Feeling left out

That’s actually a great question, Grams2five.

If the young couple were struggling with fertility, and the young man’s sperm count was low, is it okay for his wife to share with her mother? After all, she’s a potential loving granny who is interested in what’s going on. She blood related to the wife, and her chances at being a gran are affected. Does the son no longer have reproductive medical privacy, or does that only count if you’re a daughter in law who is close to her own mum?

Smileless2012

^When we make ourselves the center of another person's personal issues, we need to self reflect^ yes we do and that includes dictating to one''s husband/wife/partner what they can and cannot tell their own mother.

Would you so staunchly defend this young women’s right to share intimate details of her husbands penis/speed count wit her father or think it’s his medical information to share at his will? While your own arrangement is sad it seems to cloud your judgement into thinking grandmother are never ever wrong and entitled to all sort with which they are not

It’s her body. His rights come in to play after the birth, not before. If he realized after the mistake that he needs to respect his wife’s privacy, why are so many banging on about the dynamics of their marriage as if there is something that they need to change/fix? He didn’t ask for relationship advice. His mother is the one asking for validation on her entitlement. What makes anyone here think he needs to create a rift with his wife to appease his mother? Too many of you think you need to tell your sons about their wives. You desires are not equal to your daughter in laws in your sons’ marriage. Why encourage the OP to think so?

The thing is, if people want good relationships with the younger family members.... People have boundaries these days. Whether or not you agree with them, following them will mean a wonderful mutually respectful relationship... And not, well not having that

If he is such a grown man, why does he need his mother's support this much?

Hitgere, This is not a selling of state secrets or betraying intimate details of their marriage. What a ridiculous over reaction, he is a grown man and quite capable of making his own decisions. It’s his child as much as hers.

I wasn't clear from the OP whether you knew your DIL was pregnant. If you did know of the pregnancy, then I cannot see why your DS should not share with you the fact that the scan showed all was as it should be. I can understand your DIL not wanting to share the concern over the low placenta. Her body, her choice. Still, the fact he shared it before he knew her wishes is hardly a hanging offence. If you knew she was pregnant I would express pleasure that all is well, provided your DS tells her he told you all was well. No need to mention the placenta. If you didn't know, then stay silent. She can't hide it forever.
Perhaps her mother had a similar problem in pregnancy and she, the DIL, doesn't want people fussing over her. Relax about it all and enjoy the forthcoming pleasure of a grandchild. Your DS though should explain to her that he wants you to know that all is well.
Be thankful she doesn't come to see you as a low placenta can be a risk for mother and baby. At least you can't be blamed should the worst occur. Sorry to be a bit morbid there but if there is a risk people around her need to know just in case expert help is needed.

Furthermore, the fact that the son told his mum not to share or means he understands he may have violated his wife’s right to privacy before thinking. Who is anyone here to say he is wrong to respect his wife’s privacy? Certainly no one who isn’t interested in instigating a rift between the couple.

It doesn’t when that info concerns one person’s body and not the other. You don’t get to “confide” in your mummy about your spouse’s body. And frankly, I’m not sure how that’s anyone’s business but the couple’s.

When we make ourselves the center of another person's personal issues, we need to self reflect yes we do and that includes dictating to one''s husband/wife/partner what they can and cannot tell their own mother.

Finding it hurtful that someone chooses to only confide personal, medical info to their mother and husband is quite self-centered. What’s going on with this young woman’s body is not about the OP. When we make ourselves the center of another person’s personal issues, we need to self-reflect.

Exactly Dickens. MoaningTurtle's son told her the results of the scan before he knew that his wife didn't want him to do so. It's a shame that he was unable/unwilling to tell his wife he'd already done so, but MoaningTurtle has already posted, as early as page 1 I think, that he doesn't like confrontation.

To avoid any potential unpleasantness, she's agreed not to let her d.i.l. know she knows. Seems perfectly reasonable to me that a) her son told her b) in the circumstances she's agreed to keep quiet and c) that she finds her d.i.l.'d attitude hurtful.

hollysteers

lyleLyle I’m struggling with the basic realisation as a nurse, that you do not understand people are actually blood related to each other and might be interested in what happens to their family.
And how do we get to the idea that the OP is an uncaring, critical MIL? She may not be perfect, mine certainly wasn’t, but she feels saddened by the situation. There is not enough proof to be so accusatory.
No automatic rights for grandparents, true, but application can be made (Childrens Act 1989 as I’m sure you know).

