Help and support please

I am sorry you are annoyed NewNana but they, your DS and his family, can't be in both countries at once so it would seem logical to be with the mum's.

I don't know why you feel undermined.
Fathers day was never a "thing" in the UK until fairly recently. It's a US import.
Try to be content with your own relationship with this new family and don't build up grudges is my advice.

A new mother will look to her own parents first for support and guidance?
In time your new grandchild will develop and form relationships with relatives and the quality of your time together is important. Not who spends time together on Father’s Day but who can help nurture a very special little person.

You sound hostile to your daughter in law? Hope you can have a rethink.

It was your son's fathers day - he for sure had a choice in picking how he wanted to celebrate it

Your son is making his own decisions, not just the ones you would like him to make

You aren’t ‘undermined’ he lives in France and you don’t.

You can’t expect him to come over to you on every significant day, I’m assuming he works and he has a child, so he can’t just drop everything and come to you for a day.

It isn’t a contest with his in laws, enjoy them all when you do see them.

It sounds a bit one-sided the way you describe it though.

It would be nice to think that ‘every baby milestone’ turns out to be shared out more, looking to the future.

The baby is a grandchild for both daughter and son’s parents.

Is it only your son's in-laws who live in France? Does that mean your DiL lives here most of the year? In which case just imagine how jealous they are of you?

Thank you for your replies. I appreciate there’s a natural tendency for daughters to turn to their own mums for support. I pray things even out and both sides spend quality time with the precious baby.

First indication is that we’re undermined and second rate compared to wife’s family with plans in place to spend every baby milestone with their family.

What is undermining in the way your son is behaving with you and what makes you believe you are second-rate?

Is it the "plans" to spend time in France - or is there more to it than holidays abroad with your daughter-in-law's family?

I'm not sure how they have "planned" every milestone to be away... and I also wonder and how you know this?

Is this a new baby maybe?
Where does your son and family usually live? Surely you will be able to see the "milestones" too. Or maybe you are assuming they will move to France?

There are a lot of "milestones" in the growth of a little one. First smiles, walking, talking, starting nursery/school, learning to read... these are actual milestones.
Father's Day really isn't a "milestone" I feel.

Please please try to find something positive in your relationship with your son and his family for your own sanity. As someone else said earlier, grandparenting is not a competition.
Please relax a bit or this jealousy will make you ill.

If this is a new grandchild, congratulations.

I have just spotted the heading of your post NewNana2
Help and support please
It's good that you recognise that you need help.
I think most grandparents would say "be your very "best self" for your son and his family.
Nurture the relationships with your son and his wife first and the relationship with the little one will naturally follow.
Try to think only "good" thoughts for and about them and your love will shine through. After all, who wants to spend time with someone who is never satisfied and who demands more than you can give.

Relax, practice finding and saying positive things about the other grandparents. How lovely for your son's little one to have two lots of love to support and cherish them in life.

Good luck in this new (I think) role.

It’s perfectly natural for a woman to gravitate towards her own family when she has a baby. You are not being undermined. They can’t be in two places at once. Choices will always have to be made and jealousy is a very damaging thing. If you carry on like this you will fracture the relationship. A baby is surely a joy every day, not just when you see them or on particular ones such as fathers’ day - which after all is your son’s day, not yours, and not a milestone in baby’s life. Milestones are things like a first smile, tooth, starting nursery or school - you don’t plan ahead for the first two do you?

NewNana when you say that you are being ‘ undermined and second rate’, what do you mean?

Is there more to this than that your son spent Fathers Day with his wife’s side of the family? If not, whilst I do understand pangs of jealousy (before anyone jumps on me, people can’t help what they feel, just how they act on their feelings), I think you need to be realistic. They will see more of the grandparents who like nearby, but you can still be part of their lives if you phone regularly, maybe have Zoom or Skype calls when the baby is old enough, and cultivate a good relationship with your DIL in her own right.

If you are really being undermined that is different, but it’s difficult to tell from your post.

Does your son live in France or the UK? From the sound of your post, they spend time in France with your DIL's family but don't live there. If this is the case, then why not have a small celebration in the UK for what they do in France either before or after their visit? I always gravitated towards my mother when my children were small because I knew her ways and her guidance was invaluable. My mother in law on the other hand had different and unknown ways to me. From what I see of other families this son/daughter/grandchildren dynamic has many pitfalls and it is up to the older generation to facilitate. We have had our time, now it is theirs and they will work with you if you work with them.

Grammaretto

I am sorry you are annoyed NewNana but they, your DS and his family, can't be in both countries at once so it would seem logical to be with the mum's.

