Help and support please

When your son married his wife, she didn’t agree to ‘join’ your family and he did not agree to ‘join’ hers; they agreed to create a new, nuclear family together. Unfortunately this is proving difficult for you as your son has now ‘flown the nest’

They do say a son is a son til he takes him a wife, a daughter is a daughter for all of her life.

When sons grow up, they will often distance themselves from their parents and take their place as head of their own family.

Daughters radiate towards their own mothers, especially after having a child, as your mother is normally your most trusted person in the world and you have a lifetime of love, nurturing and experiences with her so it makes sense that a daughter will go to her when navigating motherhood herself.

Unfortunately you cannot dictate how their nuclear family chooses to spend any holidays, nor have any say in who they spend their holidays with.

The most you can do is extend an invitation to them OR say that if they are available for any holidays then you would go and visit (but don’t be visibly annoyed or dismissive if they say no) but they have their own family now and you need to just respect that.

I think there is a huge amount lost in OP's situation in the translation. If OP is 'very English' and daughter in law is French there will be some linguistic misunderstandings. I know this because my cousin was married to a French lady and when she spoke English she was very forthright and could upset 'her very English' in laws who would think but not say what she vocalised. Perhaps have a conversation with son about the 'right' words as he is most likely bi-lingual.

It's your son's first father's day?

I'd have thought the idea of being on holiday for father's day very appealing to him!

Don't sit and compare... be involved, make plans, send invites and be supportive

New parents especially will go where the least stress is

NotSpaghetti

My mother sent me British-style babygrows when we lived in America (baby no.2). The American ones at that time were generally full of polyester.

I used to send my daughter dresses etc from M &S for my granddaughter when she lived in America NotSpaghetti their casual clothing was excellent but not so much the more formal things. This was over 30 years ago now though.

Umm I think I’m right in saying it was Fathets Day in France too.

More than one Dad/Grandad in the family, you know.

Norah

Theexwife

They live here so I assume you get to see them more than your daughter in laws family does, it makes sense that they would go to France for a visit when it is an event.

You say that the things you give do not see the light of day, unless you are seeing them everyday you would not know when things are worn or used.

Complaining about things that you give and stating you are generous are not a good look.

Why? Isn't dad involved in father's day events as well?

Perhaps he deserves Father's Day with his family?

I should have read the whole thread before I posted; I said the same as Norah
It was, presumably, the new Grandad's Father's Day too 🙂

I agree with most of what has been posted. It's not a competition who spends most time with whom, it's often down to location. Try to be generous with your love.

However, if NewNana's DH is the father of her son, then it was his Father's Day too so I hope he at least received a card and/or phone call 🙂

Op

Your son and dil are not you and your dh when you had kids - they will not do the same things you did, they will find their own way

Please drop that expectation because it is only hurting you

My mother sent me British-style babygrows when we lived in America (baby no.2). The American ones at that time were generally full of polyester.

I had a collection of nylon romper suits for my boys.

Oh yes! - surely other grans remember being given pink frilly sets with lacy pants for their baby girls when all you wanted was a lime-green/purple/orange stripey baby grows!

Re the gifts: is it possible that the things from her family, especially clothes and toys, are -well- French looking. Which is more to her taste than British looking, if you see what I mean.

We all had outfits given to our babies that were our favourites and others that just weren’t our first choice.

NewNana2

I totally understand your point. It’s good to read honest responses. Thank you.

If you are new to GN you may not realise that a lot of people don't read RTFT (read the flipping thread) and post the same opinion as others without realising that you have already said that you have taken things on board. It's not personal, although it can seem like a concerted attack .

Theexwife

They live here so I assume you get to see them more than your daughter in laws family does, it makes sense that they would go to France for a visit when it is an event.

You say that the things you give do not see the light of day, unless you are seeing them everyday you would not know when things are worn or used.

Complaining about things that you give and stating you are generous are not a good look.

Why? Isn't dad involved in father's day events as well?

Perhaps he deserves Father's Day with his family?

