Feeling left out

If we don't want our young people to "buy into" the dreadful MIL scenario which is rather sadly prevalent, we have to show them that we are good MIL's. We don't do that by trampling over their feelings, trying to buy respect with money or discussing her negatively with our other DIL's. We have to apologise for our mistakes (God knows I've made a few) and build on any positives we can find in our relationship. It isn't always easy but if we persist in our"rights" about our grandchildren, we soon learn exactly who has those rights and it is very difficult to come back from there.
I'm not saying it is easy to look inside yourself to see where you might be acting "entitled" but I think you would be helping yourself and your relationship if you could take on board some of the views about the right to privacy, the right to feelings you may not agree with and your lack of rights in regard to your grandchildren. You don't have to agree with them, you just have to accept them because they are the reality.

montymops - if the daughter-in-law is part of two families now (as you say), then she is part of her own little family and the family she was born into (or brought up in).

She is also involved in a third family (her husband's birth family)... Maybe if the relationship can be improved she will become part of that third family. At the moment it feels, sadly, a fairly hostile place.
I hope that her father-in-law is welcoming, open and non-judgemental - as this could be the way new and more positive relationships could be forged.

MoaningTurtle

Thanks so much for your kind suggestion Welbeck but I won’t need it.
I keep my mouth firmly shut which is why I seek support elsewhere.
As long as I’m a good girl and do exactly as I’m told whilst DIL can make no effort at all it will all be fine and dandy.

As a MIL, I would say probably yes, we have to be the conciliatory ones. Having a baby is a stressful experience for both the mum (obviously! Physically and emotionally) and the dad (his own concerns about mum & baby, and trying to support the mum through her stresses). They don't need grandparents doing anything other than being supportive. On GN we hear of so many estrangements, and imo it's the grandparents who need to keep things as calm as possible.

Surely the most important aspect of this is the relationship between the couple. If she asks him not to tell anyone yet, he should ask when she would be happy to tell his parents.
If one asks the other not to do something, and they promptly do it, isn't that a breach of trust?

I still think that the son made a big error of judgment.
Even if he wasn’t asked specifically not to discuss it with his mother, he must have known how things were between them, and he surely didn’t imagine telling his mother his wife’s private medical condition was a good idea.

Message deleted by Gransnet. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

To me, this sounds like a lot of fuss over nothing. It does not say that the DIL told her own mother about the scan, it could have been that after the scan and phone call she said lets not tell anyone about the placenta being low, so the son asked his mother not to say he had already told her.

It would seem that you do not like each other, that being the case then I can understand why she does not visit you. If you want to see your grandchild then arrange it with your son, if he wants you to see the child he can bring him to visit you.

There was no need to say you have helped them financially, the money does not buy you anything, You want them to see you because they want to not because of what you have given them.

Smileless2012

I said I don't see the relevance because that's not what the son did. I didn't say you'd written that he had lyleLyle.

We don't know that "they" refers to the medical team. Some think it does but I think she was referring to her son and his wife.

I haven't said the OP would have spoken more favourably, I said "perhaps" and of course "strangers on the internet" can affect how you respond if you feel that you and/or someone you love is being unfairly criticised.

I disagree. I love my daughters in law. All 3 of them. We aren’t a perfect family, but somehow I can’t imagine them receiving worrying news about a pregnancy and then me going to the internet and complaining how they don’t treat me the same as the women who birthed them. It’s lunacy and unloving, no matter what strangers on the internet say. As I said, some people give advice that leans toward peace and healing in the family. Others will give advice/comments that fuel unnecessary grievances. I prefer to give comments that promote family harmony by seeing the other perspective, not validate childish entitlements.

greenlady102

Feelings aren't wrong, they are feelings but NOBODY has the right to know what is going on with someone else's pregnancy. Doctors won't even tell the biological or other father details unless the mother permits. I don't think that's resenting your existence, its expecting to have control of her own health information.

I'm obviously behind on this post, but well said! It's true. At least at my OB practice and hospital, we need to authorize our partners to access our medical information. They are not automatically entitled. The mother is the patient.

You're entitled to your feelings, and I can appreciate it's hard to feel like the maternal grandmother l knows more information. I would try to remember that your son is not the patient and he is not the one carrying baby. My guess is your son is trying to keep you in the loop, but his wife is anxious (who wouldn't be) and he doesn't want well-meaning expressions of concern or support from you to be misinterpreted as an invasion of medical privacy. How would you feel if your son told his wife all about your yeast infection and she reached out to see how your discharge was? You are, after all, the grandmother of her child and she has a vested interest in your health. However routine pregnancy may seem, and even though we've all been through it, this is still pretty intimate and women do have a right to their medical privacy. Her uterus doesn't become community property just because she is pregnant.

