Feeling left out

Allsorts

If you are are mil, speak when you are spoken to, talk about the weather, smile, don't expect invites, do not be upset if you are not included in family occasions etc. Smile. Do not send gifts etc unless cleared by Dil. Best to post gifts because if you not invited you must not just drop in they could be busy. The day they married is the day you are supposed to know your place which is nowhere and smile. Make a new life for yourself. That is what certain people advocate, thank goodness I've got a normal Dil .

Oh bullocks the melodrama! When our children are adults and form their only families , be they sons or daughters we should absolutely know our own place - Which is that if secondary supporting roles. The key to doing that job well is to let the new family play the main parts fully. No matter their gender - follow their lead, respect who they are and their choices even when they aren’t the ones we would make , and never presume that they don’t want what’s best for themselves or their children. And ur roles as supporting characters are lovely and can provide rich details to their lives and ours but try simply aren’t essential. Taking that role after decades as the main characters in our children’s story is a transition for sure but a worthwhile one to do right, lest we find ourselves written out if their story entirely.

I have three daughters in law, and two sons in law. One dil lives some
Distance a way and we get along well enough and see them when travel allows. One lives quite close and is truly my extra daughter, we share several interests and are blessed with a quite close relrsruonahio , and a rhird whom I wouldn’t have chosen myself , were quite different people and yet we get on fine , and have a polite, good natured relationship, in part because I’ve learned to know my role - and to recognize that the important things aren’t my so called “rights” as many here insist they have, or entitlement if any sort but the important part - the only part that matters is that my son adores her, and she him. She’s everything he hoped for ina. Wife and an outstanding mother. So at the end of the day my support role on the outside is my part to play, not nowhere but certainly not in rfheir spotlight r as director.

Although I’ve been a member for a while and post now and then I’ve never started a thread, especially if I’ve got an issue of some sort which I may need help with.

Some (not all) posters on here round up on the OP like a pack of wolves. One in particular can always be depended upon be particularly nasty.

Keyboard warriors who are probably nice as pie in the real world.

Reading some of the posts here on GN, it certainly does seem that way Allsorts.

I agree MercuryQueen and HappyZebra and posted earlier on the thread that he should have told his wife he'd already told his mother. It really shouldn't be a big deal should it, but it seems in this case that it would be.

"I do think though that some comments were unnecessarily abrasive and 'finger wagging' in tone which is why the OP is probably no longer reading!" I agree Dickens.

It should be possible to express opinions regardless of how strongly one feels without alienating the OP.

I think the OP has left the building, It pays to read through all the comments on these types of posts that ask for an opinion - often the author will come back with more information which sometimes puts a different gloss on the original question.

I agree with those who believe that a pregnant woman should have complete ownership of the medical information relating to her pregnancy. I do think though that some comments were unnecessarily abrasive and 'finger-wagging' in tone which is why the OP is possibly no longer reading!

Agreed, HZ.

I had to have surgery and was in the hospital almost a week during a pregnancy. Close friends knew, but none of our families did. Everybody was in another time zone, and having to deal with other people freaking out over what was going on was the extreme LAST thing we needed. I don’t know if Dh ever told his mother about it, actually. She was very prone to hysterics, and it was exhausting to deal with.

I’m not at all close to my mother, and wouldn’t have confided in her at all.
But I know my daughters have resented any ‘interference’ from in-laws, however kindly meant.
It’s a tricky relationship, best to just take things slowly, and never presume.

If you are are mil, speak when you are spoken to, talk about the weather, smile, don't expect invites, do not be upset if you are not included in family occasions etc. Smile. Do not send gifts etc unless cleared by Dil. Best to post gifts because if you not invited you must not just drop in they could be busy. The day they married is the day you are supposed to know your place which is nowhere and smile. Make a new life for yourself. That is what certain people advocate, thank goodness I've got a normal Dil .

I think he should have just told his wife he'd told you already and apologised for jumping the gun. This whole scenario has come about because of a miscommunication between them. It's a little naughty of him to feel the right response is to hide it from his wife and it puts you in a bit of an awkward position as you now have to choose to appease your son and play act with your DIL or accidentally drop your son in it by mentioning something about it at a later date. Though the circumstances in which you and dil might discuss such a thing is quite low by the sounds of it, which is probably why your son told you to keep it shh.

I don't think it's fair to be upset about receiving intimate details - most people share these details with confidants for reassurance for themselves. It's not really about the baby it's about being worried about the delivery and just needing mummy or a friend to say "it'll be okay."

Let's be honest if he'd have replied like my husband would have, "all good, baby healthy." We wouldn't be having this conversation and you'd be content.

Exactly, mq

Smileless2012

He didn't know when he told his mum Sara, which is why he then told her not to let her d.i.l. know that she knew.

And THAT, imo, is completely wrong of him. He should be honest with his wife, tell her that he’d already spoken with his mother, but from now on, he’ll ensure she’s okay with whatever is being shared.

When she finds out (and she will, this stuff has a way of coming out) chances are she’s going to be hurt and furious with both of them. Human nature being what it is, the OP will end up wearing it, because they have to live with each other.

I would have absolutely agreed that the dad had equal say over these types of decisions .... until I had a child myself.

