Feeling left out

I can't see where the OP said that 'they' referred to the medical team and her son and d.i.l. are anxious VS, where is this?

Smileless an example has been quoted above that shows it was indeed referring to the medical team and that DIL and sob are anxious about it

So that one can be put down now

MercuryQueen, I can't get that imaginary image of you giving birth to tarantulas out of my mind. Thanks for the laugh.
Like a lot of posters I agree the son should be honest with his wife/partner about his faux pas. I think he should have the conversation with his wife too about how much she wants his mother to be involved. If there is a difficulty there perhaps it is time for the couple to iron it out before possible real estrangement sets in. I can fully understand her not wanting her medical history to be known but still feel he has a right to inform his mother all is well.
I didn't spot the post about money given etc but gifts should be freely given with no obligation to 'pay back' in any way.
I would suspect that the OP is reading our posts even if not commenting on them. I wish her DIL a safe pregnancy and a better understanding all round of each other.

Given the very real risks associated with placenta previa, I’d be absolutely shocked if the pregnant person wasn’t worried. Medical staff, however? Literally their job to be calm, reassuring and ‘we can deal with this, it’ll be okay.’

I said I don't see the relevance because that's not what the son did. I didn't say you'd written that he had lyleLyle.

We don't know that "they" refers to the medical team. Some think it does but I think she was referring to her son and his wife.

I haven't said the OP would have spoken more favourably, I said "perhaps" and of course "strangers on the internet" can affect how you respond if you feel that you and/or someone you love is being unfairly criticised.

MoaningTurtle

It’s very common to have a low placenta, the maternity hospital are not in the least bit concerned, it could possibly mean an elective Caesarian hence the 36 week appointment.
My son will be feeling equally anxious but apparently it’s ok for his MIL to know and support him but not his own mother!
No, that isn’t right.

It's not uncommon - about I:200 pregnancies or 0.5%.

In many cases things progress well - but it can also be a very dangerous situation as well (risk of extreme bleeding and death for mother and baby). The exact risk factors cannot be assessed until later in pregnancy. So it's not only "maybe she'll have a c-section".

I get that you don't like your DIL - you've made it fairly clear. But perhaps you could try to look at it from her point of view of getting a very scary diagnosis that she is trying to process and wanting supportive people around her.

I’m still on the first page of responses here… and find that Hithere’s responses are such a smackdown without any feeling at all. Not even a whisper of empathy at n her words.

I do agree with ParlorGames - she has an instinctive thought about DIL’s mother!
I wonder myself.

Family members (spouses or not) do push the “control” envelope sometimes, which is sorrowful. Why can’t people be more civil?

I’ll read the rest now and see where it ends up… strong opinions here!
USA Gundy

Also, a mum who understands her son’s wife is his rightful priority wouldn’t ask him to approach his wife to get her way about something she isn’t entitled to. Not saying the OP has done this, but it certainly provides insight into why those who think it’s okay have conflict with DILs.

Smileless2012

I don't think that a mother understanding that her son's wife is his priority and not wanting to feel left out are mutually exclusive.

I don't see the relevance of the expectation "that a loving mother wouldn't want her son to pressure his distressed wife to share details of her body when she clearly isn't comfortable" to this discussion. The OP's son hasn't pressurised his wife, and as we've also been told that "they aren't worried at all", which suggests there is no distress.

As she's been told that the parents aren't worried any fears she may have had, may have been satisfied. Perhaps she'd have spoken more favourably about her d.i.l. and expressed concern if she hadn't felt it necessary to defend her son and herself, and if they had a better relationship.

We can't know for sure.

Literally nowhere did I write that the son pressured his wife. That was in response to people telling the OP to approach his wife about her god given right to limit the details of her personal medical information.

“they”, meaning the hospital staff, are not worried. What we know for sure is that the young wife is only comfortable sharing details with her mum and husband. And that’s all we need to know. Not sure what kind of people criticize a woman for being comfortable sharing about her body with her husband and mum. It’s quite bizarre and unkind.

The OP would have spoken more favorably about her daughter in law if she felt it. When you actually care about and love someone, strangers on the internet don’t affect that. Her words are her responsibility and no one else’s. The OP is also the one responsible for her feelings, not her daughter in law.

My interpretation was that it was the medical team that was not worried; I thought it rather a callous comment on the part of the MIL.

I would, a mother told about any abnormality will be concerned, but the staff will likely show none.

