“You’re here to help not to have cuddles”

Also imagine having a child free afternoon with your husband.
Most afternoons are child free when they've all left home.

I sometimes think I've wandered on to Mumsnet by mistake.

If it's our child and family who pop in, or a friend or DIL's Mum or family then -
What we do is put the kettle on.

Summerlove

You do show up unannounced ? And others do it to you?

What if you had plans? Or we’re watching a movie?

I don’t get it.

Watching a movie 😂😂😂

Plans well, if we were going off out they'd just moosey on their way.
After they'd had a comfort break 😂

My family is far more important than any movie, or films as we call them here. A film can wait or they might want to watch it with us.

I hope the OP will come back and hopefully explain about the ‘wrong words’
I also hope her son will treat her with love and respect.

There are lots of different ways to be a good parent

There are also lots of different ways to be a bad one

Estrangement is not a new thing because toxic people are not a new thing. Sadly toxic people have no idea they are toxic and will never understand what went wrong

So threads like these matter because those who can listen to other points of view and realise that respecting difference is key, can improve their relationships

NewNana2 as you see, we all have different stories to tell, I hope things get easier for you as time goes on and you’ll be a big part of your new baby’s life in future.You can’t live life tiptoeing around tho, scared to say a wrong word.Just be yourself and show your son and DIL that you love them and will help out when you can with baby, but don’t start acting like a servant with them.

And it will for plenty of others.

In my family we do not drop in. That doesn’t mean we can’t call in at short notice, but at least we text or phone beforehand - thank goodness - and we do all make enough time for one another. My dtr’s partner’s parents (who are lovely) think nothing of turning up without warning. My dtr works from home but they have interpreted this as meaning ‘always available’. When she explains that she is actually, genuinely working and can’t spare time to entertain them they are a little offended, but seem to never learn. To me that a respect thing. Generally though everyone is different so do what makes you and yours happy.

If it works for you March then stick with it.

My inlaws and my Mom live about 10-15 minutes from us.

They'll always drop a text to make sure it's convenient to 'pop in' which is respectful as a family of 5? Especially with added in meetings, phonecalls and assessments currently.

Planned visits are once a week so anything else is 'is it OK to pop in'.

Also imagine having a child free afternoon with your husband.
Nothing on.
No work or overtime.
No phonecalls
and your mom or MIL knocking at the door.

Callistemon21

^“You’re here to help not to have cuddles”^
😯

"Where's my coat"?

Quite! 👍🏻

Yeah exactly VioletSky we both do things very differently.

aonk

It sounds to me as if it has to be the new parents’ way or the highway! That’s the choice.

If you go on different forums aonk you’ll see loads of sad posts from Grans who can’t do anything right in the eyes of their own adult kids or DIL.They creep around on eggshells terrified they’ll be cut out of grandkids lives for daring to venture an opinion or giving a child a biscuit, and of course the even sadder estrangement threads.Where did all this crapola come from? Self help gurus?

Oreo

Hasn’t happened yet.
I realise you have a different vibe going VioletSky and that’s your business.
I wouldn't pop in unannounced to a friends house btw but our family see nothing wrong in coming and going freely.😃

Exactly, I do things differently

My children do things differently

We are close because we respect those differences

If I were to have expectations and decide if they weren't met, we weren't a close family, I'd only be hurting myself

Some prickly defensive comments here.
Washing hair? Just got back from school?😂
Most of those activities wouldn’t matter to my DD’s and of course if they were out then I’d just come home, no biggie.
I live close to all my family which is why we all come and go.
Thankfully none of us ‘would regard it as courteous to schedule visits’. Have already said everyone’s different but there will be many like my family too, happily bound up in each others lives.
Can’t be done if you live many miles away of course.

It sounds to me as if it has to be the new parents’ way or the highway! That’s the choice.

Exactly march

Some families love each other VioletSky and don’t feel they need to make diary appointments when they want to see each other.It’s called being a close family.

What if you're in the bath.
Bathing multiple kids.
Just got back from school.
After school clubs.
Not at home.
Doing a food shop.
Just started cooking tea.
Homework.
Meetings.
Having a nap.
Just got the baby for a nap.
Planned to have a friend/aunt/cousin pop in.
Got the health visitor.
Docs appointment.
Phone meeting.
Gone for a swim or walk.
Washing my hair.

It's not about a loving family, it's about making sure they aren't busy and showing respect.

Oreo

Some families love each other VioletSky and don’t feel they need to make diary appointments when they want to see each other.It’s called being a close family.

Oreo The two things are not mutually exclusive.

We all have busy lives and regard it as courteous to schedule visits, or at least to phone ahead to check a 'drop in- would be convenient.

NewNana2 The first part of Urmstongran's advice is exactly what a health visitor advised many new grans around here. A brief, helpful visit armed with a meal to pop into the microwave is well-worthwhile, and both parents need to be told that they are doing a great job.

Hasn’t happened yet.
I realise you have a different vibe going VioletSky and that’s your business.
I wouldn't pop in unannounced to a friends house btw but our family see nothing wrong in coming and going freely.😃

Not all close families work the same way and neither do all people

If you measure closeness by your ability to pop in whenever you feel like it, you may one day disappoint yourself when you come across someone who would rather you made an arrangement

Because that person would see you respecting the fact that they prefer notice as "closeness". And you would end up spoiling a perfectly good relationship

I realise not everyone is lucky enough to have this sort of relationship, they make appointments as if for the dentist, or are only allowed to see the grandchildren every six months, walk on eggshells in case they upset somebody and go home and cry after visits to adult kids ( have heard enough of these stories on forums it’s sad beyond belief.) But it’s not like that for everyone.

Some families love each other VioletSky and don’t feel they need to make diary appointments when they want to see each other.It’s called being a close family.

Or they are too polite to say anything

VioletSky

Don't turn up at my house unannounced

Unless you are dropping off chocolate and don't want to come in

Don’t worry, I sure won’t, but one of your family may do one day, would you hide behind the sofa or what?

Summerlove

You do show up unannounced ? And others do it to you?

What if you had plans? Or we’re watching a movie?

I don’t get it.

Some of us have good relationships with our adult kids and amazingly we can pop in to see them anytime and they do the same with us. Shocking ain’t it?😁
It’s called dropping in for a cuppa.