Paying for adult children and family to visit

Do you have children or grandchildren of your own? I probably spend thousands on mine but as it is spread over the year it is not so noticeable. If they lived near and you saw them weekly and paid for little things it would add up over the year.

I realise that the OP is in the US but I thought that you were commenting upon the price in general, hence the Ryanair info.

Dinahmo

I've only flown once with Ryanair. Yes, we paid for a piece of hold luggage on top of the fares (not that cheap either!)

We were told in the queue just before we boarded that there was no room for hand luggage, it would have to go in the hold so people were unpacking, scrabbling around for carrier bags to put medication, jewellery in before hand luggage went into the hold.

I think the OP is in the USA.

As far as I can see the OP ( Lucy125 ) has not posted since Wednesday.
This smells of a (very clever) wind up.

Dinahmo

Callistemon Ryanair flights can start at under £20 if you don't take any luggage, other than a small bag (ie handbag)

If you pay for priority it's between £6 and £30 for 2 cabin bags.

A 10kg check in back is between £12 and £25 and a 20 kg bag is between £18 and £50.

If you want reserved seats, the price depends where in the plane that you want to sit - front rows , sets for long legs and you must reserve if you want to sit together. If you don't want to pay for special seats you will be allocated a seat during the final 24 hours before departure.

All the above prices are for one flight.

My DH moved to France 18 months before I did. I used to fly over frequently and used to pay around £10. I had a hessian Tesco bag that I used to take my clothes in which would squash under the seat in front. Those days are long gone.

OP stated she is in USA. No Ryanair involved, I don't believe.

Cheap flights abound in USA. The carrier we use allows a free bag.

Callistemon Ryanair flights can start at under £20 if you don't take any luggage, other than a small bag (ie handbag)

If you pay for priority it's between £6 and £30 for 2 cabin bags.

A 10kg check in back is between £12 and £25 and a 20 kg bag is between £18 and £50.

If you want reserved seats, the price depends where in the plane that you want to sit - front rows , sets for long legs and you must reserve if you want to sit together. If you don't want to pay for special seats you will be allocated a seat during the final 24 hours before departure.

All the above prices are for one flight.

My DH moved to France 18 months before I did. I used to fly over frequently and used to pay around £10. I had a hessian Tesco bag that I used to take my clothes in which would squash under the seat in front. Those days are long gone.

OurKid1

I'm confused! You buy them clothes? What happens to those clothes then? If they take them home, who pays for them to go into the hold? If they don't take them home, then surely you'd keep them ready for next time they visit.

well spotted!!!

PS Where's the OP gone?

Keep your finances separate is my advice.
Stop that joint account now.
Those dollar fares must be interstate, surely.
There is no way a family of 5 could expect 4 holidays halfway across the world to be paid for by her DF
How come they have so many vacations?
My DC have 4 weeks a year (possibly 5) and can only afford one proper holiday per year.

I'm confused! You buy them clothes? What happens to those clothes then? If they take them home, who pays for them to go into the hold? If they don't take them home, then surely you'd keep them ready for next time they visit.

If they do not bring clothing then surely there is enough clothing already at your house from previous trips.

This is why I would never have a joint account. Each should be allowed to spend their money on whatever they choose.

My DF and his wife lived in Spain for many years but when we visited them I decided I’d rather stay in a hotel near them. My father wasn’t too happy but tough that’s what I wanted. I wouldn’t have dreamt of asking for airfare from him nor clothes, toiletries etc we always paid our own way including treating them to a meal. We only went for long weekends as that was enough for me. We haven’t got endless pots of money either but I did my duty and at least saw my Dad. We used to email as well in between visits. It sounds like your step daughter is absolutely taking the Micky to be honest. My DB lived in the States until he sadly passed away in January this year and even visiting him we obviously paid for our own fare. We did stay with him but always bought food and a meal out. We spoke on the phone though for hours on Viber each week as it was free. I’d suggest she uses Facebook and Viber to keep in touch more often with you and her DF and cut the visits down to once a year and mention how expensive is getting now and if they want to visit they will have to put their hands in their pocket towards the cost! Also it’s not really fair to pay for one family to visit but not your other children. My DF always said once he moved to Spain he found he suddenly had friends he didn’t have before when living in the UK. I would bring up the fact ‘why should she be treated differently to the other children’ if I were you?

V3ra

^He has two other children that pay their own way. This is his oldest daughter from another relationship.^

Norah there are three adult children on Lucy's* husband's side of the family.