Being blood related and interested doesn’t make one entitled to a damn thing. Op can be as interested i her daughter in-laws pregnancy as she wants. She’s entitled to not an iota of knowledge about it. As its dils body. What is so hard to understand about this? Lyle I’m sure you were of great comfort to many vulnerable laboring and fresh mums - and a thorn to the overbearing entitles to grandmas who think they’re a main character in these new families and aren’t

😊 wyllow

Good heavens GSM we agree....

The progress of your daughter in law’s pregnancy is a very personal matter. She shares the details with whoever she chooses and a mother in law has no right to be given these very private details. My son shared with me only to the extent agreed and I expected no more. I was grateful for the details entrusted to me. If you expect so much and even start a thread on GN about your (totally unwarranted) disappointment, I don’t have great hopes for your relationships with your son, daughter in law or grandchild. You need to understand that you don’t have the entitlement you seem to expect.

Just googled baby rabies, had never heard the expression.
I learn something every day on GN.

welbeck

doesn't matter how interested blood relations might be, the patient's autonomy is paramount.
well done that nurse for protecting the patient's privacy.
women are not breeding stock, to be looked over by farmers rearing a herd.

True. Or as our daughters proclaim "I'm not just a uterus."

You wouldn’t believe how families can get baby rabies

Yes we can believe - look to the silly baby rabies posts on GN.

hollysteers

lyleLyle I’m struggling with the basic realisation as a nurse, that you do not understand people are actually blood related to each other and might be interested in what happens to their family.
And how do we get to the idea that the OP is an uncaring, critical MIL? She may not be perfect, mine certainly wasn’t, but she feels saddened by the situation. There is not enough proof to be so accusatory.
No automatic rights for grandparents, true, but application can be made (Childrens Act 1989 as I’m sure you know).

Whether or not people are interested in a patient’s information is not my concern as a nurse. My clinical, legal and ethical obligation was to ensure I played no role in disseminating protected health information outside of my duties, or my patient’s wishes. You can believe it or not. Makes zero difference in any aspect of life.

As a mother and grandmother, I cannot wrap my head around going to the internet bashing my daughter in law for being closer to her mother and sharing private medical information with whom she chooses. As a woman I cannot fathom being so stuck in the past that I would even dare to think a pregnant woman has fewer rights to privacy than any other patient. The OP’s own posts sound uncaring and critical. That’s not merely an accusation out of nowhere. She has no care for what the couple’s feelings. Only for what she feels she’s entitled too.

As far as you encouraging the very damaging submissions of applications for visitation, go look up some stats on the success rates. Look at the rare “winners” and how little to no enforcement is done. As I said, trying to convince people that they are entitled to other people’s babies is toxic and quite low on the success spectrum as far as outcomes. Nothing positive. The OP’s daughter in law already does not feel as close. What’s your end game here? To make the daughter in law estrange the OP? To encourage the OP to create rifts between her son and his wife with demands? And some of you wonder why you push the younger generations away smh. Toxic mentalities.

doesn't matter how interested blood relations might be, the patient's autonomy is paramount.
well done that nurse for protecting the patient's privacy.
women are not breeding stock, to be looked over by farmers rearing a herd.

I was distracted from posting due to a neighbour situation.
I was about to say that this was about miscommunication inasmuch as OP asked about the scan, son responded then realised wife wanted to keep these things to herself, understandably. Son asked OP not to say he told her medical details.
So a misunderstanding, no real harm done, relationships are not permanently damaged.
Perhaps OP has a different relationship with her other dils but would suggest discussing this dil with others is not a good idea.
Dickens puts it well I will say no more.

Hithere

Lyle

The amazing stories you could tell!

Thanks for standing up for your patients

You wouldn’t believe how families can get baby rabies lol. I understand the excitement but my duty as an RN was to my patients. I’ve escorted many a mum and mother in law outside the room.

lyleLyle “I was a great nurse in the US”
Self praise is no recommendation.

lyleLyle I’m struggling with the basic realisation as a nurse, that you do not understand people are actually blood related to each other and might be interested in what happens to their family.
And how do we get to the idea that the OP is an uncaring, critical MIL? She may not be perfect, mine certainly wasn’t, but she feels saddened by the situation. There is not enough proof to be so accusatory.
No automatic rights for grandparents, true, but application can be made (Childrens Act 1989 as I’m sure you know).