Help how can I escape at my age.. husband always drunk to excess now on 3 botttles wine a day and occasionally binges with spirits

I agree with lemsip, call the police as soon as he drives full of drink, if he killed someone you may never forgive yourself for not reporting him,
When the police stop him he will get the help he needs and it's out of your hands

She can't just pack a bag and leave unless there is some where to go, someone she can stay with indefinitely. It's her home he is a selfish drunk, tell the police next time he goes behind the wheel over the limit, start ringing 999 if he gets violent, he should get out not her. How would you feel if he killed people drunk driving and you coukd have stopped it. Be responsible, take control.

A friend had an alcoholic husband who binged and then slept it off. She could not trust him to pick up the children from school. He went to clinic and was dried out several times but couldn’t stop going back on the booze . She was a devout catholic who wouldn’t break her marriage vows until one day she came home to him crashed out and the cat dead in the washing machine. She collected the children and left but never divorced. He died a few years later. After she left it was like 10 years dropped off her.

.Unless your dh really wants to go and get help he will carry on drinking and could become violent. If he is blaming you he is not accepting responsibility. Drink is his mistress. Do explore finding a safe way out. My dd in a similar position rented a flat without him knowing and moved out when he wasn’t there. Eventually they divorced. No children fortunately.

I wholeheartedly agree with others who have said to phone the police when he is driving drunk. He can kill himself with drinking but how dare he put others at risk.

I'm sorry to hear you are living in such distressing circumstances.

If you know he is driving when drunk and don't report it to the police you could actually be an accomplice should there be an accident. it's a very serious matter. He could seriously damage or kill someone as well as himself.

Being reported to the police could be a wake up call for him. Hopefully they would take his license from him and he might get to a rock bottom and then get help somewhere. He is a very unwell man with a serious addiction. Addiction is an illness. He is not 'bad' or 'mad'.

But right now it is your wellbeing that matters.

And yes get in touch with Al-Anon and follow all the advice above from Hithere..and get your affairs in order... wise advice.

Is there someone you could go and stay with right now whilst you sort things out? Are there any children? Relatives? Friends?

Another alcoholic in recovery here,20 years for me.

Call Al-anon and get some support for yourself.

Definitely call the police the next time he drink drives.

My Mother was also an Alcoholic,she never wanted to stop drinking and died of Alcoholic dementia at 61.Alcoholism destroys everyone and everything in its path.

'How can I escape?' - it's really simple, when you've had enough. Just pack your bags and leave. Don't overthink it when you have so little to lose, just remove yourself from the situation.

You are not responsible for his problems, so stay with a friend or family member, holiday or rent a place - and stay away.

Good advice on here.

Do you know why he drinks?

I'd be straight onto the police!!

I second all the comments here. Drinking like that when you are older has a huge affect and it will totally damage his body, especially the liver. I am surprised he can do it, it is very unusual to survive that rate of alcohol consumption.

Lots of really good advice given already. I was married to a man with a drink problem. When he was caught drink driving and lost his license for a year, he drank even more because he got lifts and was home more etc. Getting caught didn't stop him. I had to learn that I couldn't make him stop or police him myself. He will deny everything he does and not want to accept he has a problem because its not really a problem for him. I had to try to stop monitoring and let go. Al Anon has useful information but I seriously encourage you to see your GP to get counselling. One alternative is to tell him that you may well love him (perhaps?) but cannot continue to live with his behaviour. My husband died 5 years ago now of Prostate cancer, I had counselling before and after he died. Keep looking after yourself, don't let him wear you down.

says my nagging him about it is why he drinks and I'm not going to run the last few years of his life for him.

This to me is a key phrase in what you have said; he is blaming you, and I think it does show that what others have said is right.

I agree that you should leave him; you don't deserve to be treated like this AND being blamed for it. It is a hard thing to do, but the financial and legal advice above is good, and if you have some support, even if just emotional, from family or friends, it will definitely help. And the advice to try Al-Anon, as well as your GP is also good.

Please don't resign yourself to this abuse for the rest of your life. The best of luck to you in this situation.

OP Unfortunately he isn’t going to change until he wants to and it doesn’t sound that he does. Therefore you have to accept that things will get worse until some crisis happens.
Therefore what do you actually want to happen? Previous posters have given really good advice about leaving as you shouldn’t have to live like this but is this something that you are seriously considering as nowhere have you said you are planning to leave.
Also the support of friends / loved ones would be so helpful - do you have this in real life?
It is hard to know what advice you really want.

He is a selfish drunk not a nice person and you shouldn't have to live with him. Please seek help you have plenty of advice and support here.I reported my ex for drinking and driving. Best wishes too you take care x

muddynails

Thank you for your replies. I do have details of his car for next time he goes out to buy drink, my doctor suggested this as she was horrified that he was drink driving, H keeps a supply hidden. He does accept he is an alcoholic but refuses to stop, says my nagging him about it is why he drinks and I'm not going to run the last few years of his life for him. I've told him I love him and believe on the infrequent times he tries to give up drinking he still loves me, and during those times he is a lovely man, unfortunately those times are becoming less frequent

Sadly these times will become less and less frequent - I had to throw out an alcoholic partner as he stopped giving me enough money to pay the bills, gradually at first until there one day was none as he had spent it all on drink. Eventually he started drinking mouthwash as it was cheaper. You could smell the alcohol on his skin, he was sweating it. It WAS scary, chucking him out and being alone for the first time ever, but it had to be. Accepting he is an alcoholic is the only positive thing here, but getting him to do anything about it is a different matter - my brother will NOT accept that he is, and says he can stop any time, which is complete BS, you wouldn't be able to do that without going through withdrawal, which will be hellish. It has to be done gradually preferably with help ...