The other 2 seemed her children. Could be wrong, of course.

He has two other children that pay their own way. This is his oldest daughter from another relationship.

Norah there are three adult children on Lucy's* husband's side of the family.

icanhandthemback I think the bottom line for us is that all our children (and grandchildren) are treated fairly but also with a "genuine need" clause if they are going through a particularly bad time. On that basis in my humble opinion, is that your husband may be making a mistake and inadvertently alienating your stepdaughter from her siblings if he is treating her differently.

I agree, we treat ours the same.

However, H only has the one child, no siblings I saw in OP's posts.

Might be a hidden agenda. Do they feel it’s “ his” home. Did you replace the mother in their family home? Seems like they are claiming priority placement. My stepson is ludicrously well paid but has NEVER even bought a round of drinks when he visits. He came to see us recently, turns out he wanted some of his inheritance in advance! This guy never even sent his half-sister a card when she got married.

I cannot comprehend how anyone would expect their parent to pay for their visits.

It strikes me that VioletSky had the right idea.
I am also a stepmother of 3 adult children and step grandma to 6 children. My husband is able to spend what he likes on his children if he sees fit and I feel able to pay out for my children if I see fit as long as it doesn't leave us struggling as a couple. I know he feels very guilty that he wasn't there for their teenage years after their mother took them 200 miles away.

We do, however, have an agreement about Birthday and Christmas presents where we pay a certain amount so that it is fair. Our youngest son is a little more spoiled but that is because the others had many good years of expensive presents before we cut back and he is just starting out so we help him with travelling expenses for job interviews and occasional food parcels just like we did with his older brother when he was at Uni. Beyond that, I don't see why I should explain my spending to him if I don't want to and I wouldn't expect him to talk to me. We do but there is no expectation.

I think the bottom line for us is that all our children (and grandchildren) are treated fairly but also with a "genuine need" clause if they are going through a particularly bad time. On that basis in my humble opinion, is that your husband may be making a mistake and inadvertently alienating your stepdaughter from her siblings if he is treating her differently.

Tell her it's a choice of either free holidays or inheritance. Can't have both! That'll make her think.

grandtanteJE65

This issue needs to be addressed in the broader context of a talk with your husband about his and your expectations of retirement.

What you both, or the one or other of you want to do when you retire and most importantly what your finances are going to be.

Now is also the time to discuss whether you intend to remain in your present home, or downsize, and whether either of you , or both of you wants to travel and see more of the world before you become too old to enjoy doing so.

At some point you can then introduce the subject of whether you and your husband still can be so generous regarding the "children's" visits.

But don't lead with their visits and who pays for them, as it sounds like an emotional minefield to me.

Included in finances could be how each intends to spend their 'fair share' of all savings and incomings. Assuming all couples have ways to divide assets and incomes to suit themselves - do that.

I certainly don't spend on my husband's hobbies, he surely doesn't spend on my hair, we each have pots of disposable money.

41Callistemon21 A lot of aurlines charge for hold luggage and the cost can vary according to weight.

Hithere

Who is insisting on paying?
1. The daughter and family or they dont visit
2. Op's husband?

Very pertinent questions Hithere

Something seems terribly unfair here - and issues are all across the board.

I don’t know. If you are the non-biological mother (a step-mom for 20 yrs) that could be the sticking point. If you were their mother it wouldn’t matter a bit, then, would it?

My personal belief is if this adult (dau) couple has dual incomes there should be a compromise for these twice a year visits.

Kids have their way with soft-hearted parents in manipulating guilt, sorry to say. Dad here has been worked over so many times that there doesn’t seem to be any room for compromise now.

Air fare and in-house food - yes to that - but they must bring their own clothes and personal effects. (My rule!)
Period!
USA Gundy

This issue needs to be addressed in the broader context of a talk with your husband about his and your expectations of retirement.

What you both, or the one or other of you want to do when you retire and most importantly what your finances are going to be.

Now is also the time to discuss whether you intend to remain in your present home, or downsize, and whether either of you , or both of you wants to travel and see more of the world before you become too old to enjoy doing so.

At some point you can then introduce the subject of whether you and your husband still can be so generous regarding the "children's" visits.

But don't lead with their visits and who pays for them, as it sounds like an emotional minefield to me.

I understand providing food and entertainment for them and even helping with the airfare - but they should bring their own clothes. Or bring them once and leave them in a spare cupboard at yours to be used every time they come.

agree with other GN's, that you and your OH need to discuss allocation of funds