“You’re here to help not to have cuddles”

Have you met the baby yet?
It sounds rude to me. Are you his mother?
I wouldn't like being spoken to like that and would say so.

You've started a 2nd thread by accident perhaps?

This does sound a bit ott, but they will be exhausted and stressed out of their minds. Not to mention dil will have huge amounts of hormones etc telling her to keep anything that feels remotely threating away. If you have not had a close relationship previously or have been perceived as unsupportive/judgmental/dismissive/demanding/anything like that, she might be feeling a very powerful instinct to keep you at arms length. Your son might be trying to head off a diplomatic incident while hormones are high and sleep quality is low, knowing that in a couple weeks everyone will be feeling more like themselves again? My advice would be to just trust him and go with it. Be helpful and supportive, offer to make your own cups of tea when you're there, prioritise mum and baby - it's their time right now.

Please do not fall into the trap of 'I have never been/felt/acted like any of the above so therefore I will stubbornly bulldoze on through whatever this is'. Sometimes people percieve things differently to how you've meant them. That doesn't take them horrible people, just mistaken. The thing is you won't change that perception by getting in a snit about it, the better way to correct this is to demonstrate the sort of person you actually are in your actions. So demonstrate your respect for the new parents, help them etc.

I hope you and your grandchild have a lovely bond, in good time.

Also what are these correct words?

Herefornow

You've started a 2nd thread by accident perhaps?

This does sound a bit ott, but they will be exhausted and stressed out of their minds. Not to mention dil will have huge amounts of hormones etc telling her to keep anything that feels remotely threating away. If you have not had a close relationship previously or have been perceived as unsupportive/judgmental/dismissive/demanding/anything like that, she might be feeling a very powerful instinct to keep you at arms length. Your son might be trying to head off a diplomatic incident while hormones are high and sleep quality is low, knowing that in a couple weeks everyone will be feeling more like themselves again? My advice would be to just trust him and go with it. Be helpful and supportive, offer to make your own cups of tea when you're there, prioritise mum and baby - it's their time right now.

Please do not fall into the trap of 'I have never been/felt/acted like any of the above so therefore I will stubbornly bulldoze on through whatever this is'. Sometimes people percieve things differently to how you've meant them. That doesn't take them horrible people, just mistaken. The thing is you won't change that perception by getting in a snit about it, the better way to correct this is to demonstrate the sort of person you actually are in your actions. So demonstrate your respect for the new parents, help them etc.

I hope you and your grandchild have a lovely bond, in good time.

I think there is a lot for any of us to think about in this post.

Walk softly OP

Good luck

As some on here will know, I am blunt since birth, refuse or cannot change .....do not get invited/ welcomed often

Strange thing to say to ones mum. Need to know more.

Yes, we need to know more, please, as in what is correct language? I am sorry but I am getting a sense of modern parenting coming to the fore and not just good old fashioned family ties where people rubbed along together. Is your new daughter in law very nervous? What is she like with her own mother? Was you son always like this? Or, sorry to ask, but are you full of ideas as to what should be done and they want clear parenting themselves? Whatever, I would furious at being spoken to like that. But then again I am an old witch.

We do not know the full story here but grandparents have to tread carefully these days. The new parents are getting to grips with parenthood. Just try to be as supportive as you can and accept how they want to bring up baby. Offer to help - take a meal/cake and see how the land lies.

One of the biggest and most common complaints I’ve heard from new moms is that visitors pounced on the new baby, and their only goal was to sit and cuddle the new baby.

Thing is, that’s often the last thing a new parent wants or needs, someone taking the baby from them. They often need help: a meal, errands run, some laundry. One particular situation I know of, grandma breezed in, took baby from Mom’s arms, and told her to go get dinner started! The woman was just home from a C-section, for crying out loud!

An extreme example, but it happens.

If you take the view of going to help, and any baby moments are a bonus, it’ll probably help. After all, baby and mom aren’t on a schedule in the early days, they may both sleep through your visit, no way of predicting it.

Think back to when your own babies were small. What helped were the people who arrived with food, did the washing up, ask ed if they could do anything to help and didn’t overstay their welcome. What didn’t help were guests who just wanted to hold the baby and expected to be served food and drinks.