They live here so I assume you get to see them more than your daughter in laws family does, it makes sense that they would go to France for a visit when it is an event.

You say that the things you give do not see the light of day, unless you are seeing them everyday you would not know when things are worn or used.

Complaining about things that you give and stating you are generous are not a good look.

Norah that’s a very good point and you are right. New dads need support too. It’s even more difficult when a new mum is suffering from post natal depression. Can be very hard at times.

Given I only have daughters, no sons, I'm still not believing the processes behind "there’s a natural tendency for daughters to turn to their own mums for support" are fair to both new parents.

I tend to believe both new parents need support.

Good dads are tired and frazzled as well as mums, they may need the support of their parents - only mum needing support seems quite unfair.

Do we only worry over mum and her feelings? Is there ever equality?

I also remember well visiting my lovely Mum when our children were small. I felt safe ,content and very much ' at home ' Your DIL must miss her parents and gifts they send for their GC will make her feel close to Mum . You sound like a lovely sensible woman so I feel sure you will handle this situation well.
My MIL was lovely but very different from my Mum ! Be happy she has a sound relationship with her parents because that is what makes her a good Mum and loving wife for your son . Enjoy your GC . 💐

I totally understand your point. It’s good to read honest responses. Thank you.

Oh sorry. Crossed posts with your reply,

So do they live in the UK or France?

If the UK, how often do you see them in the everyday course of things?

Think we need a bit more information.

But as Elegran says showing resentment, even if you are feeling left out, won’t gain you anything.

It is difficult I understand that, but your DIL will naturally gravitate to her own Mum! Her parents are in France and you are in the UK so will have lots of opportunities at other times to be with your GC - ultimately you will have more contact with you GC than the GPs who are in France . Of course that depends on how you manage the situation now! If you alienate your our DIL by showing how you feel you may end up seeing very little of your son and his family.
I am sure you won't let that happen, but worth remembering that if there were to be bad feeling between you and your DIL to our son will support and side with his wife and quite right too. Please don't take their visit to France personally, wish them a safe and happy trip ! You are in the privileged position of being geographically closer to your son and his family so please enjoy that. Good luck.

Thank you everyone I do appreciate your thoughts. I have taken your suggestions on board. Son and family live in UK. Son is thoughtful and a beautiful man with a loving wife. This is the first baby for decades for us but not for the in-laws. When I had my son, I tried to include both my mum and MiL in his upbringing and life. Not saying it was perfect but I tried. If they bought him things we made sure he wore the clothes or played with the toys. It does hurt when things we buy or give don’t see the light of day whereas the smallest of gifts from in-laws is given pride of place. One of the above comments resonated- your own mum’s ways are familiar whereas MiL’s ways are not. I think this is true. I also remember when I used to go to my mum’s house I felt completely comfortable and totally looked after. I’m trying hard to be emotionally literate and understand why things happen without damaging relationships.

If that was baby's first Father's day, the baby is less than a year old and hasn't had a first birthday yet, so it is hardly "every milestone" that has been celebrated with the other grandparents - and why are you saying that there are "plans in place" to spend them all in France?

If baby and his parents are in the UK, the chances are that most of the milestones will be here. Once they find out what a kerfuffle it is taking baby and all the gear away there will be a strong temptation to stay put.

Concentrate on building a good relationship with daughter-in-law and baby, by whatever means you can, and avoid any criticism or and whinging "it isn't fair" or you could cause what you fear. They will be far more willing to include a cheerful happy granny in their plans than one who resents the time they spend with "the other ones". The secret of keeping your family close is to know when to let go.

From your post, I can't really see any evidence of you being "undermined". Firstly, your Son and his family live in France, so it's only natural that they will have more contact with the in-laws who also live there. Secondly, it's quite normal for a new Mother to gravitate towards her own Mum for support and advice. Daughters also seem to work that bit harder than Sons when it comes to maintaining family relationships. That's certainly my experience, although naturally it does vary. I would suggest that you try to focus on the positives of having a new Grandchild. To maintain your present frame of mind as regards "undermined and second rate" could be damaging for all concerned.