contact would make you feel worse. What has gone before sadly can't be undone. Live your life, you never know situation may change.

Londonlyra Story of my life. Wish I’d had a daughter instead of a son!! They always tend towards her parents, but when I mention that they might come to visit us the response is always “too busy with work etc” Our way around the problem, go to see them instead…..

Primrose53, I like your suggestion to meet up somewhere. There are so many parks and interesting places in London that you could meet half way. Maybe they'd enjoy a picnic - and later on, perhaps tour some galleries or museums? It takes the sting out of awkward family encounters if there's something to do on neutral ground - and it's much easier to escape home when it suits.

Maybe you need to mends things with your son first? It could, look like you were not interested before there was a little one. Invite him for lunch and them make overtures to the Mum alone. Baby steps and then offer to babysit.

Oh Fael what an absolute kickin the teeth for you that’s hideous

I have a good relationship with son and DiL BUT my offers of childcare were also rejected and I was deeply hurt. In their defence and looking back on that time, they needed absolutely secure and regular care locally (I’m one hour away) as they have pressured professional careers. It didn’t damage my relationship with my grandchildren who now stay over regularly (10 and 8 years) so alls well that ends well but I can still remember feeling rejected and the tears I shed. If only our children could grasp our overwhelming love for grandchildren.

One of my 3 Dils has no parents or grandparents of her own and contrary to what I thought, she is the least keen to include us, now just me, in her life and her DC lives.
My son keeps the contact but whenever I phone she puts me straight through to my son.

Families eh?

Obviously her parents are not around…she may have had a bad relationship with them.
If you can’t rectify the problem,then maybe write letters to your grandchild. Perhaps at Xmas and on the birthday.
Deposit the letters with a solicitor to be given to child when adult. Don’t ever criticise the parents but talk about your life.
Good luck

I would be phoning, just a quick chat and superficial but regular. Remind them if they are your side of town that they can pop in and hope you can do the same if you are their way. Relationships are complex and a baby doesn't always heal a rift so just go with it for now. Either that or just come straight out with it and ask if everything is ok and ask why it feels like they keep you at arms length and rarely let you see the bairn. Tell them it hurts your feelings but remember that you may not agree with their replies. Don't argue over it though. Once harsh words are exchanged its never easy getting back on track.

My grandson is 3 and they live in Canada but every Sunday we FaceTime and I chat to him and he knows who I am . Is it possible to set up a day and time you could chat to your granddaughter and of course Mam and dad too

This completely resonates with me. My grandson is now 6, grand daughter 3. They made it clear that my offers of help with the grandson were not required. To add insult to injury - same 'rejection' when granddaughter was born. This time DIL had a cesarean and I knew they needed help so sent my son a substantial cheque so they could pay for childminders, home help etc. And they made full use of the money by paying the other grandmother to come and help out with above. Talk about a kick in the teeth! Three years down the line the situation has not improved. I don't feel I know my grandchildren at all as I hardly see them. And no, there has been no falling out as such. Have given up by now and I volve myself with other things.

In a couple of months time your granddaughter will celebrate her first birthday. Perhaps this would be an opportunity to see your granddaughter? Her parents might have a little party for her and invite you, but you can also send a card or a gift if that doesn't transpire. Perhaps your son could make videos or send photos of her progress - first steps, eating by herself etc. I know young families are very busy these days. I am fortunate to have my daughter and her family living fairly close to me, and we see each other most Sunday afternoons, but sometimes they just have too much going on, and there is a lot to be packed into a weekend. I wish you all the best. My son fell out with me for long periods of time when he was younger. I really never knew why, but now that he is married with children the rift seems to have been mended.

This is sad, but I am not sure you can do anything to change the situation.

You say you and your son have had a difficult relationship since his father died. Your DIL can't be expected to think that this is her husband's fault at all, or even in part. And if, as so often happens these days, she is not close to her own parents, she may have no desire to get to know you, or see the necessity for grandparents in their child's life.

Stop inviting them and near Christmas send a present for the child and a card to the parents. Most people are willing to accept gifts for their children , and a present to the child and a card to them signalss' that you still want to keep in touch.

All youngsters are so busy these days and most only keep up with friends and family via social media. To our generation this is the same as not keeping in touch, but not to them.

If it makes a difference that you are less wealthy than they are, and it might well, if either your son or DIL are snobbish, or like so many in their generation primarily concerned with monetary wealth as conferring status, then honestly you are better off not seeing them.

None of this will make you feel better, I fear, but by not being seen to be "pushing" or "nagging" them, if this is what they feel you are doing, there is a slim possibility that they might come round to inviting you.

Do you smoke? Most young parents won't let their babies anywhere near smokers or their homes now, and some feel the same way about a home that has pets.

If it is any help, there are tons of other grandparents facing the same dilemma.

It is not necessarily your fault at all. Most young people today are happy to live their own lives without bothering about family. Again no consolation, except that again, this has nothing to do with anything you may have done, or said.

My 2 older children had a hard time because their father and I divorced and were overseas. They are now nearly 70
and i have great grandchildren. Due to
Living overseas I do not see much of my gramdcbildren or GG. But we have a family Whatsapp group to swap and dotes and post photos. I send money to buy them presents and generslly keep in touch. In Londonlyra’s case it would not be difficult to arrange contact a few times a yesr. I think this poor grandma has a case and i always get sad for grandmas who long to see their little ones. Parents need to think that it is important for their children to know their grandparents and i think if i was Londonlyra i would be calling her son or emailing him to tell him how much she would like to see her grandchild. Grans here often seem to side with the children who do not seem to understand how some grsndparents long to see their grandchildren. It does not bother me because i keep busy and my family circs do not mean i can just pop over for a visit.

I think it’s very sad Londonlyra. I don’t think you are being selfish- it is not that difficult with one child to visit a grandparent , for heavens sake. One of my sons lives in Wiltshire, has 4 children, one profoundly disabled , he’s a surgeon, dil is a working nurse - yet they still find time to visit us - we also visit them- Your son should try to understand that a good relationship with grandparents can be so valuable for the child’s development. Perhaps when/if they have more children - they will understand. If it is true that they think you are too poor to matter, well- that says far more about them than about you- it is frankly disgraceful and hurtful. Have you any other children to help you and love you? 🤗💐