Teenage granddaughter shutting herself off from family members

Maybe it’s just not something she’s interested in at the moment. Young people have a lot on these days!

I hated most of the family gatherings I was dragged to as a teenager, and stopped going the moment I could.

Is she interacting ok with her close family like parents and siblings?

Does she have good friends?

Does she have good mental health in general?

If the answer is yes to all three, I wouldn't feel the need to worry. I never force my teens to go anywhere and if I did, they would likely resent me and worse, the people I forced them to visit.
Maybe find other ways to communicate and see her, engage her in her likes and interests. Teenagers often feel alone at family gatherings, too old to play and too young for the adults to include them in conversation. It will pass

Unless she is rude or openly hostile I would let her be. Does she have friends? My granddaughter who lives with us hates family gatherings but enjoys going out with her friends now and again. She also dislikes speaking on the phone to family members but will communicate by text.

Tough one - and I can understand your anxiety.

Has anyone thought to turn the router off?

If she isn't communicating with anyone she won't notice (and that would be very scary as vocations to silent nunneries are rare) but if she comes steaming out into the world in a panic then that is a different issue. One that should be tackled by parents taking the lead.

I made the mistake of asking an 18 year-old grand-daughter if she wanted to earn some extra cash for a much wanted motor-bike by taking on some easy work nearby. She claimed work would damage her mental health and her Dad cold-shouldered me for months for causing her distress.

Today's teens ain't like their parents. I keep getting told they have endured Covid at the worst possible time in their development.

Good luck, Gran.

Our 16 year old GD is similar ,avoids anything with more than a couple of people .Its since covid ,her mental health is fragile to say the least.She has a councellor n school and a mental health worker out of school who calls her at home .
Her problems started because she was terrified of carrying covid home to her mum who is chronically ill.Some days she seems her old self,other times she has complete meltdowns that we all find hard to deal with.
You get scared in case you say or do the worng thing instead of helping.
If its something thats new ,maybe give her a wee bit longer to see it she works through it, if not then seek help

How old is your granddaughter Nanoften ?

Teens usually would prefer to be with their friends rather than their family.

I agree with her parents in just leaving her be. Maybe she has told her parents that she doesn’t want to spend time with wider family so they are happy to leave it.

Try texting her, young people rarely speak on the phone.

Nanoften
I think if you were to ask this question on MumsNet you would get an insight into how many teenagers are suffering because of covid.
I will ask: are her parents monitoring her phone.

Two of mine who were teens through covid have really been affected by it all and they are pretty robust usually. I think we won’t really know the fall out from this until years later. My advice would be to just write to her, send her a card or text if you have a mobile. She’ll come through all this eventually

I meant to add, of course you’ll worry as her Gran, that’s natural

Just wondered how old she is, big difference between 13 and 16

Yes I asked her age as there are big differences according to her age ?

What amber and VS said - her parents have it handled anyway

There’s no mention of shutting herself away from life or friends, though - just family ‘obligations’ she’s not interested in.

Amberspyglass
She feels comfortable with her friends because many of them are all feeing the same. They don’t talk about it but they just know how their friends are feeling.

Thank you all for your thoughts, it is most appreciated. She has just turned fifteen, her parents say she has a couple of friends, spends a lot of time in her room, posts things on Facebook that are usually responded to by her mom, aunt, sister, other nan, or me, know one else. Was excluded from mainstream school because of disruptive behaviour, attends an academy now, won’t use the bus, has a parent drop her off & pick her up. Sometimes can’t go into a local shop alone, needs someone with her, yet other times will go shopping with parents, know problem, can’t go out of the house without false eyelashes, for the past two years, even to school. Academically very bright.
She agrees to attend family gatherings then makes an excuse at the last minute, the one before last she asked who was going to be there, (we are not a large family, ) all names reeled off by her mom, then she just said she couldn’t do it. Her sister, two years older, totally the opposite, she only declines when she has prior plans with friends.

Yes I can understand that she may feel more comfortable with friends, than family, but she only has a couple of friends. At the family gathering there are usually parents, her sister, grandparents, two aunts & uncles, & between two & eight cousins, depending on what they have in their diary’s .

It concerns me that she specifically asked who would be there and then declined

Could there have been an issue with another family member that has made her uncomfortable?

Nanoften
From what you say about the family gathering that is a lot of people for her to cope with.
We have been going through this for a couple of years. A lot of what you describe we have seen, but sad to say, a lot lot worse.
I can’t stress enough how important it is to look at the phone.

Nanoften
Do her parents have parental controls on FB.

She sounds like an average (and perfectly normal) 15 year old to me. At that age (surely - you remember?) family gatherings are a complete bore and/or highly embarrassing.

My teenage granddaughter spends a lot of time in her room, on her phone to her best friend - voice with image (Facetime or similar). If she agrees to come here, with her little sister, to be babysat (huge 'baby' though) she's just the same - occupies a spare bedroom unless/until there's food on offer. We don't see much of her.

I wouldn't necessarily link it with lockdowns and Covid, though. My four all went through this weird 'self isolation phase' as teenagers (the boys more than the girls) and emerged, eventually, as normal people.

Hetty I had to laugh at "emerged eventually as normal people"

I think teens obviously just need quite a lot of mental and physical space to keep on top of all the growing and changing and it is very normal

Mine, different lengths of time and different amounts of engagement but all ultimately need space and privacy to grow

Hetty58
You do not get excluded from main stream school for a little misdemeanour. Ive been through it all.