DIL is hurt According to my Son

I forgot

Ignoring the wife's contributions and sacrifices and taking her for granted

Financial implications - they cannot afford it, for example, so you "come to the rescue"

Implications wife might not approve of expense so he is using your loophole - aka "she is controlling "

He doesn't spend the marital funds on items you think he deserves

Etc

Bad move getting in the middle of the couple, no matter what the good intentions were

Hithere

1. He is an adult that could very well treat himself if he wanted to
2. Working hard is part of life - not a extreme hardship very few people experience
3. Giving him a cash reward for functioning like an adult is infantilizing him
I am glad a pp also mentioned that
4. Excluding his wife has very loud unspoken connotations that meddle in their marriage.
Why cant your son use the marital funds to treat himself?
Why reward one party and not the other?

Can you explain in further detail number 4? What connotations does it have?

1. He is an adult that could very well treat himself if he wanted to
2. Working hard is part of life - not a extreme hardship very few people experience
3. Giving him a cash reward for functioning like an adult is infantilizing him
I am glad a pp also mentioned that
4. Excluding his wife has very loud unspoken connotations that meddle in their marriage.
Why cant your son use the marital funds to treat himself?
Why reward one party and not the other?

Sara1954

Flowersinthegarden
No I don’t think so, I wouldn’t have been bothered about the money, but I would have felt she was interfering.
Out of curiosity, what did you hope he might spend it on?

How is it interfering to give my son some cash? I didn’t have a particular item in mind just something special for himself to treat himself whether that be something towards a hobby of his or a nice meal.

Flowersinthegarden
No I don’t think so, I wouldn’t have been bothered about the money, but I would have felt she was interfering.
Out of curiosity, what did you hope he might spend it on?

Sara1954

I was thinking that if my mother in law had done this I would have been very annoyed, to be fair, I think he would have just given it to me to put in the bank anyway.
I think it was a very provocative thing to do.

No judgment but why would you be very annoyed if your MIL gave a check to her own son? Is it because you weren’t included?

I was thinking that if my mother in law had done this I would have been very annoyed, to be fair, I think he would have just given it to me to put in the bank anyway.
I think it was a very provocative thing to do.

However once you give a gift it becomes the property of the recipient to dispose of as they wish. You cant specify how they spend it.

As DH keeps reminding me!

Flowersinthegarden

Norah, it wouldn’t let me quote you but what were your thoughts on my DIL’s reaction? You said all a parent can do is hope does that mean you can hope they don’t spend it on their spouse?

I meant parents can hope, not demand. A gift is a gift.

For example: we hope our daughters are wise enough by their 60s and 40s to not waste, but we'll not dictate their choices.

Norah, it wouldn’t let me quote you but what were your thoughts on my DIL’s reaction? You said all a parent can do is hope does that mean you can hope they don’t spend it on their spouse?

biglouis

My nephew (who does a lot for me) has a birthday in December so I gave him some money vis bank transfer as a combined xmas/birthday gift. I know he will have given some of it to a mate whom I dont particularly like. He is a soft touch and his mate is a bit of a scrounger. However once you give a gift it becomes the property of the recipient to dispose of as they wish. You cant specify how they spend it.

We give to all 4 of our daughters generously, what they do with the money is of no mind to us. They'll own my husband's business over time - business ownership does matter. A gift is a gift, all a parent can do is hope.

Nope my gift went into my daughter’s sole not joint accounts. It’s up to them what they do with the money

Iam64

Good to read this is resolved. I gave both my daughters what most would consider a chunk of money at the beginning of December. Paid it directly into their sole, not joint, bank accounts. I’m keeping savings in reserve in case I need care/house maintenance but decided they need some of their inheritance now. They work hard, I remember those years with young children and never quite enough cash.
I know they’ll spend wisely with an occasional treat. Their husbands are appreciative

Right but you meant the check to be for both of them I’m sure you wouldn’t have minded if their husbands got some as well. I should have presented the check as a couple gift since they are both contributing and working hard in different ways

tickingbird

I’m with rafichgran on this. DIL needs to grow up. If there’s a great relationship and this is a very rare occasion when a mother wants to treat her son so what? They aren’t a unit; they are two individuals. If the OP was excluding DIL regularly then it would be wrong but she isn’t.