My concern saved my son's life. I had scar tissue on my cervix from a previous surgery to remove cancerous cells. I was reassured throughout, not a concern, would not prevent dilation. Did not stop me worrying.

When I was induced, he became distressed, his heart was dropping and I ended up with a team of doctors discussing whether to let me progress without induction or do a c section.

I knew it was the scar tissue stopping dilation and it had gone on too long. I spat the gas and air out and shouted, do it now...

I had a full abruption as they wheeled me into surgery.

Mums are always concerned over abnormalities in pregnancy, common or not. Every single mother I have ever met

We don't know if his mum asked if they were worried or if he volunteered the information.

How many people answer "we are not worried" when in fact they are?

I wouldn't say it's more likely VS. It's possible but I'd have thought the OP would have said if she was referring to her d.i.l.'s medical team.

I don't think that a mother understanding that her son's wife is his priority and not wanting to feel left out are mutually exclusive.

I don't see the relevance of the expectation "that a loving mother wouldn't want her son to pressure his distressed wife to share details of her body when she clearly isn't comfortable" to this discussion. The OP's son hasn't pressurised his wife, and as we've also been told that "they aren't worried at all", which suggests there is no distress.

As she's been told that the parents aren't worried any fears she may have had, may have been satisfied. Perhaps she'd have spoken more favourably about her d.i.l. and expressed concern if she hadn't felt it necessary to defend her son and herself, and if they had a better relationship.

We can't know for sure.

Hithere

Oh lyle, you are priceless (in a good way)

Haha thanks

Smileless2012

MoaningTurtle says in her OP "they said they aren't worried at all" so I think it's unlikely that her d.i.l. found the news distressing eazybee.

Don't you think it is more likely that the medical team (midwives and doctors) are the "they" in that sentence...

MoaningTurtle says in her OP "they said they aren't worried at all" so I think it's unlikely that her d.i.l. found the news distressing eazybee.

It’s expected that it shouldn’t be a problem for a mother to understand her son’s priorities are and should be his wife. It’s expected that a loving mother wouldn’t want her son to pressure his distressed wife to share details of her body when she clearly isn’t comfortable. It’s expected that a loving mother would be more concerned for the pregnancy itself than her own desire to criticize her DIL online. Not a single word of concern for the young woman. It’s expected that people with loving familial relations would find that odd.

Ok Smileless

It's to be expected that daughters are closer to their parents and that sons are closer to theirsKathmaggie and that both will want to confide in and share with their own.

I’m genuinely baffled that anyone believes not having access to someone else’s personal medical information is hurtful or cruel.

Extended family isn’t entitled to any of it. Heck, as I mentioned before, not even the father can access the mother’s medical records if she doesn’t consent.

Yes, it’s THEIR baby but it’s HER body and HER medical information. She should absolutely get to decide who knows what.

As for the MIL requesting to be present at the birth, as a previous poster mentioned? I’d rather have given birth to a dozen tarantulas through my nose than have had my MIL even KNOW I was in labour, let alone be present. I made the grave error of inviting her to an OB appointment with our first baby together, since I was trying to be a good DIL, and thought she’d enjoy hearing the baby’s heartbeat. Her behaviour was so bad that the OB took me aside and questioned if I was okay, if she was staying with us and for how long. When the Dr. is concerned after only being around her for fifteen minutes, you KNOW things aren’t right.

A pregnant mother received some news about her pregnancy which distressed her. Her husband told his mother, reasonably enough, but his wife didn't want her to know.

The disgruntled MIL promptly shared sensitive medical information on a public forum with potentially hundreds/ thousands (? )of unknown readers, some of whom voiced opinions about a difficult family situation.

Imagine what this couple, particularly the pregnant mother, would feel if they knew their private lives have been laid open for scrutiny.

I am a paternal Grandma - I have 3 sons and always fully expected to be a “Boxing Day “ parent / Grandparent. I accepted this, same with GC. It’s too easy to become resentful when DiL are closer to their own parents. If DiL is wise she will ensue her husband has quality time with his own parents.

No, as far as I'm concerned my disagreement with you is not invalid VS.

I don't think that seeing that you've made a mistake and apologising for it makes you look silly, quite the opposite. As for "policing everyone else" I haven't the faintest idea what you're talking about, and you may care to remember that it was you who first accused me of sometimes defending the indefensible and not the other way around.