DIL is hurt According to my Son

Apologise unreservedly!
If your son had been working so hard that you felt he deserved a treat, I'm thinking your daughter-in-law would have been home alone more than usual as well.
A cheque to your son yes, but with the suggestion that he used it to treat his wife to a meal out somewhere nice together 😊
Don't come between them.

Why is it though I can’t just treat my son individually once in a blue moon?

Does he cease to still be an individual after he gets married?

Sure you can give something to just your adult son, but then don’t tell him how to use it. Surely that’s up to him? I’m sorry but when you think about this from the other side it does look a bit rude of you. Why “just for himself” he’s a married man and in a marriage you share nice things you have.

Be careful, or you may end up estranged if you choose to take on your DIL. It happens a lot. Apologise and say you didn’t realise how it came across, that you didn’t mean it like that and give her a gift and several personal compliments.

Well I have recently booked a day out on a special day out for my son and me. It is for his birthday and a treat for me too. I never thought about including his wife. They often do things separately as well as together. Now I am hoping she hasn’t taken offence!

My son very often works ridiculously long hours but I wouldn’t dream of rewarding him for it now that he’s married. He’s not my little boy any more and your son isn’t yours, he’s a married man. As V3ra said, his wife will have suffered from his absence. You should have treated both of them, not just him, if you absolutely had to make a thing of it. Hard work is a fact of life - he’s not a child who’s done well in his exams, but effectively that’s how you’ve treated him. I hope you learn from this and can repair the damage. Incidentally, you may get on extremely well with your daughter in law and that’s great, but she’s not your ‘long term bf’.

I think the problem is that you have specified it is just for him..

There was no need to do that...

It has been received as "this is just for you, she can't have any" and perceived as an insult

I would apologise, and say it hasn't come across as intended

So you agree it’s ok to just give my son a check just for him once in a while? Or to do things just for him as an individual? I don’t always have to treat them like a unit?

Or do you do something special for your DIL too? And treat them equal and believe that if you do for your son you should do for your DIL?

I see everyone’s point that I should treat them equally and that my son is married. I will apologize to both my son and DIl and say I had no malicious intent with the check just wanting to do something nice for my son and then offer to treat my DIl to lunch or dinner one day soon if she would like to do that. I don’t want to ruin the great relationship I have with my DIL

What do you mean by my DIl isn’t my long term bf? I never said she was…

They ARE a unit. Stop treating him individually. If you want to get him something, give it to them both. Giving his wife a gift is also giving him a gift in the sense that it makes the woman he loves happy?

What you did clearly was wrong on this occasion because it offended your dil even if you didn't mean it to.

Stop thinking about "your rights" with regard to your son. That's obviously, given the result this time, going to cause problems. Wouldn't you rather avoid that?

It doesn't matter whether dil is 'right' or 'wrong' on this. What matters is that she felt excluded. Whether she should have felt excluded is beside the point.

So, yes, treat them as a unit.

In short, learn from your mistake.

I agree with the OP,if she wants to treat her son she can do so. I treat my daughter and son sometimes and not their partners, and the partners would not expect it.
What is it these days with people being hurt about things like that, the wife is looking to be offended. It's tiresome and time consuming having to think things through before doing something nice in case it offends.
I am lucky my adult son and daughter have partners who are grown ups.
I don't overthink and neither do they, we just get on with it, works for us and there is no angst or stress. Do not apologise OP, you have no reason too.

Perhaps you meant you and your long term boyfriend? If so apologies but I read it as I said.

I think that mothers treating their sons without including their spouses shows that they are trying to cling on to a relationship which has changed on marriage. Trying to keep a part of them. Cabbie having a meal with her son is very different to sending your son a cheque for you to spend on just yourself dear. You have excluded your daughter in law from the special treat you feel your son alone deserves and treated him as a little boy who should have a reward from Mummy. Stop considering that you still own him or you will be on the road to estrangement.

Have you ever sent your dil a cheque to say how much you appreciate the way she works hard? I can see why she felt hurt. Maybe she, too, thought you both had a great relationship and now realises that you don't think of her in the same way as you do your son. I agree with an earlier poster. Apologise unreservedly. I wouldn't ask her if she wanted to go out for lunch or something. It might look as if you felt you ought to include her in something.

Why reward an adult for doing something that is sometimes expected of them?

We all have to work hard and long hours - it is part of life

Why a check?
It is a weird reward as if the couple may not have enough money he can spend on himself without his wife's approval, a very suspicious reward based on the couple's financial situation?

I agree with the comments from pp about the impact of those work hours on the dil

I frequently buy my son gifts, as he does a great deal for me. I don't buy his wife something to keep things equal. The reason I buy something I know he wants avoids cash or cheques disappearing into the household budget. I certainly don't think I still own him, not sure I ever did but it demonstrates how much I appreciate him.

I wonder if the son thought his wife was deliberately being excluded? He could, after all, just have paid the cheque into a bank account, spent it on his wife and himself, and said it was a gift from his mum if wife asked him about it.

I do not want to cling to my son and I always buy the new football shirt of his team every August as a Chistmas present, they are expensive, and I don't include my sons partner, she is pleased I do it as it is a family tradition.
I don't see alot of my son as I am South and he is way up North,we don't text everyday either. We have no problems about what we give to each other.
I also treat them as grown ups and individuals not as a unit. It does not matter why this Mother gave the check for her son only, she has that right and the reason is hers.

I agree, on a personal level, raficha, but the OP is dealing with what she sees as an actual problem because her world hasn't worked like that. 🤷🏻‍♀️

What’s your reason for not treating your DIL as well? If your son is helping you out and taking time away from his marriage doesn’t she deserve a little something from her MiL as well?

What if your found out your DIl was hurt by this? Would you acknowledge her as well?

So you think I have the right to gift just to my son and not together as a married unit even though it’s money? How should I address that to my DIL since my son confirmed she is hurt by that and wonders why she wasn’t included as his wife and as my DIL? And my DIl is acting hurt as well?

What’s your reason for not opening up your family tradition to your son’s so? Not saying you should but maybe I can use that explanation for my dil

I would go out for lunch with just my daughter but if giving a cheque it would be for them as a couple. I certainly would not have specified that it was just for your son, they must be wondering why you did that.