Teenage granddaughter shutting herself off from family members

Perhaps she needs something to think about other than herself?

If her 'wants' are being re-classified as 'needs' and are being serviced by attentive adults then it must be terrifying for her. All that power! And the risk : 'if I do something mainstream all this attention may turn away and I won't be loved/noticed/wanted anymore'.

I did observe one youngster coming into the world by virtue of becoming responsible for a pet that couldn't be cared for by its owner.

I think in some ways teenagers are incredibly sensitive and supportive of their parents and grandparents. So when they have problems they will keep them to themselves because they don't want the Ps and GPs to worry.
Your GD may be feeling guilty because she was excluded and may not want to face family. She may be having problems fitting into her new school and/or being bullied. She may not want to tell anyone because she thinks she has caused enough trouble.
I think we have all (even as adults) said yes to an invitation then got really stressed when the time got nearer and not wanted to go.
Could you arrange to see her on her own sometimes, or perhaps with one other person? Just find ways to keep in contact with her so she knows you are there if she needs you. She's obviously gone through a lot and needs time to get through things.

I agree with Juicylucy

I’m sorry I’d be checking one she’s not being bullied online. Two she’s not being groomed online. Three why does she need dropping off and picking up from school, what is she scared off. Four who is she concerned about in the family why she has to ask who’s attending an event has someone hurt her upset her or done something to make her feel uncomfortable. I have 2 teenage granddaughters they would not be allowed to cut their selfs off like that. I think you need to dig bit deeper.

My granddaughter is only 12 and she is the same won’t go anywhere my son normally has to drive to see. Because she won’t always go to his house. My ex daughter inlaw is always asking her. her mum has just got divorced from her ex and she has had to move home and school twice in the last 2yrs plus she had lockdown so she didn’t get to see us then and we keep telling her we aren’t going anywhere. She will say she is coming then last min change her mind I know adults have struggled so it’s no wonder kids haven’t too. I let my granddaughter know I’m there for her and so does her daddy

I can only say that if she were mine, I'd be more concerned and would be talking to the SENCO at school.
That said, it is quite normal for teenagers to spend more time on their own. Five of mine spent time on their own but associated with their friends. This was entirely acceptable but I would insist that they spent some time on family occasions because I think it is important to learn how to deal with situations where you might be bored/slightly outside your comfort zone. The sixth child was an entirely different kettle of fish and at large family functions would seem to end up finding a reason to explode and leave. We had no idea that it was something much deeper because to be honest she seemed like a bit of a spoiled brat. How I wish we had taken it seriously because in her 30's she was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder but now there is a suspicion she is actually ASD (lots of crossovers between the 2 disorders and ASD adults are often misdiagnosed first). The trouble was she was a good kid at school but would get through the door and the meltdowns would start. I think we will miss a few teens with these problems because it will be put down to COVID.
However, your hands are tied as it is not your daughter.

So much of what you have said about shunning family, not speaking up for herself, staying in room , etc could easily be applied to my grandaughter. And she’s 21. I’ve worried about her for ages. She has led a sheltered life in a small village, local school, local job. Met her for lunch a couple of weeks ago. At Marylebone station. She moved to London with a friend a few months ago. She works in a coffee shop, long hours, poor pay, has to take care of herself, travel into Central, pay her own bills. And she loves it!! Cant get my head round it personally but she must have been SO frustrated living (smothered?) at home if that was the life she wanted. Maybe it will be a brief episode, maybe not. But the happy, confident young woman I saw striding off in the tube station is the girl I barely recognised. And she knows we are all here for her if she wants to come back.

Nanoften23, your expanded email explains a lot more and no wonder you are so worried. I'm also surprised that her parents seem to think she'll come around if left to her own resources. I would be very worried but you're not in a position to do anything,it's down to her parents to seek out whatever help is necessary. I can only say maybe a calm discussion with parents about your concerns might make them see things differently. Difficult I know as no parent wants to be told someone thinks their child might need help so softly, softly approach. I hope things turn out well for your GD

Family is one side of her life. If she was happy and sociable with school friends, outside interests and so on. I would ignore it.

If she has withdrawn into the house, and her bedroom and is not socialising with friends, or getting out to be with other people, then red flags would be waving and if i was her parents, I would be speaking to the school and the GP.

If she is reclusive, whaat do her parents know of what she does in her bedroom, is she on her computer all the time, what sites is she looking at, is she being radicalised in any way, or getting drawn down in to the vortex of conspiratory theories.

Simply, if the withdrawal is only from family, relax, if it goes any further, action is needed.

Many teens just don’t know how to interact with adults they communicate online with tweets and texts, face to face many are very awkward.
As a grandparent there isn’t much you can do other than go with the flow, the occasional text probably will get a reply but keep off contentious subjects. Boys have the same issues to a lesser extent and often communicate in grunts of one syllable, it’s much harder there days to make the transition to the adult world for boys and girls.