Yes, going back, I remember a lady from our church ripping the cover off my pram and going coochy coo to my new baby who started screaming! On the other hand my cousin invited us around to see her new baby and on us entering the house told us not to expect anything from her. Why invite us? I wasn't really interested in the first place!

Make sure you use the right words for heavens sake what the heck are right words ?
She hasn’t been told not to pick it up, not to cuddle it, not to breathe on it, not to kiss it. but to use the right words

Thank goodness my kids are all sane and normal and I acted the same way towards my grandkids as my mum and dad acted to mine and how I brought up my own kids
My cuddles were never rationed and I still have a wonderful relationship with all 7 just got off the phone from, my second one who is travelling and rang me from the Far East the wonders of messenger she was a screamer as a baby so her mum was always happy when I was there to cuddle and walk her around for ages

Whoops sorry yes reading it again she has been warned about cuddles I was so gob smacked about the use the right words missed that but ohh for a edit button SIGH

It think I would have laughed at that comment, thinking he was joking!
FGS!
You do have to be careful with Daughters in law though. I have never offered any advice to mine , never been asked for it. Just be there if needed, never criticise and always take their side.
If you are offered a cuddle, take it and be grateful.

Just read through your comments. Thank you. Baby is 3 months old and I’ve always tried to do whatever they want me to do with their baby- feed, change nappy, soothe. I clean, cook, walk the dog, make a drink when there and try to be mindful of their needs. I’m very tactile with the baby whereas dil is a new mum and process driven led by what she’s read on internet or seen from own mum. It feels to me that she wants her guidelines to be followed to the letter. No deviation from what she has said. There’s no room for any other suggestions. That’s fine because I don’t want to upset my son who I love dearly.

If your dil is on Mumsnet, she has probably been indoctrinated against mils already. On there, paternal mils seem to be almost unanimously despised and to be completely cut off at the first possible opportunity.
Honestly, it's getting so bad on there that it would be closed down if hatred of any other group of people was being so openly expressed.
What irony that Mumsnet and Gransnet are sister sites!

Tread carefully, OP, very carefully. The fact that you have had this advance warning from your son, while understandably very upsetting, is a good thing in that it at least gives you the chance to totally re-think and alter your expectations of your role as paternal grandmother before permanent damage is done. It sounds like you will be walking on eggshells, so start practicing right now ...

Sorry, I mistakenly thought that you hadn't met the baby yet. Not that that changes much, except it suggests that dil is already further along the road towards low contact or no contact than I first thought,

Just be as nice as pie- then she won’t be able to whinge. Sometimes I am glad I only have daughters ….

You will just have to go along with what your son and DIL want. You are obviously doing all you can to help and I can understand how you feel. Modern parents are so touchy ! Yes I know that hormones are all over the place but really!?

The right words ! That rings a bell with me !
Modern (?) thinking is not to use baby words , but speak clearly and correctly

aggie

The right words ! That rings a bell with me !
Modern (?) thinking is not to use baby words , but speak clearly and correctly

But Aggie he said to use the right words to the DiL.

There speaks a man who’s exhausted, needs help and may well have used the wrong words himself with an exhausted new mum. First time parenthood is a shock - well, it was for me. New roles will start to feel comfortable and all will be well with time.

Your son sounds extremely rude, and as his mother you should tell him so, politely but firmly.
I an tired of hearing about these brand new parents who have no experience at all about bringing up children laying down the law, usually received opinion, so rudely to those who have a lifetime of experience.

Well NewNan2 this all sounds like a frightful bore to me.
To be honest at 3 months, the mum’s hormones should have stabilised a bit surely….all being well.
Unless they have a team of lackies who “use the right words, don’t want physical contact with the baby yet are trustworthy and caring enough to do baby minding….which is unlikely)
….I should imagine that sometime during the next year these “thoroughly modern” parents will be more than glad of someone who actually wants to be there.
Otherwise NewNan I would be sorely tempted to insist they visit you instead, and to make it clear, in as kindly a way as is possible that you are grandma and not the hired help.