Help and support please

Grammaretto

I am sorry you are annoyed NewNana but they, your DS and his family, can't be in both countries at once so it would seem logical to be with the mum's.

I don't know why you feel undermined.
Fathers day was never a "thing" in the UK until fairly recently. It's a US import.
Try to be content with your own relationship with this new family and don't build up grudges is my advice.

Hmmmm, why is it logical to be with mum's family?

If one is supporting the notion of Father's Day, wouldn't that imply the father having "his" day? Why couldn't he choose to spend "his" day with his Dad and mum?

Where do son and dil live? UK, France, or?

Does your son live in France or the UK? From the sound of your post, they spend time in France with your DIL's family but don't live there. If this is the case, then why not have a small celebration in the UK for what they do in France either before or after their visit? I always gravitated towards my mother when my children were small because I knew her ways and her guidance was invaluable. My mother in law on the other hand had different and unknown ways to me. From what I see of other families this son/daughter/grandchildren dynamic has many pitfalls and it is up to the older generation to facilitate. We have had our time, now it is theirs and they will work with you if you work with them.

NewNana when you say that you are being ‘ undermined and second rate’, what do you mean?

Is there more to this than that your son spent Fathers Day with his wife’s side of the family? If not, whilst I do understand pangs of jealousy (before anyone jumps on me, people can’t help what they feel, just how they act on their feelings), I think you need to be realistic. They will see more of the grandparents who like nearby, but you can still be part of their lives if you phone regularly, maybe have Zoom or Skype calls when the baby is old enough, and cultivate a good relationship with your DIL in her own right.

If you are really being undermined that is different, but it’s difficult to tell from your post.

It’s perfectly natural for a woman to gravitate towards her own family when she has a baby. You are not being undermined. They can’t be in two places at once. Choices will always have to be made and jealousy is a very damaging thing. If you carry on like this you will fracture the relationship. A baby is surely a joy every day, not just when you see them or on particular ones such as fathers’ day - which after all is your son’s day, not yours, and not a milestone in baby’s life. Milestones are things like a first smile, tooth, starting nursery or school - you don’t plan ahead for the first two do you?

I have just spotted the heading of your post NewNana2
Help and support please
It's good that you recognise that you need help.
I think most grandparents would say "be your very "best self" for your son and his family.
Nurture the relationships with your son and his wife first and the relationship with the little one will naturally follow.
Try to think only "good" thoughts for and about them and your love will shine through. After all, who wants to spend time with someone who is never satisfied and who demands more than you can give.

Relax, practice finding and saying positive things about the other grandparents. How lovely for your son's little one to have two lots of love to support and cherish them in life.

Good luck in this new (I think) role.

First indication is that we’re undermined and second rate compared to wife’s family with plans in place to spend every baby milestone with their family.

What is undermining in the way your son is behaving with you and what makes you believe you are second-rate?

Is it the "plans" to spend time in France - or is there more to it than holidays abroad with your daughter-in-law's family?

I'm not sure how they have "planned" every milestone to be away... and I also wonder and how you know this?

Is this a new baby maybe?
Where does your son and family usually live? Surely you will be able to see the "milestones" too. Or maybe you are assuming they will move to France?

There are a lot of "milestones" in the growth of a little one. First smiles, walking, talking, starting nursery/school, learning to read... these are actual milestones.
Father's Day really isn't a "milestone" I feel.

Please please try to find something positive in your relationship with your son and his family for your own sanity. As someone else said earlier, grandparenting is not a competition.
Please relax a bit or this jealousy will make you ill.

If this is a new grandchild, congratulations.

Thank you for your replies. I appreciate there’s a natural tendency for daughters to turn to their own mums for support. I pray things even out and both sides spend quality time with the precious baby.

Is it only your son's in-laws who live in France? Does that mean your DiL lives here most of the year? In which case just imagine how jealous they are of you?

It sounds a bit one-sided the way you describe it though.

It would be nice to think that ‘every baby milestone’ turns out to be shared out more, looking to the future.

The baby is a grandchild for both daughter and son’s parents.

You aren’t ‘undermined’ he lives in France and you don’t.

You can’t expect him to come over to you on every significant day, I’m assuming he works and he has a child, so he can’t just drop everything and come to you for a day.

It isn’t a contest with his in laws, enjoy them all when you do see them.

It was your son's fathers day - he for sure had a choice in picking how he wanted to celebrate it

Your son is making his own decisions, not just the ones you would like him to make

A new mother will look to her own parents first for support and guidance?
In time your new grandchild will develop and form relationships with relatives and the quality of your time together is important. Not who spends time together on Father’s Day but who can help nurture a very special little person.

You sound hostile to your daughter in law? Hope you can have a rethink.

I am sorry you are annoyed NewNana but they, your DS and his family, can't be in both countries at once so it would seem logical to be with the mum's.

I don't know why you feel undermined.
Fathers day was never a "thing" in the UK until fairly recently. It's a US import.
Try to be content with your own relationship with this new family and don't build up grudges is my advice.