I agree with you Doodle I didn’t want to say it because I think people tend to jump to that all the time and I don’t think that’s helpful, but the school problems, the disruptive behaviour to the point of being expelled or excluded or whatever they call it don’t fit with a highly academic kid …. the staying in her room the inability to mix, the fear of group meet ups or travelling to school alone or speaking for herself in shops etc all point to a mental health problem and a great fear of human interactions

The poor lass is staying in her ‘safe space’ (her bedroom) well away from people, even her own family who she doesn’t know how to interact with She sounds in a very uncomfortable place

Not much as a grandmother you can do if the parents aren’t ‘seeing it’ but maybe a informal chat with the parents and at least set a bud of a thought in their minds but be so careful they may not want ‘to hear’ and then there is nothing you can do

I do feel sorry for this young lady she sounds in a very difficult place

I know people always jump in with autism on threads like this but some of her traits are exactly what my DGS has problems with. Can’t go into a shop without adult. Won’t talk to shop staff. Couldn’t use public transport. Avoiding groups of people. Excluded from school due to disruptive behaviour (not my DGS but school was a nightmare for him).
I only raise this as a thought because if your DGD in any way suffers from autism then she could well be in a bad place and need help and support. It’s not a fun world to be in.

Hetty58
I couldn’t agree more. Most of the schools aren’t fit for purpose, although I have to say that the school my granddaughter is now at is marvellous.

MerylStreep, I've taught those poor 'excluded' ones at college, where they were often sent aged 14! I did object, initially, having trained and qualified for the 16 and overs. I thought the college environment was far from suitable for them.

Still, I'm amazed by just how many kids do manage to cope with mainstream education, often a challenging and even hostile environment for them. Our education system and expectations are usually at fault, not the teenagers.

Is she bothered by anything do you know?
Her weight? Her looks? Doesnt have a boyfriend but thinks she should? That type of thing?

She was disruptive in mainstream school.
Did she feel she didnt fit in? Doesnt like authority?

Hetty58
You do not get excluded from main stream school for a little misdemeanour. Ive been through it all.

Hetty I had to laugh at "emerged eventually as normal people"

I think teens obviously just need quite a lot of mental and physical space to keep on top of all the growing and changing and it is very normal

Mine, different lengths of time and different amounts of engagement but all ultimately need space and privacy to grow

She sounds like an average (and perfectly normal) 15 year old to me. At that age (surely - you remember?) family gatherings are a complete bore and/or highly embarrassing.

My teenage granddaughter spends a lot of time in her room, on her phone to her best friend - voice with image (Facetime or similar). If she agrees to come here, with her little sister, to be babysat (huge 'baby' though) she's just the same - occupies a spare bedroom unless/until there's food on offer. We don't see much of her.

I wouldn't necessarily link it with lockdowns and Covid, though. My four all went through this weird 'self isolation phase' as teenagers (the boys more than the girls) and emerged, eventually, as normal people.

Nanoften
Do her parents have parental controls on FB.

Nanoften
From what you say about the family gathering that is a lot of people for her to cope with.
We have been going through this for a couple of years. A lot of what you describe we have seen, but sad to say, a lot lot worse.
I can’t stress enough how important it is to look at the phone.

It concerns me that she specifically asked who would be there and then declined

Could there have been an issue with another family member that has made her uncomfortable?

Yes I can understand that she may feel more comfortable with friends, than family, but she only has a couple of friends. At the family gathering there are usually parents, her sister, grandparents, two aunts & uncles, & between two & eight cousins, depending on what they have in their diary’s .

Thank you all for your thoughts, it is most appreciated. She has just turned fifteen, her parents say she has a couple of friends, spends a lot of time in her room, posts things on Facebook that are usually responded to by her mom, aunt, sister, other nan, or me, know one else. Was excluded from mainstream school because of disruptive behaviour, attends an academy now, won’t use the bus, has a parent drop her off & pick her up. Sometimes can’t go into a local shop alone, needs someone with her, yet other times will go shopping with parents, know problem, can’t go out of the house without false eyelashes, for the past two years, even to school. Academically very bright.
She agrees to attend family gatherings then makes an excuse at the last minute, the one before last she asked who was going to be there, (we are not a large family, ) all names reeled off by her mom, then she just said she couldn’t do it. Her sister, two years older, totally the opposite, she only declines when she has prior plans with friends.

Amberspyglass
She feels comfortable with her friends because many of them are all feeing the same. They don’t talk about it but they just know how their friends are feeling.

There’s no mention of shutting herself away from life or friends, though - just family ‘obligations’ she’s not interested in.