Unsure about friends behaviour

Work friends often aren’t friends, she didn’t choose to spend time with you, she’s literally paid to be there with you. Stop confiding because you are setting yourself up for a lot of conflict

Maybe she isn't stirring, maybe she is checking in on someone to see if the feeling is mutual by general chit chat and not breaking a confidence. You haven't mentioned whether your friend actually comes back to you with anything the other party has said that might indicate why there's animosity. Having said all that, I'd back off telling her anything about colleagues or, for that matter, anything personal as you should trust your gut feeling that she does not have your best interests at heart.

Of course she will check in with the third parties - to tell them that he knows what happened, and maybe mention you while she's at it, too. That way, she will be checking on you, getting both sides of the story, to see whether you have lied or at least exaggerated things. The fact that she appears to agree with you is neither here nor there - she does that so you feel at ease. She is a viper. Do not trust her.

Great advice on here, which I hope will help you. May I ask, how did you find out what she was up to?

There's a very fine line between talking about work colleagues without their knowledge "because you're concerned about them", and gossiping about them behind their backs. What you can rely on is that if someone gossips with you, they will almost certainly gossip about you too. I've usually found that people who are happy about their lives seldom talk about others in any negative way, and tend to concentrate on the positives they see in their friends and colleagues. We know that we're all flawed anyway, so why focus on that when we interact? I'd much rather walk quietly away from shallow conversations that may end up hurting others. "Zip it" in the circumstances you have described really is good advice.

Woo33

Thanks for your reply but truly, she isn’t! She often agrees with me!

Yes, she often agrees with you to your face but...........!
From experience, it doesn't matter how friendly and kind any work colleagues are, or how much they promise integrity. and. discretion, there will always be that one who takes great delight in repeating everything you have off-loaded and discussed in private.

Stay superficially friendly but never confide anything to her again. She is enjoying being a pot-stirrer, dont enable her.

your gut instinct. Stop the confiding. She will bad mouth you if she has the ammunition. No need to fall out with her but just think before you speak. Keep things to yourself that you would not want repeating.

Work place friendships can be very superficial. You are thrown together with a bunch of people you would probably never choose as friends but as you’re stuck with them all day everyday sometimes for years you do your best to try and get on. Sometimes this can lead to you letting your guard down and telling them too much.

It is possible to make genuine long lasting friendships at work but it’s always wise to tread carefully and watch what you tell certain people as you can’t trust everyone no matter how friendly they may seem to your face.

I agree with everyone on GN. Don't confide in a colleague about another colleague, just walk away from the difficult person and don't let it affect you. Do your job the best you can, don't gossip or get involved with anyone and UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES SHOULD YOU TALK TO ONE COLLEAGUE ABOUT ANOTHER ONE.

I worked with someone like her. I took to just answering “Do you think so?” when she tried to start up conversations about others. She soon got bored with me.

Even though the staff knew her reputation some would still confide very intimate private details to her. Perhaps she should have been an interrogator!

Trust your intuition and consider keeping your own counsel.

People love to gossip and there’s always a town-cryer to help spread the news to others. Pretty soon everyone knows your business. This often causes very a negative work place for everyone. It’s called triangulation. It breaks down the morale of the staff.

You’ll find that once you stop confiding in her she may turn against you. So unfortunate. Offices are filled with people like this.

Agree wellbeck!

I would stop talking to her about co-workers and other people you both might know. You'll soon enough experience if she values you for who you are (then nothing will change in her behaviour) or if she hangs on to you specifically to hear all these titbits - then she will distance herself from you and look out for another person who can provide her with ins&outs of the office.

My Mum taught me to not gossip and not to listen to it either. I hate gossip and will have nothing to do with anyone who gossips

Lemongrass, don't let anyone torment you.
if she is the same level as you, what are you scared of, what can she do. tell her to f**K off.
say, it's your turn to do that.
maybe you come across as too nice, a pushover.
well, be the worm that turned.
that'll learn em !

Keep her at arms length. Some people feel a sense of power when they can liaise with two opposing sides. I would keep all opinions to yourself and just talk about general things.

It's not been an issue over the past 'many years' so what's changed? Is she behaving differently or have you suddenly become aware of how she operates? I'd say a bit less perhaps but as you have seen her as a good friend for so long, unless she's changed suddenly, I'd not rock the boat. Perhaps you have become more self aware recently. X

ive always found to my cost that people who call people call you also. Keep your friends close ,but your enemies closer i find good advice.

I don't see work colleagues the same as personal friends because work colleagues all have to get on and work together in some capacity.

A phrase which comes to mind is 'Run with the horse and hunt with the hounds'. Lots of people do this, intentionally or not, so at the end of the day I feel it's best to base work friendships on something other than talking about other colleagues, no matter how good or bad they are.

You can be certain that if you gossip about someone else, there is an extremely high chance someone else will be gossiping about you too.

I feel it's best to stay quiet and keep your feelings about work colleagues to yourself and instead discuss more general stuff with work friends. That's what they are - friends at work - so best to keep personal stuff zipped up.

Be careful what you share at work and with whom. I have this colleague who constantly picked on me at every opportunity, any work that needed doing she will avoid but ensured I get the job done instead !

I have had enough one day and confided to another colleague whom I viewed as wise and nice .

Unknown to me at the time, the one I confided was best friends with the one who was tormenting me….

My tormentor did backed off for a while but has now resumed her nonsense … so lesson learned…

You've just described a former colleague/friend of mine. Eventually she left and I realised what a stirrer she had been. If you need a confidant let it be your DH or non-work based colleague.

I have a team manager that has a very loose tongue in that she will tell me what other team members have said to her so I know she must do the same about me. It is quite unnerving especially as she is a manager and that what you may tell her in confidence could be passed to others.

nope. You may have thought you were close friends, in fact you have been being gossip fodder