Childcare

I said "no" in your position (about 8 years ago) and although my son and daughter-in-law couldn't understand why I said no (and were a bit surprised and disgruntled) they quickly got over it and sorted it out without me.

I still help out in an emergency of course and occasionally at weekends.

But no feelings of regret!

Don't feel bad.

Dont forget it is not just about reducing your working hours and thereby your income but also the knock-on affect on any occupational pension you are accruing...

My friend/neighbour has looked after her granddaughter since she was born. I think she is 13 now.

There have been many, many occasions when she has been unable to come to events or afternoon teas and days out because she was babysitting and she does resent that but she daren’t say No to her daughter.

Even now the granddaughter is 13, her Mum insists she goes round to Grandmas when she gets off the school bus! So she still has to be there.

they have also now got a dog but they both work so Grandma has to go over twice during the day and let the dog out!
I think it’s very unfair.

If course you are not being unreasonable! Your job is important.
Just explain, she will get over it , GPs do so much and often the demands are far too great -: regardless of the age of the GPs. Their child their responsibility, I am hearing this story so often. I have done childcare 1 day a week over the years - but I was retired and was happy to do it. If a GP is not happy to do it for whatever reason they must say no !!

Thank you all so much for taking the time to reply. Having the conversation with daughter on Friday and it’s definitely a no! Wish me luck 🍀

Good luck, let us know how you get on.

Good luck Bunp, you have made your decision - be brave! Keep us posted please. Tell your daughter your job is important and you need to work .

Bunp - even if it doesn't go too well, please don't say "yes" if you feel "no".

It's easy to offer more (later) if you want, but SO hard to undo what is agreed under pressure.

My son and daughter-in-law quickly "forgave" me and are really happy when I do offer help!
🤞all will go well.

I’m with everyone. Don’t do it . And don’t feel guilty . If you do it out of guilt you well resent it .

My friend is always counted on (by her large family) to babysit at short notice, be carer to her mother, run errands, shop and sort out bills/paperwork/appointments etc. All that - simply because she's not working - so they think she has all the time in the world. She doesn't have a life of her own - so beware!

Whether you are 52 or 72 it is still a decision only you can make.Some of us feel duty bound to help our kids and are not very good at doing or saying what we actually want to do. Just be honest about why you are finding it a hard decision to make. She may already realise its a tough ask.

Just read that you have made your choice. There are lots of ways to support our working kids without sacrificing our own needs. Yes I do wish you luck!

Good luck and hold your nerve. We’re all behind you. 💐

I was a nurse and worked shifts, I had to stop while my children were young. I had to make the sacrifice of doing without the money when the children were young. It's part of life .

She’s the parent. Her responsibility

Just say you have checked with your boss who has said you can't cut your hours ... end of conversation

It's unreasonable of your DD to expect you not only to travel but also to expect you to cut your hours at work resulting in a loss of earnings. All good if you can afford/want to but at aged 52 you've another 15 years until state retirement. Just explain and say no. Good luck

Less money or not …I would never knock back a chance to care for one of my grandkids …you’ll never get that 19 month old back ….I looked after my two 2-3 days per week …worked 24 hours …and had an dementing husband ….demanding yes….but I would NEVER have given up the opportunity to be part of their early lives …. my husband is now in care ….my two grandkids are 11 and 16 and no longer in need of ‘looking after’….I’m so glad I had the opportunity to say “yes”. Those kids ‘ love me to bits’…I’m in contact through texting …they can talk about anything with me …and we have such an affectionate relationship …I’d never say no …especially for money!

@saggi it’s great that you were able to be there to support your husband and grandchildren, you could enjoy it and that you could afford to do so without worrying about the money. I realise you were exhausted after caring for the children for 24 hours and looking after your husband- were you also having to work a 5 day 40 hour week demanding job for an employer on top of all that? Did you get any down time for yourself at all? I assume you were able to claim carers allowance etc for your husband and the pension contributions that go with it? It’s not a lot but it’s something that the op can’t do.
Regarding money, there’s a difference between cutting back a little and affording to live. Unfortunately many of us do not have anything to cut down on. Giving up a full day’s pay (if our employers will allow it) or our full holiday allowance as in the OPs case, is not something to consider lightly especially with the current cost of living crisis. Paying rent and bills leaves many people cutting back on food and heating. Did you miss the fact that the op’s former partner (DDs dad) is not living with her so she’s probably solely responsible for all of her household expenses.
Add the OPs need to afford travel to and from her daughters home (an hour and a half minimum plus waiting for buses etc won’t be cheap) her loss of a day’s wages, pension contributions- state and occupational - it can negatively affect her whole life.
That’s before the exhaustion is added.
And the expectations and additional childcare for emergencies over the next 16 years before retirement. The loss of status at work if she drops a day, the promotions she won’t be considered for.
Yes the rewards are great, but so is the sacrifice.

Even if your daughter pays you for your time and pays your petrol, you are quite reasonable in saying no.

Why should your employer be willing to do without you one day a week, when hers obviously needs her to come in on Fridays?

In your place I would tell anyone that made such a request, "Sorry, love, no can do. I'll lose my job if I start taking a day a week off." (whether I would or not).

No she is not being reasonable! Your job is as important as hers why does she think you should drop your income to accommodate her!

Hetty58

My friend is always counted on (by her large family) to babysit at short notice, be carer to her mother, run errands, shop and sort out bills/paperwork/appointments etc. All that - simply because she's not working - so they think she has all the time in the world. She doesn't have a life of her own - so beware!

My children expect the same and in case of youngest DD much much much more! And I am still in my 50’s and work, however because I work from home they assume I can accommodate them too!

Sorry- say ‘no’. We live too far away to provide childcare and it is not expected. However we do make a standing order towards childcare ( be aware it comes out of your inheritance tax, so worth it ). We’re both retired, but would find it hard in any case to be really active with little ones. Where did this sense of entitlement come from? You’ve already brought up your own children and juggled childcare yourselves.

Well, just as she is (presumably) unable to pay for childcare for this extra time at work, she should understand the concept of not being able to afford to miss work! I’d definitely tell her I couldn’t afford to miss that much time at work.

YANBU but your daughter is! I work 3 days a week, tutor in FE so very stressful. Have 3yo GS every Thursday for 12 hours. New baby due any day with expectation that I will help with him too once DIL returns to work. Constantly reminding my DS that I do this as a favour, it's not my job. My mum would have told me to sod off and look after my own kids.