Feeling left out

Sorry *VioletSky" but I have read many of your posts and I can't recall a single one where you have changed your opinions after "listening to those with a different perspective ".
I'm not going to engage further - it is pointless and depressing

As a relatively recent MIL I am not sure why the OP feels "left out".
I appreciate that all families are different but i would have thought that it is usual to share information about potential pregnancy complications with her partner & her mother but not necessarily the wider family.
As a PP has said there is always a risk that you somewhat become "defined by the potential problem" & are always being asked about it which can increase anxiety.
When i think back to my pregnancies 30 years ago i would probably only have told my partner.
I wouldn`t have told my mother anything about my life & my MIL (who i had a generally good relationship with) would not have been particularly interested.

No not really

That's a dangerous approach to life eddiescat

To have the mentality that "only those who have been through what I have experienced can help me" puts you in the position of only listening to those who have similar relationship issues.

Given that they could not make their relationships work either... They won't have good advice

Couple that with any kind of need to just have pure empathy and support for your situation will lead you down a path that achieves absolutely no personal growth or change

It's just not healthy

I am always willing to listen to those with a different perspective. As long as they have listened and heard mine and aren't taking their own situation out on me. Which happens sometimes and I have reached a place where I can be patient for that, while pointing out it is unreasonable

VioletSky

Why would you wish that eddiescat

A lot of us have genuinely tried to help this relationship from self destructing

When that is taken as an attack on an OP rather than insight into how to achieve strong healthy relationships with others then it is doomed to fail

You need to walk in someone's shoes before you start telling them where they are going wrong in life.

Hetty I don't understand it either

Where has the OP stated she has a right to know? The OP hasn't claimed some extended parental role or claimed her GC before s/he's even been born.

These comments are irrelevant.

Out here in the real world - we have our own busy lives, our 'parenting' is firmly in the past, we keep in touch and show concern, of course. We are not best friends with MILs or DILs and have no wish to be.

Only on GN, there's this unhealthy fixation with wider family - the expectation of close involvement - and the weird claiming of some extended parental role, the claiming of grandchildren before they're even born!

It's like the role of (helicopter) mother is permanent and extended to include the next generation - very sad.

Why would you wish that eddiescat

A lot of us have genuinely tried to help this relationship from self destructing

When that is taken as an attack on an OP rather than insight into how to achieve strong healthy relationships with others then it is doomed to fail

I give up. I'm starting to hope some of you go on to experience this in your family and then your eyes might be opened

I disagree about the two way street, honestly. It really only takes one to land things in the ditch

I think we actually agree Mercury. I meant that for a relationship to work both parties have to engage in and want to make it work. If one doesnt then the relationship will fail/land in a ditch as you say. 😏

eddiecat78

Many of you seem to have missed the fact that OP briefly mentioned 10 years of being excluded by this DIL. I should think the scan incident felt like the final straw and she came to Gransnet to offload and hoping for some empathy. Instead of which she has been told it's all her own fault! It should be noted that she appears to have a good relationship with her other DIL so presumably they don't feel OP is an unreasonable person. Why is it so hard for you to consider that the pregnant DIL is the difficult one not the OP?

But even if the DIL is the "difficult one" how on earth will the son sharing private information with his mother help matters? Or the OP thinking she has a right to know for that matter? If someone doesn't want to be close to you you can't make them. In fact stepping back and maintaining distance is often the best thing to do, because once they sense that is happening the difficult person may relax a little and allow more contact.

"Rabid feminists talking crap" seems more of a generally held opinion about feminists than lashing out in frustration...

That's the problem

And getting on with the other DIL who is happy to sit with her and speak badly of this DIL and then using that as an "so and so agrees with me so I must be right"...

Is another problem

Even now, I still remember that truly horrible feeling, when pregnant, that others (family, friends and doctors/nurses) were entirely focussed and overly interested in my 'contents', that precious baby - and viewed me as merely a 'vessel' - a container!

Where were the usual questions about me, my life, interests and career? What happened to the normal conversations about the weather, politics, hobbies, events etc? I wasn't cabbage brained or totally obsessed with the contents of my womb - yet seemed to be surrounded by those who were!

NotSpaghetti

eddiecat78 we don't know anything about the daughter-in-law... but we do know something of the OP who has used some very inflammatory language.

If I'd had 10 years of being excluded and had just had yet another episode I'd be feeling pretty upset and quite likely to use inflammatory language on an anonymous forum.

eddiecat78 we don't know anything about the daughter-in-law... but we do know something of the OP who has used some very inflammatory language.

Many of you seem to have missed the fact that OP briefly mentioned 10 years of being excluded by this DIL. I should think the scan incident felt like the final straw and she came to Gransnet to offload and hoping for some empathy. Instead of which she has been told it's all her own fault! It should be noted that she appears to have a good relationship with her other DIL so presumably they don't feel OP is an unreasonable person. Why is it so hard for you to consider that the pregnant DIL is the difficult one not the OP?

VioletSky

I think the "rabid feminists" and "talking crap" comment made by OP on the first page didn't help
Idk why boundaries is rabid

Yea that, and also very rude responses to people who didn't sympathize totally.

It sounds like:

1. An issue with the pregnancy was discovered.
2. Son shared it with his mother.
3. Son then discovered his wife didn't want him to share it with anyone.
4. Son panicked, and asked his mother not to drop him in it with his wife.

None of the above seems unnatural to me, or angst-worthy.

Smileless2012

I've made my opinion quite clear Mama.

I’m actually not clear about your opinion, because I can’t understand how you can have opposite opinions on the the basic rights of bodily autonomy and medical privacy. I fail to see the difference, if the argument is based on DS’s baby being in there.

Allsorts repeating that won't make it true

And there was absolutely no justification for that comment at all

People have different posting styles yes but we are all different and all entitled to answer a question with honesty without personal insults

I've made my opinion quite clear Mama.

The OP was referring to the comments made by some, which are quite frankly offensive. Just because you are a mil doesn’t mean we should all disappear to keep dil happy. Everything meticulously scrutinised to see if you are overstepping any borders, how ridiculous.
Don’t blame the OP for not returning, to be a mil is indeed a sin to some.

Madgran77

*It’s not the title that indicates issues. It’s the individuals involved and the relationship that develops. And a big part of it is mismatched expectations.*

Yes that is true. But it is not always the MIL who is responsible for the problems that develop. Relationships are a two way street and if one member does not wish to engage then the relationship is doomed whatever anyone else does. And that inevitably impacts on the wider circle of people involved including ACs.

Absolutely, the issues can come from either side, or both, but I was focused on what the MIL has control over, her choices and behaviour.

I disagree about the two way street, honestly. It really only takes one to land things in the ditch.

I think the "rabid feminists" and "talking crap" comment made by OP on the first page didn't help
Idk why boundaries is rabid

Smileless2012

Of course she has the right to say no to her m.i.l. or anyone else. It's a silly question.

She has the right to bodily autonomy, despite her husband’s baby being in there, but she doesn’t have a right to bodily privacy, because her husband’s baby is in there?

It’s not the title that indicates issues. It’s the individuals involved and the relationship that develops. And a big part of it is mismatched expectations.

Yes that is true. But it is not always the MIL who is responsible for the problems that develop. Relationships are a two way street and if one member does not wish to engage then the relationship is doomed whatever anyone else does. And that inevitably impacts on the wider circle of people involved including ACs.