Feeling left out

MoaningTurtle

One of my DILs seems to resent our existence!
Today they have had their 20 week scan and thankfully all looks fine, however the placenta is low so she will need a scan at 36 weeks but they said they aren’t worried at all.
My son has just hurriedly texted me to pretend he hadn’t told me as she only wants her own mum to know.
I understand it’s her pregnancy and totally up to her what she does but this is just typical of her, she sees her mum during the week but doesn’t ever come to us, doesn’t want my son to ever tell us anything.
Am I wrong to find this hurtful?

OP disappeared when she got answers she clearly didn't expect, or want. If you read all her posts, she clearly has a low opinion of this particular DIL - all her interests are in the pregnancy, how the baby is, references to her much loved older grandson, that "50% of this baby belongs to her son". But I saw very little (zero) regard or respect for the DIL, blaming her for not seeing her grandson (and yet not her own son), how the DIL visits her Mum and not her, etc (seriously, would anyone want to spend time with someone who dislikes them) - the thousands of pounds OP has given them. OP's said she and her other DIL's discuss this one DIL. The antagonism towards this DIL is flying off the screen - I would find it difficult to believe that this DIL isn't aware of the apparent dislike the OP has for her.

Several polite and seemingly helpful suggestions that the OP needs to review how she treats the DIL, that she respects her decision to not include the OP in the details of the scan; despite the OP saying she was open to suggestions the OP scoffed and was openly rude!

I'm hoping the OP is taking a day to regroup and have a good think about how she wants this relationship to pan out. I'm getting a strong vibe of it's the OP's way or the highway ... And she's the one that will miss out on grandchildren if she continues with this train of thought.

Smileless2012

If you don't want to be told that at times you defend the
undefendable VS then it would be better not to say that others do so.

I haven't seen anyone say people are "against MILS". My initial response was to Grams2five who suggested that my perception was perhaps coloured by my personal experience. I said I felt the same way about some of the replies to the OP, and I do.

I agree with what you say about double standards, which is why I do my best to avoid them. Clearly we have our own opinions as to what we consider are justified and unjustified comments which is to be expected during the course of a discussion.

Yet Lyle just proved the entirety of your argument with me invalid

And if I have to go back and quote the comments I was responding too which weren't you (you simply agreed) I am happy to do so.

Maybe if you could let me and others have their own comments in the first place instead of constantly policing everyone else you wouldn't end up looking silly

Say nothing and continue to say nothing when baby is born - unless yr asked for your opinion. Even then go along with yr dil. She sounds very prickly. I’m speaking from experience here! Listen to yr son to give him assurance however.

No I am not being deliberately obtuse or looking for a straw man argument lyleLyle. I see that I miss read your post for which I apologise. Something that you could have drawn my attention too in a less confrontational manner.

I’d have had an absolute fit if either my mum or MiL wanted to be at the births of any of our four children, come immediately after both of them welcome then, my Mum was too busy looking after the others after number 1 and for my first and her first grandson she waited patiently in the hospital waiting room!

It is very sad that this lad is not allowed to share his excitement and worries about the pregnancy with his own mother.

Oh lyle, you are priceless (in a good way)

I agree Lyle. What mother would ask her son if he’d lost his backbone? Not a loving one IMO.

I don't think it has been suggested pandapatch and I think it would depend on the relationship between them as to whether or not that would have been a better approach.

You're right GoldenAge and I agree that a conversation between the parents about how the respective GP's may feel is a good idea.

I agree that it seems one sided that the mother in this case is 'allowed' to tell who she wants too about the pregnancy and the father appears to be being constrained.

I'm just glad it wasn't like this for our parents.

Smileless2012

Why? You haven't agreed that the comment about the OP sounding downright evil is completely rude and uncalled for, in fact you seem to have completely ignored it. So whose playing the side game?

Are you being deliberately obtuse? You know full well I was sarcastically referring to the daughter in law being evil, for the very reasons that preceded the evil quip. If you want a straw man argument, perhaps someone else can provide the fodder.

Is this her first baby ?? I understand your feelings, now imagine hers and her levels of anxiety ? At least your son told you, just go along with it and in time I’m sure things will change. Yes it is THEIR baby, but it’s her body and her Mum and daughters often share much more with Mum’s than mum-in-laws

Don’t feel hurt she is probably scared and does want anyone to know there is a problem,just support her as much as you can,ask if there is anything she would like for the baby etc.
When the baby arrives be careful first time Mum will be sensitive,than as time goes on ask what you can do to help,once you get that baby in your arms it will all be worth the stress.
Over the years stories of mother-in-laws abound so most girls are probably worried about the future with a terrible MIL
just prove that your not that one !You have so much fun and love ahead.

