Manipulative sister

She’s hurting and pushing boundaries , it’s hard to help her when she keeps pushing you away , it’s hard for you to keep getting pushed
I have no answers but my sympathy xxx

Listen to your husband and children, sometimes other family members can see clearer what is going on.

Visit and be supportive, don’t give advice unless she asks and don’t offer to do anything that you aren’t comfortable with.

If she asks you to do something that you don’t want to do just say that you are sorry but you can’t do it. There is no need for you to explain why.

I’m sure she is worried and scared and her way of dealing with it is to not go to dialysis and making excuses why she can’t/won’t go, even though it’s keeping her alive.
Not sure how you can help her with that one as I’m sure it isn’t a pleasant experience but an essential one.

You already know you are being manipulated into doing a lot for your sister and no thanks

Threatening to deny treatment unless you bring her to appointments is a disgusting thing to do.

I think you need to withdraw that support. It sounds like you are ready.

If she deliberately harms herself by refusing treatment that is her responsibility as a grown adult

Re the dialysis - could she ask for a dialysis machine at home? My friend was offered one but didn't have room but she did have hospital transport to and from the renal unit each day.

No, you aren't her carer, being supportive doesn't mean you have to be at her beck and call and a drudge.
Is she entitled to more benefits so that she can pay for a cleaner?

Your husband's right I'm afraid, you are being manipulated and as your children say, you are not her carer.

It's her choice as to whether or not she goes for dialysis and with her disability allowance, she should be able to afford a taxi.
If she's feeling ill because she didn't go, that's on her not you.

Could you tell her you'll take her to every other appointment and she'll need to get a taxi for the ones in between? That sounds perfectly reasonable to me. I can understand you taking her to be there when a transplant is being discussed for moral support, but you do need to put your foot down and stop her manipulating her.

If she can manage aqua 3 times a week, she can manage a taxi and to clean her own flat.

Take back control. It wont be easy but it is doable.

I appreciate your comments. It helps to know that I'm not being mean spirited. She come for a meal twice a week, and is included in family events. I know I'm really luck to have a lovely family, bit isn't life what you make it? At times it's really hard work !!

The Disability Living Allowance is supposed to help pay for any help eg paying for a cleaner, taxis etc.

You might want to do some groundwork for her and find out about the hospital car service or the non-emergency ambulance transport service.

www.nhs.uk/nhs-services/hospitals/going-into-hospital/how-to-organise-transport-to-and-from-hospital

She gets all the benefits but refuses to use it for taxi. That's hair and clothes money. She's not short of money

The thing is, it doesn’t matter where the boundary is, she will always push against it.

So decide what you are able and prepared to do for her, then accept that she will push, but you don’t give in.

Personally I would go with her to transplant discussions to make dureI knew what was going on, visit her in hospital and bring stuff if she has a transplant and make sure care was arranged for when she came out.

Other than that it would just be sisterly meet ups for a chat like I would do with a sister. You’re not an employee 😬

It’s the constant pushing that I find so wearying with a friend of mine. The thing is when I say no firmly she retreats, but she never learns not to push🙄

I think your husband and children are right, you are being manipulated.

You tactfully don't give details of the estrangement, but my guess has to be is that you got away from a manipulative situation and have managed to marry and have children.

All which she has been unable to do. It's possible there is some envy and entitlement in her - all guessing -directed at you - and her mode of operating is manipulating. Oh and so hard to deal with.

But her recent manipulating is bordering - it seems to me - on threatening "suicide by inaction" unless you fall in with all her wishes. Violet helpfully alludes to that up thread and quite rightly says her life is her own responsibility. More of that in a moment.

Yet she can and does go to aqua etc - a severely depressed person probably couldn't manage that. She buys clothes and so on.

I have both MH qualifications and have been a patient and when people have talked to me I have listened and drawn boundaries.

However the point at which I have not just left it has been when people express suicidalty or self harm.

It has felt too great a responsibility and in these events (depending on circs) I have "shopped" them to either a GP, or if involved, a MH professional.

As you have not said, I imagine she has no MH input atm. The kind of "mind difficulties" and manipulation often are combined with denial of any MH issues. In their mind it is right and normal to behave as they do. Look, this is all supposition

- but in your place I think I would ring her GP as her NoK and tell them anything relation to threats of potential self harm.

I think the suggestions for setting boundaries above are all relevant and necessary, btw, and you are quite right to do them. It depends if you can carry them out without the sort of threats she is now issuing continue or get more marked.

Maybe she wants someone to look after her and care as to whether she goes to appointments, I am not saying that you should just that could be what she wants.

Did your mother need looking after and how long ago did she die? I think that could be relevant.

Very likely Theexwife, whether it will ever be "enough" tho?

Many people at some point wish someone would come along like an ideal mum or dad to "make things all right"

I think that you are aware that you are being manipulated and it's so difficult to stand up to your sister .

I expect that part of you feels very sorry for her medical condition and the other part feels put upon .