Yes, this child will be your grandchild, but DIL isn't a mere grandchild vessel. She is this child's mother and she is the patient. I think it's understandable that she would like to choose what she does and doesn't share about her own medical information. Especially when there is nothing to be done by the other parties involved.

If it helps ease worry at all, a repeat scan to check growth and baby/placenta position at 36 weeks is completely typical in my next of the woods (US). It's not a cause for concern.

I understand totally Moaning Turtle. Of course you want to be kept in the loop. A child is for the 'tribe' not just the mother (although I do detest the 'we're pregnant' expression). I think your DIL must be quite insecure and envious - or is she just plain controlling? At all events, try to be patient and understanding - as I am sure you realise, she is the one who is pregnant, not you. Strikes me your son needs the support of an open-minded and understanding mum.

I think, what it boils down to, is expectations.

Myself and several other posters have explained why we believe expecting to have access/be informed of someone’s personal medical information is inappropriate. That yes, the OP is an interested third party, but that comes with zero rights or entitlement to information. It is wholly up to the patient who gets to know what, and when.

You can’t flip a switch and assume that your relationship will improve simply because there’s now a gc on the way. Nowhere in any of OP’s posts do I get a sense of a positive relationship between her and her DIL, so I find her expectations to be unreasonable. There’s clearly a loss of trust between them.

To me OP original post stated that she asked her son how the scan went and he told her some details. She didn’t then question him on the ins and outs of it . At this time the DIL hadn’t told him not to discuss the pregnancy with his mother so none of this was against her wishes.
The DIL discussed it with her mother and sister because she was concerned about the pregnancy and wanted their support which I assume they gave . The baby’s father was also concerned so why was it so dreadful that he needed the same support from his mother .
I think the OP try’s to get on with her DIL and doesn’t interfere in the marriage but it is very hard to be supportive of a DIL who obviously doesn’t like her . If the OP hadn’t asked how the scan went she would probably have been called uncaring .
Anyway, I hope all goes well with the pregnancy and you and your son avoid any more drama.

The OP completely describes my DIL. And over the years it gets worse. We don’t know why. This year she didn’t acknowledge DH’s birthday. Card from the DGC and DS, but she didn’t sign the card or send any kind of message. We give up…

I repeat: it is not our business and Moaning Turtle should not have made it public.

Well isn't that what GN is for eazybee? There are countless threads started by people looking for advice for personal situations, should no one ever do so?

There'd be very few threads if no one ever did.

The point is, this is not our business.
Moaning Turtle chose to make it public and she should not have done so.

Just trying to help

I thought you didn't agree with policing others posts VS, so please don't try to police mine. I'm not preventing anyone from having "their say to the OP" and it's silly to suggest otherwise.

That's how it should be Allsorts. No one should be told what they can and cannot tell their own parents, or made to feel bad because they want too to the extent that they feel they can't be honest with their husband or wife when they'e done so.

Allsorts

I don't think MILs are always wrong

The MILs that are wrong were generally wrong when they were DILs too

Or in other words, people who age rong are wrong

Sometimes.... It's even the Son that is wrong 😲

Yes VS we know that mil are always wrong. However I do not agree with you, I think that’s allowed not thinking as you do.
When I see what some people have to do just to see their son it’s plain wrong. I would not walk on egg shells. If my son told me something he knows it would go no further however my lovely dil would have probably told me anyway as it’s not a competition,

So the comments you challenged were correct

This is what I meant earlier

Let people have their say to the OP, or at least make sure you are correct when challenging others

Yes I know VS I said I'd found it and I agree with the OP that it isn't right that her son's m.i.l. knows and is OK to be supportive, but not for her.

MoaningTurtle

It’s very common to have a low placenta, the maternity hospital are not in the least bit concerned, it could possibly mean an elective Caesarian hence the 36 week appointment.
My son will be feeling equally anxious but apparently it’s ok for his MIL to know and support him but not his own mother!
No, that isn’t right.

Here

Found it. Yesterday @ 15.37 the OP posted about the maternity hospital not being the least bit concerned and her son feeling equally anxious.