He will hide it and become more clever at hiding it - I will bet that it is under the floor of his car boot, as that is where I would hide it if I were being sneaky!

Please start getting your 'ducks' in order, as *Hithere says ...

1. Talk to a lawyer to know your rights
2. Attend meetings of an organization who supports family of alcoholics
3. Start getting important documents
4. Untangle yourself financially: Open your own bank account, get your own account if you have a family account together, etc.
5. Discreetly start building a secret money stash

It won't be easy by any means, but your life is as important as his is ...

muddynails, do you have any family and/or supportive friends?? Knowing this, could make a difference to the responses that GNs feel able to make to your post.

I’m in recovery from alcoholism over 30 years now and AA did it for me.
The sister fellowship is Al-Anon which is for relatives and friends and very helpful so I’ve been told…💐

Thank you for your replies. I do have details of his car for next time he goes out to buy drink, my doctor suggested this as she was horrified that he was drink driving, H keeps a supply hidden. He does accept he is an alcoholic but refuses to stop, says my nagging him about it is why he drinks and I'm not going to run the last few years of his life for him. I've told him I love him and believe on the infrequent times he tries to give up drinking he still loves me, and during those times he is a lovely man, unfortunately those times are becoming less frequent

Be careful in calling the police!

They are likely to turn up t do a welfare check on you when he is there and you can't say anything in front of him! This has happened twice to 2 people I know recently - ridiculous and unsafe. Both have since got free with some assistance from myself and my family, but it was awful.

Having the same with my brother, recently found out he is an alcoholic, but there is in reality little you can do if they don't accept it sadly. I will look into the above links myself as my mum is at her wits end, with me unwell, losing her granddaughter recently and now this. She doesn't want to lose her son as well and wishes she wasn't here. She is 87 and fitter than I am, and I need to be here for her. Fortunately I brought her down to be close by as 4 hours for me by car to get to her was becoming more and more difficult for me to do. I haven't driven anything like that distance since. I think we were so tired when we left Yorkshire I didn't really notice the trip back, just did it!

*Hithere's suggestions are very good and I wish you luck.

I wouldn’t advise anyone to take away or hide the car keys and I doubt the police would either or it could provoke him to violence.

Far better to ring the police and give them his details. You don’t need to wait until he goes out to buy alcohol. Given the amount he drinks he is probably permanently over the limit.

If he loses his license he will still find a way to get what he wants but at least he won’t hurt or kill somebody else in the process.

As said by Lemsip I think, definitely get a secret stash.
Do you have children, and if so are they aware.
Any family, anyone who can support you.
Do not keep this a secret.

Just a thought, he can't drive if he doesn't have keys. It may cause a lot of difficulty if you took the keys off him. Could he 'lose his keys'.... Could you access his keys and hide them forever? Or perhaps it is a family car and he would know that you also have a set of keys.
To be honest, given your awful situation, you need some action very soon. Either via your GP, family, or even Women's Aid. Your own mental health must be suffering and your GP may be able to help. Do you share the same doctor, or the same medical practice. Could you speak with his doctor.
A previous poster mentioned ringing the police anonymously to report when his is actually out driving in his car. The quickest action from police would probably be to ring the local police station. I'd be tempted to ring 999 and tell them, and say he does it regularly. However, It used to be that from a landline the police could immediately access he caller's name and address. It would be different using a mobile. I'm thinking the police would keep your name out of it.

I feel so sad for you.

It’s good that you posted and good to see so much excellent practical advice here. annodomini is correct, your police team will have a team dedicated to domestic abuse, they’re a good starting point. The officers working on these dedicated teams are generally very good, knowledgable and understanding.

I’d ask their advice, and about whether 999 is the right number to call if he gets in his car, he will never be under the limit given how much he’s drinking. I think 999 is right and that if you speak at a quiet moment with the domestic abuse team, they’ll flag your name and number so you get a speedy response.
Meanwhile do yiu have family or friends who you can reach out to.
Adult social care should assess and offer you help

Your local police station will (or should) have a department that deals with domestic abuse. You should make them aware of the extent of his abuse when under the influence of alcohol which, it seems, is his permanent state. I see no reason why you should not contact the police (999 and tell the his car's registration number) to report the likelihood of his driving under the influence. He doesn't need to know who has reported him.
Do you have adult children/grandchildren and if you have, do they know what has been going on so long?

Your husband IS a danger to anyone else, when he's driving - my brother was killed by a drunk driver, many years ago, so I feel very strongly about that. Please, take the car keys away. If he still manages to get out and drive, you MUST ring the police. You're enabling your husband. If you've got family, get their support.

I used to be a carer for a couple very similar to you and your husband. He had Korsakoff's disease, which was caused by alcoholism. When his car was sold, he borrowed the grandson's small bike to get to the off-licence, such was his need for alcohol. Very sad.

I do feel for you, what an awful situation to be in at this stage of your life. You will need support to leave if that is what you want to do.

Please phone the police to tell them what is happening re driving and the times he leaves the house. If he kills or injures somebody you will feel very bad that you knew what he was doing.