I don't know why you feel undermined.
Fathers day was never a "thing" in the UK until fairly recently. It's a US import.
Try to be content with your own relationship with this new family and don't build up grudges is my advice.

Hmmmm, why is it logical to be with mum's family?

If one is supporting the notion of Father's Day, wouldn't that imply the father having "his" day? Why couldn't he choose to spend "his" day with his Dad and mum?

Where do son and dil live? UK, France, or?

From your post, I can't really see any evidence of you being "undermined". Firstly, your Son and his family live in France, so it's only natural that they will have more contact with the in-laws who also live there. Secondly, it's quite normal for a new Mother to gravitate towards her own Mum for support and advice. Daughters also seem to work that bit harder than Sons when it comes to maintaining family relationships. That's certainly my experience, although naturally it does vary. I would suggest that you try to focus on the positives of having a new Grandchild. To maintain your present frame of mind as regards "undermined and second rate" could be damaging for all concerned.

If that was baby's first Father's day, the baby is less than a year old and hasn't had a first birthday yet, so it is hardly "every milestone" that has been celebrated with the other grandparents - and why are you saying that there are "plans in place" to spend them all in France?

If baby and his parents are in the UK, the chances are that most of the milestones will be here. Once they find out what a kerfuffle it is taking baby and all the gear away there will be a strong temptation to stay put.

Concentrate on building a good relationship with daughter-in-law and baby, by whatever means you can, and avoid any criticism or and whinging "it isn't fair" or you could cause what you fear. They will be far more willing to include a cheerful happy granny in their plans than one who resents the time they spend with "the other ones". The secret of keeping your family close is to know when to let go.

Thank you everyone I do appreciate your thoughts. I have taken your suggestions on board. Son and family live in UK. Son is thoughtful and a beautiful man with a loving wife. This is the first baby for decades for us but not for the in-laws. When I had my son, I tried to include both my mum and MiL in his upbringing and life. Not saying it was perfect but I tried. If they bought him things we made sure he wore the clothes or played with the toys. It does hurt when things we buy or give don’t see the light of day whereas the smallest of gifts from in-laws is given pride of place. One of the above comments resonated- your own mum’s ways are familiar whereas MiL’s ways are not. I think this is true. I also remember when I used to go to my mum’s house I felt completely comfortable and totally looked after. I’m trying hard to be emotionally literate and understand why things happen without damaging relationships.

It is difficult I understand that, but your DIL will naturally gravitate to her own Mum! Her parents are in France and you are in the UK so will have lots of opportunities at other times to be with your GC - ultimately you will have more contact with you GC than the GPs who are in France . Of course that depends on how you manage the situation now! If you alienate your our DIL by showing how you feel you may end up seeing very little of your son and his family.
I am sure you won't let that happen, but worth remembering that if there were to be bad feeling between you and your DIL to our son will support and side with his wife and quite right too. Please don't take their visit to France personally, wish them a safe and happy trip ! You are in the privileged position of being geographically closer to your son and his family so please enjoy that. Good luck.

So do they live in the UK or France?

If the UK, how often do you see them in the everyday course of things?

Think we need a bit more information.

But as Elegran says showing resentment, even if you are feeling left out, won’t gain you anything.

Oh sorry. Crossed posts with your reply,

I totally understand your point. It’s good to read honest responses. Thank you.

I also remember well visiting my lovely Mum when our children were small. I felt safe ,content and very much ' at home ' Your DIL must miss her parents and gifts they send for their GC will make her feel close to Mum . You sound like a lovely sensible woman so I feel sure you will handle this situation well.
My MIL was lovely but very different from my Mum ! Be happy she has a sound relationship with her parents because that is what makes her a good Mum and loving wife for your son . Enjoy your GC . 💐

Given I only have daughters, no sons, I'm still not believing the processes behind "there’s a natural tendency for daughters to turn to their own mums for support" are fair to both new parents.

I tend to believe both new parents need support.

Good dads are tired and frazzled as well as mums, they may need the support of their parents - only mum needing support seems quite unfair.

Do we only worry over mum and her feelings? Is there ever equality?

Norah that’s a very good point and you are right. New dads need support too. It’s even more difficult when a new mum is suffering from post natal depression. Can be very hard at times.

They live here so I assume you get to see them more than your daughter in laws family does, it makes sense that they would go to France for a visit when it is an event.

You say that the things you give do not see the light of day, unless you are seeing them everyday you would not know when things are worn or used.

Complaining about things that you give and stating you are generous are not a good look.