My aunt did it to my parents for 30 years :

They moved house for her , furnished and decorated it .
Whilst they worked extremely hard trying to make her happy -she continued to eat entire loaves of bread, cakes , packets of biscuits and boxes of chocolates becoming more and more dangerously obese .
They never stopped trying to help her in every way that they could .
Her house was filthy and her unkempt appearance an embarrassment as she stank .
My mother made enormous efforts to clean her up .
We tried buying her clothes encouraging bathing and giving her perfumes and deodorants .
I shampooed and cut her hair occasionally .

Unknown to them , she never stopped complaining about them to relatives .

To this day , there is a bad feeling and negativity towards my father .

And now , my father in increasingly failing health behaves extremely badly towards me .
I am rarely thanked nor appreciated and when he isn't shouting out commands he's complaining about every single thing .
And he complains about me to any visitor - even in front of me .
Yesterday, his behaviour was so appalling that I read the riot act .

Be strong !

I'm wishing you
lots of luck .

You are not responsible for her health treatments

Decide what how you can support her (not care for her) and enforce it

If she can make an exercise class 3 times a week she can clean her own home-tell her to think of it as exercise!! You are being taken for granted and she is being manipulative and she KNOWS this.
Having been in your situation you will feel better once you learn to say NO.

I’m most probably going to post something unpopular but it sounds like she IS relying on you to be her carer and with this in mind it might be worth you joining a carer support group that is local to you so you can discuss how difficult it is in a non judgemental environment as I think you would find it really helpful. Your frustration is normal

I can see two sides to this. The first is that your sister is on her own and was a companion to your mum. She must still be feeling the loss and it cannot be underestimated the longterm effect a parent's death can have on an offspring. Also, she is now very ill and has to face the world on her own (no partner or mum) with her own mortality. I would imagine she is going through an 'anger' stage as she does not have a future that rolls out before her like a red carpet. On the other hand I can see that as her sister you and your husband would like to make sure that she is safe and getting the best treatment available to give her life quality. You need to distance yourself and get help in from your local social services and I imagine you are not getting any younger and the care of your sister may demand more as time passes. Personally, I would not call it manipulation but the cognitive dissonance of two opposing situations. You both need to get the support to find your way through this difficult situation.

Theexwife

Maybe she wants someone to look after her and care as to whether she goes to appointments, I am not saying that you should just that could be what she wants.

Did your mother need looking after and how long ago did she die? I think that could be relevant.

I agree with Theexwife. I wonder if by living and possibly caring for your mother for so many years she feels she is now entitled to some care and support from you or other family? Maybe she finds the dialysis scary and uncomfortable and wants someone with her just to have someome beside her as she is going through each appointment? She might feel life is being unfair to her because she lived with your mum all these years and now she has health problems of her own. Does she have any other friends that could be called on to share the load to travel with her and give her the support she craves?

Nanna56 reading your post made my blood boil. To think you sister is taking up a place that someone disparately needs and would go to every appointment.

My aunt had RA and through it her kidneys stopped working she had dialysis for 10 years 4 times a week for 4 hours. She had a long list of foods she couldn't eat because of the potassium levels. But she took what she called her naughty bag they could eat banned foods for the first hour but not to much. Because of the RA she couldn't have a transplant as the fatty deposits that RA causes to attached to internal organs hence her kidneys didn't work meant a kidney transplant wouldn't work.

My aunt loved life and went out the other days in her wheelchair. When they attached to her lungs and was told she would be on a respirator for the rest of her life. She said can I still go out and they told her because of the size of the machine this was over 25 years ago she would be house bound she said no. Give me end if life care . She died within hours aged 61. But she was glad she had 10 years extra because without the dialysis she would have died at 51.

Sorry but your sister is being very selfish. You have done all you can and look how she has treated you. She's an adult and there is plenty of help from organisations that deal with kidney problems. She is playing the pity poor me card.

Live your life to the full and enjoy the time with your family . You have done enough for your sister.

There must be more to your sister's situation and the reasons she expects help from you, Nanna56.

Does she feel that she was left to care for your mother without help from your mother as you were estranged?
Consequently, does she feel she is in need of some TLC now?

As I said earlier, you can be caring and supportive in many ways without being a dogsbody.
I don't think you could go to the dialysis appointments as they take some hours but you could help her find transport if available, perhaps look into her receiving Attendance Allowance to pay for help?

Typo, should have chrcked

Ignore from your mother

Does she feel that she was left to care for your mother without help from others in the family, as you were estranged?

The NHS have been fantastic and given the costs of dialysis ,transplant it makes me furious that she complains. The waiting lists are horrendous and she's always been seen in good time and treated with compassion. When I went to an appointment I was glad I had as so nany complaints yet they were so kind in my opinion

Feel for you Nanna56 & Esmay

If, as your DH and family appear to believe, you are being manipulated, you need to decide where your boundaries are, and to clearly define these to your Sister. Don't try to overthink this in an attempt to account for your Sister's behaviour. Just focus on what's actually happening, and deal with that. It's your life.