It's the mother who grows the baby from a bunch of cells into a full human being, it's her that suffers all the symptoms of pregnancy. She is the one whose body gets stretched and scarred while that baby grows inside her and feels exhausted and depleted because the baby is taking all the nutrients it needs from her body. She is the one who puts her life on the line to bring that baby into the world then spends the next couple of months bleeding, exhausted and trying to navigate changing hormones while people 'demand' time to come and see the baby she has birthed. Let's face it, she will also likely take the majority of childcare, often still feeding the baby from her own body, and generally be the 'default' parent. And what does dad do? He is a spectator for all this and just has to try to support his wife as best he can.

If she doesn't want to share then she doesn't want to share and that should be respected. If she shares with her own mother, it's because they have a lifetime of memories and trust built together so it's natural that she will go to the woman she most trusts in the world for advice on how to navigate pregnancy. Plus the fact, her mother is most concerned about 'her' baby, in this case DIL.

Cut her some slack, she is not as close to you as her own mother and that is ok, it's not a competition. You will likely find she will want her mother will have more involvement when baby is born as well and that is perfectly ok too. It's hers and baby's recovery period.

If you want to be involved more then be as supportive as you can to her and see what SHE needs as opposed to being only focused on the pregnancy and baby. I would focus more on empathy than how annoyed you are over not being prioritised when it comes to news. I wouldn't bombard her with calls and messages all the time, just let her know you are there and see how you can support.

Which doesn't entitle OP to information in the future

It's just now she knows she won't be getting it unless husband betrays wife...

If OP wants husband to betray wife and feed her information that's about as unhealthy as you can get

Wife has set a boundary husband should respect

So he knew he made a mistake in not checking with his wife/the patient first. And knowing couldn’t take it back, asked his mother not to repeat the information he wife didn’t want him to share. Mistakes happen. I’m just trying to figure out how the daughter in law is wrong in this scenario, aside from her mother in law deciding she shouldn’t be to be autonomous over her own medical information.

He didn't know when he told his mum Sara, which is why he then told her not to let her d.i.l. know that she knew.

The mother, m.i.l. or GM are always wrong, even when they're not.

Interesting thought!

I'm a Daughter, Dil, Mum, Mil, GM, GGM - it's not that a title matters. If you're wrong or right is what matters. The OP is quite wrong in this GM view (and many other GM who have posted on this thread).

Agree

I feel for you, but if I was your daughter in law, I would be furious with my husband if he told you something I’d specifically asked him not to.
Not that I did want to keep anything from my mother in law. but if I had have done, I would expect my feelings to be respected.
Her own mum is, and probably always will be closer to her.

VioletSky

They are wrong when they are wrong Smileless

No one has a weird vendetta against MILs in general, most of us either already are or soon to be one ourselves

Remember children become parents, become grandparents

Mutual respect between adults is easy when you aren't placing yourself as some sort of matriarch setting the rules others must obey

Spot on.

Nobody is entitled to someone else’s medical information. In fact, not even the father can demand information if the pregnant woman says no.

Pregnancy is not equal. Nature, unfortunately, didn’t design it that way. So, no, the father doesn’t have equal rights to disclose private medical information, because it’s not his. Their baby, her body.

The idea that a party twice removed could demand medical information due to being related to the secondary party is horrifying, frankly. Privacy laws are thankfully a thing.

I can’t imagine my husband running around giving out my personal medical information. We always agreed on what was to be shared, and to whom, before any calls were made. Or weren’t, as the case may be. I never had to ask him not to tell anyone, because his attitude was always, “You’re the pregnant one, it’s your choice.”

People share sensitive information with those they trust. The DIL clearly doesn’t trust the OP. If there’s any hope for a relationship in the future, that’s where the focus should be: figuring out why there’s no trust, and working to repair the situation.

The thing that baffles me the most is that the people here who are able to understand the DILs perspective are likely the ones able to help OP achieve a wonderful relationship

Whereas the other advice will achieve the opposite.

Why would anyone gladly help someone destroy their relationship?

Someone make it make sense

Knowing a person is pregnant makes one entitled to details? That’s new.

Regarding the sperm count, what if couple had previously shared plans to conceive? If they previously told the family they were going to try for a baby, should family then be entitled to the details regarding why the conception hadn’t happened? Should the parents in law be made aware that the reason they aren’t yet grandparents is because their son in law had a low count? Of course not. No spouse has the right to speak about the other’s private medical info without a blessing from spouse being discussed. The young husband quickly realized this. The OP shouldn’t be upset that he is prioritizing his wife’s wishes. She should be proud.

They are wrong when they are wrong Smileless

No one has a weird vendetta against MILs in general, most of us either already are or soon to be one ourselves

Remember children become parents, become grandparents

Mutual respect between adults is easy when you aren't placing yourself as some sort of matriarch setting the rules others must obey

Sharing details of your husband's sperm count isn't the same thing at all Grams2five. The OP knows her d.i.l. is oregnant, knew she was having a scan and understandably had asked if all was well.

As for whether or not my personal circumstances cloud my judgement, I've been thinking the same about some of the responses here.

The mother, m.i.l. or GM are always wrong, even when they're not.

Or if husband was impotent and that is why she is not getting pregnant