That’s along the lines of how I feel deep down like Jesus I can’t treat just my son one time when I always include my DIL. However I can definitely see after reading what PPs have to say as presenting the check just to my son and telling him to only spend it on himself because he works hard can look like I am also not appreciating my DIL’s efforts in what my son working hard leaves her which is alone in the house more often or doing more of the housework/cooking by herself. She felt like her role in all of this wasn’t acknowledged.

What are your thoughts on what my DIL said when she expressed her feelings to me? Saying she felt like her contribution wasn’t appreciated or overlooked. I’m glad she felt comfortable enough to do so and was honest with me instead of holding her feelings in.

biglouis

My nephew (who does a lot for me) has a birthday in December so I gave him some money vis bank transfer as a combined xmas/birthday gift. I know he will have given some of it to a mate whom I dont particularly like. He is a soft touch and his mate is a bit of a scrounger. However once you give a gift it becomes the property of the recipient to dispose of as they wish. You cant specify how they spend it.

I absolutely love my DIL though so I feel so bad I ever offended her. From now on I will give the money jointly. In your case you don’t like your nephew’s partner so it’s a little different

I can't help feeling the dil's offence was at least in part caused by her husband stupidly telling her what his mum had stupidly said. As I said above, he could easily have avoided his wife feeling hurt and have spoken to his mum privately if he felt she might do something equally insensitive in future.

OP - I think you need to take a deep breath, go for a walk and release some of this negative energy.

You did not intend to offend your DIL, but the fact is that you have. You have to accept that as a fact of life and deal with it accordingly. She needs an apology - she needs you to say that you can see this was thoughtless and that you hope your son will find something good to spend the money on that will benefit them both.

But - you need to be in the right frame of mind to do this - not still feeling aggrieved about it - or your apology will come across in the wrong way and make things worse. Hence my sggestion that you should take yourself off for a walk first.

Exactly well put biglouis

My nephew (who does a lot for me) has a birthday in December so I gave him some money vis bank transfer as a combined xmas/birthday gift. I know he will have given some of it to a mate whom I dont particularly like. He is a soft touch and his mate is a bit of a scrounger. However once you give a gift it becomes the property of the recipient to dispose of as they wish. You cant specify how they spend it.

Flowersinthegarden

Ok good to know. Now that my son is married the hard work I put into raising him doesn’t matter, my relationship with him doesn’t matter, and I’m never allowed to have an individual relationship with him again because well he has a wife and that’s the only relationship that matters.

Hope you would say the same for mothers and daughters when the daughters get married.

Don't be over dramatic, your son is the man you made him, but motherhood is not a commercial transaction - I invest this much money, and effort into my children when they are young and then when they grow up it is pay back time.

It is perfectly possible to continue to have a personal relationship with your son, butwithout cutting out your DiL.

I talk to my son onnthe phone, some times we will vsit places where we have a shared interest, but always happy to have DDiL with us, if sh wants to come.

I also have times alone with my Dil, when we go off to do something we enjoy, but neither of hour DHs do.

I'm glad you've come to a decision, Flowersinthegarden

Of course, when you make a will, your sons will probably be your heirs but this time you gave him a gift for working hard. Presumably, when he was at work, your DIL was left on her own more so treating them both would have been the best thing to do.

Good to read this is resolved. I gave both my daughters what most would consider a chunk of money at the beginning of December. Paid it directly into their sole, not joint, bank accounts. I’m keeping savings in reserve in case I need care/house maintenance but decided they need some of their inheritance now. They work hard, I remember those years with young children and never quite enough cash.
I know they’ll spend wisely with an occasional treat. Their husbands are appreciative

Sorry, half asleep and didn’t read the full thread.

I’m with rafichgran on this. DIL needs to grow up. If there’s a great relationship and this is a very rare occasion when a mother wants to treat her son so what? They aren’t a unit; they are two individuals. If the OP was excluding DIL regularly then it would be wrong but she isn’t.