Bluedaisy

Moaningturtle I understand exactly where you’re coming from, I had exactly the same problem with my DS & DDL! Her mother is a narcissist and I didn’t realise that at the time and she didn’t want me knowing anything about the pregnancy. It’s hurtful and cruel because probably the same as you I only wanted to be involved! All I can suggest is maybe do the same as I did (which didn’t work for me but might for you 🤞) is ask DS to have a word with his wife and say as the child’s grandmother you would like to be involved if possible and if there’s anything you can do for her. Maybe invite them to dinner or ask her out for lunch and tell her you’re looking forward to becoming a gran and ask her how she’s doing? Ask your son if he’s lost his backbone too on the quiet and explain to him you’re not going to give her advice, you just would like to enjoy the pregnancy with them. My DDL’s mother completely tried to get me out of the picture when my DGS was born even though she didn’t know me! There’s not a lot you can do unfortunately only ask her why she’s not wanting to involve you and see what she says but trust me when I say hindsight is a wonderful thing because nowadays I’d let them get on with it. When I look back it cost me too many sleepless nights, too much upset and stress and she wasn’t worth that! Hopefully it will work for you to talk to them about the problem, good luck.

Perfect example of a bitter mother in law providing poisonous, toxic “advice”.

“Ask your son if he has lost his backbone”

“Ask your son to have a word with his wife”

This is a prime example of the mother in law causing problems by inserting herself into the middle of a young couple’s life-journey. You want her to emasculate her son so that he feels defensive and has to prove to her that he can stand up to his wife, because his mother wants something? How do any of you know this man finds it problematic to respect his wife’s right to privacy? This is toxic, manipulative behavior. Why is it assumed that just because his mum wants something, he must ensure to make it happen despite his wife’s wishes? Stop assuming his mother and his wife need to be equally considered in this pregnancy. This is the problem here smh.

And this is how estrangement happens

Of course it was Hithere. Any potential problems could affect their child and you've just posted about mutual input, collaboration and coordinating, or is that another way of saying only what the mother wants to be shared and with whom is all that matters.

Sorry if this has already been suggested (haven't read all 9 pages) but has the OP tried asking her daughter-in-law directly? eg "how did the scan go?"

I find it disappointing to read such extreme views on this issue showing a huge polarisation of support - the fact is that there are several perspectives to be considered and accommodated and the sooner markers are put down the better. We see many gransnetters expressing sadness that as the paternal or sometimes maternal gps they feel sidelined. This is where it starts - in the pregnancy. Sure the mother has guardianship of the foetus in a physical way but emotionally she doesn’t have the ownership. In this situation it would be good for the parents to talk in advance of the birth of the baby about how the respective gps will feel towards their new gc and to set some understanding. It does seem strange that the father will ‘get into trouble’ for doing something that the mother has already done - seems a little one-sided.

Of course that's what most GP's mean when they say they want to be involved eddiecat. There are of course always examples of the extreme, but this certainly isn't one of those.

It wasn't his info to share

No,it isn't a foreign concept. "not just one party makes the decision and the other has no input on that" is the point some of us are trying to make.

The OP's son has been accused of betraying his wife because he gave her some information that his wife after the event, told him she didn't want his mother to know. Where is the mutual "input"and "collaboration and coordinating" between this couple? I don't see any.

I think that when most grandparents say the would like to be involved in the pregnancy they mean that they are interested to know how it is progressing and they want to support BOTH parents as best they can - nothing more sinister, or intrusive, than that. As I previously said, if a MIL doesn't show an interest she will very likely to criticised for that too!
I think it is very sad if the Son is now

I knew it would be a foreign concept

Both parents decide what info is shared with whom - not just one party makes the decision and the other has no input on that

I guess collaboration and coordinating with your partner is not a priority as long as there is a child involved and a grandparent who wants to be "involved" - whatever involved subjectively means

Exactly OddOne.

@Hithere "It is up to the parents to decide who knows what". You are correct, it is up to the PARENTS, plural, to decide. It's THEIR child, not just hers, so the father has a much right as she does to seek reassurance from his mother. As you obviously must agree with a those are you're words above....

If you don't want to be told that at times you defend the
undefendable VS then it would be better not to say that others do so.

I haven't seen anyone say people are "against MILS". My initial response was to Grams2five who suggested that my perception was perhaps coloured by my personal experience. I said I felt the same way about some of the replies to the OP, and I do.

I agree with what you say about double standards, which is why I do my best to avoid them. Clearly we have our own opinions as to what we consider are justified and unjustified comments which is to be expected during the course of a discussion.