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Comparing Oneself

(37 Posts)
LouLou23 Sat 09-Sept-23 22:00:45

As I've gotten older I've accepted both my failures and my accomplishments, as well as how my appearance has changed. I have gotten into a habit now of comparing myself to people from my past who have aged better, look better, are relatively healthy, are still happily married, have meaningful work, beautiful children and grandkids. For me, I was married to a Minister and as a result I did alot of teaching, counseling as his wife. After he had a moral failing, we ended up divorcing and the people who were our friends and peers basically never called. It was an uphill journey for me as a single mother who basically was along raising my small children. At some point I wanted to do the right thing and telephoned the head Minister he had been working for to apologize for what had happened. Instead of asking how we were or how I was faring, he told me that I was a terrible minister's wife. After 30 years it still echoes through my mind. I always put my babies first and not the church. I also disagreed with some things but never said anything. I did put my family first and admittedly did not meet the expectations he and his wife had of me which I didn't even know existed. I didn't entertain properly and didn't attend all 3 church services every week, mostly because I was exhausted or crying due to my husband's behavior. Many of the people who we knew and some our peers grew up in the church and I'm not sure could survive outside of its cacoon. I didn't and as a result found some practices odd and not respectful of other religions. Now in my mid 60's I looked up some of the people from those days who we worked with. I found myself astonished that they are still doing the same thing while living a very comfortable lifestyle as the churches they are working in are the mega church type. The wives are beautiful and the husbands are handsome and daunt on them (at least on the surface - these are online videos of them mind you) I feel like I look 10 years older than they and like a failure. Has anyone else done this as well? How did you pull yourself out of it?

madeleine45 Mon 11-Sept-23 21:38:28

we all have our good and bad points , but I think these people from your past are not the ones to be in touch with, especially as they are so critical ( and should probably look at themselves in the mirror before they say anything else) They do not show a christian way of behaving at all and I think that you might feel much better getting involved with new people , possibly new hobbies or groups which have no connection to these people from the past. It can be hard looking outside your groups but it does not sound as though they have been at all helpful to you in the past so looking elsewhere would be more positive. Naturally people put their best picture or occasion on show and are less likely to talk about or show their failures, but they are human and of course will have made their own mistakes in the past. We used to say take the story with a pinch of salt, well now we need to say take the emails or pictures on line with an equal amount of salt. Just think , when you look back at photos from throughout your life, you are nearly always smiling or dressed in your best for a wedding or whatever. But only looking at those pictures and nothing else would not give a true view of the whole of your life. That applies to everyone. You have brought up your family and now is a time to look and see what you would like to do and go ahead and give it a go. Good luck with the future

Urmstongran Mon 11-Sept-23 21:55:33

Comparing ourselves to others is fatal. You can easily disappear down a rabbit hole doing that. Learn to love the life you have. That way lies contentment if not happiness.

You can’t buy peace of mind. x

fluttERBY123 Mon 11-Sept-23 21:56:43

I know someone who is constantly looking at what others have and wanting to have what they have and more. Comparing themself with others. It's not something I've ever done. I have what I have and they have what they have. Interesting but that's them and I am me.
The other day I read somewhere "comparison kills joy". Thought provoking. In other words, enjoy what you do have.
My grandfather used to say "If you haven't got what you like, like what you've got." That's probably a bit more difficult though.

biglouis Mon 11-Sept-23 21:58:12

As I’ve grown older (disgracefully) I’ve stopped giving a damn about what others think

Agree 100%. Ive put a huge amount into the community throgh the work Ive done and the taxes Ive paid and I dont owe any one the right to tell me what to do. Within the law I go my own way, look and dress as I want.

I appreciate how in some states the church is the very center of the community in a way that it no longer is here in UK. Is there not another smaller church you can join where people do not know and judge you?

Wiser Mon 11-Sept-23 22:49:08

Have you read the Desiderata poem..it is beautiful and advises not comparing yourself with others.there will always be those weaker and stronger than you.

kwest Mon 11-Sept-23 22:53:17

You are enough. Yes be true to yourself.
I cannot comprehend the simple-minded snobbery of the people who judged you so harshly and unfairly. They are false people who do not deserve your time being wasted in thinking about them.
Put them behind you and move forward just being the good and decent person you know yourself to be.

Allsorts Mon 11-Sept-23 23:35:48

Lou, it sounds a s if you were almost in a vict or a very strict judgemental community. I remember once in New Engkand being in a church, White and pretty but all the owes were designed do you couldn't see your neighbour, I had the audacity to say toma very handsome guy, how strange having a church where no one saw each other, his reply, Ma'am we come to worship the Lord not look upon each other, not a hint of friendliness or humour, it sent a shiver through me. Turns out he was the Minister, heaven help the congregation.Who the heck did he think he was? I afraid if I had been in his company we would have argued, felt extremely glad not to live in that suffocating place despite the beauty if it. . You broke away from people who were false, despite their superior view of being extremely religeous.
Do not ever think you are not good enough, everyone is , be thankful you did a good job raising four children, I hope they appreciate you. So What if your face bears some lines and you look a bit older than your contempories, I look at a person and see the kindness, not wrinkles . I notice how they treat others, that's what matters, how you make others feel in your company. Be proud you gave your family a better life away from those dreadful people, why you sought their approval I don't know. Life got you, font look back, you did it.

Mamasperspective Tue 12-Sept-23 13:36:34

Firstly that head Minister should not be in the position he is in and should be ashamed of himself - talk about victim blaming!

Your husband had the moral failing so please do not listen to those archaic and misogynistic views! I feel sorry for that head Ministers wife having to live with such an imbecile!

You have raised children and for that alone should have a lot of pride in yourself.

Secondly (I take a quote from social media) "May their lives be as awesome as they pretend they are on Facebook"

There are so many filters on phones and it's easy to smile on pictures yet be in battles behind closed doors. However these women look, I guarantee isn't an accurate representation of the reality of their lives.

If you spend all your time looking in the rear view mirror, you miss all the beautiful scenery around you now and you forget to look forward to what lies ahead - leave the past in the past and create every ounce of happiness in your life that you can.

Don't like where you are? You are not a tree so move! Don't like your hair? Book an appointment for a new style! Don't like your wardrobe? Book a (no obligation) personal shopper and try some new styles you would not have considered before! Don't like your features? Book a lesson with a make-up artist and learn to enhance your natural beauty!

All this is not about how you look, it's about what makes you feel good and boosts your confidence.

Keep your chin held high and remember that a smile is the most beautiful accessory you can wear.

mabon1 Wed 13-Sept-23 17:02:54

Just stop comparing yourself, you can't do anything about it, all that is water under the bridge now. Enjoy the time you have .

LouLou23 Fri 15-Sept-23 17:44:24

wellbeck Absolutely YES. Stepford wives is the perfect analogy. Thank you for that very illustrative and accurate reminder!!! Perfect. :-)

LouLou23 Fri 15-Sept-23 17:53:09

Thank you for ALL of your fabulous perspectives!!! I found I couldn't respond to each there were so many, but wanted to tell you that EACH one helped so much. Fellow Grans can be the best advisors! I actually received a call from one of these people I spoke of out of blue this week after writing this.
It was an opportunity to speak up and speak the truth, which I was able to do due to the confidence I gained from you all.
Thanks again so much.