Dilemma on Christmas Day

Cabbie they don't want you to be on your own on Christmas day. If you don't want to go too the pub don't go. They will understand if you say you want to stay in their house.
My last Christmas with my husband was 2003. It was his favourite time of the year. After the children left home for good in 2006 both came home for Christmas that year after that my daughter came on the 23rd and went home 27th my son came 31st December and went home 2nd January. As they didn't want me to be alone for Christmas and new year.

I have only spend on Christmas day on my own since then . My daughter and son in law had the keys to their first house 6 weeks before Christmas and wanted to get work done on it.

I had been prepared to spend Christmas day by myself since they moved out but they didn't want me to be alone. My brother invited to his for that Christmas but I said no. I had a nice day on my own but it wasn't special.

In the new year my daughter phoned to say we have painted your room green hope you will like it. So from then my son or usually my daughter came for me as I lived over 100 miles away and I came home on the 27th. I used to alternate between having Christmas day with my daughter and son in law and son and daughter in law.

2019 I moved closer to them. Had my last boxing day with my son , daughter in law and 2 grandson's. I was due to have Christmas day with them but my son said he would be to tired which I knew was a lie. But let it go. My daughter wouldn't let me be on my own so I had it with them. I was supposed to have boxing day at my son and daughter in law's but he asked if they could come to me and bring all the food. My daughter in law only spoke to me if I asked a question and sat crocheting all day. But I was happy to be with them and playing with my grandsons .

In May 2020 my son estranged me via email. His choice I never saw it coming.

I always have Christmas day with my daughter and family.

Sorry Cabbie this is long winded but your family are worried about you and from now on you won't spend a Christmas day on your own. As they would worry about you and they want it to be special.

I made a pact with myself. I am allowed to get upset on Christmas Eve if I need to and boy did I for well over 10 years but never Christmas day.

Cabbie for once I am giving you advice instead of you giving it to me. Enjoy yourself on Christmas day and do that for yourself and your husband. Like me you feel half of you is missing unfortunately in my experience that never fades but gets worse as the years go but. I will never be whole again But we are lucky to have loved and been loved in return. Some people live their whole lives and never find the other half of themselves we had that. Grief is the price we pay for loving. My husband like yours was the only person who knew the real you and you him. And that is priceless.

oh, just go. something different. you may enjoy it!

Can you not just stay at their house with TV/radio/book while they’re at the pub?

Personally I think a 3 pm Christmas dinner is perfectly reasonable - we never had ours before around then, and nowadays it’ll be more like 5 pm - people are that much more ready for it.

They are being very kind and thoughtful.
Perhaps telling you what the day will be like is a way of letting you choose what to join in with and they won't be put out if you choose not to go to the pub. Stay and watch the TV or read a book.
You might even feel you want to join them or if the pub is near leave when you have had enough, borrow a key and enjoy the walk back to their house. I would take a snack.
Enjoy your day.

I'd absolutely go with the flow, you might enjoy it!

Go with the flow but don't do what you don't want to. It's a good invitation - shows they care about you.

It will be sad Cabbie but good to have family around. I think dog walking is the best solution and I'm sure the dog will enjoy it too. I'm sure the day will be better than you anticipate.

I’m so sorry many I’d you are having to cope with sad Christmas situations.

I’d go as planned, Cabbie but if I didn’t fancy the pub the dog walk is a perfect excuse or you could offer to do last minute tasks with the Christmas meal - lay the table. Or simply say to your son that you’d like the quiet time while they’re out to just think about your Dh and times past. Take a snack with you, if you feel you can’t wait until 3pm to eat.

I hope you manage to enjoy the company of your family. Xx

If you are going to stay with someone as a guest and they have announced plans then out of politeness you more or less have to go with their meal times etc. However I am sure they will not be offended if you want to skip the pub and stay home alone or walk the dog (excellent suggestion). Not everyone enjoys pubs with their noise and bustle. There was a time when I tolerated them but I would run a mile now.

Cabbiew 21 go with the flow. I am without DH for this first Christmas and am going along with whatever my family want. Lucky to be always included. Enjoy.

The dog walk sounds perfect cabbie, suits everyone

I feel for you. I was 40 when DH1 died and I had 2 young daughters. Trying to make it nice for them kept me going. Someone told me not to approach it with high expectations would help and they were absolutely right. Things are generally better if you don’t expect a lot. My daughters are over 40 now and have their own traditions at Christmas now. I must embrace that if I want to be with them.

I think the dog walk is a great idea, Cabbie. Time for you to reflect as well as a kind gesture that doesn’t change their plans.

I'd go to arrive before they go to the pub so keeping the pub option open should you decide to give it a go. Could you walk back to your son's house from the pub if it goes on too long for you and rest until they arrive?

Is there anything you could help with while they're at the pub? Etc, etc.

Just wing it and enjoy yourself. As Iam64 said, it's a blessing to have thoughtful AC wanting to include you. All the best 🥰

Eazybee, they are young adults, ie 18+.

This will be my 3rd year of not doing the whole big Christmas meal. It's odd going from busy hostess to granny who's coming to lunch.
I've been told not to bring anything either as DDiL is so capable.
I used to give everyone some job to do or item to bring. crackers please uncle Bob and brandy butter Grandpa

Take the dog for a walk, definitely 😀 Cabbie. You may be starting a new tradition.
Have a lovely Christmas.

Just see how your feel on Christmas Day, go to the pub if you feel up to it, or take a good book or some magazines and out your feet up. Have a nice breakfast to keep you going til 3pm (we often eat our Sunday roast this late, as did my parents, & almost always have our Christmas lunch at this time) Whatever you do, I really hope you find some joy x

Will the young children be in the pub? Perhaps you could volunteer to stay at their home with them; if not and they are in the pub direct your attention to them.

Thank you for your thoughts.
I am certainly grateful for the invitation and don’t want them to feel they should do things differently, but this has caught me by surprise. I am glad they gave me the information in advance. I will either arrive later, which will give me time to have a light snack after church, or I may offer to take their dog for a walk whilst they are out.

I clearly remember the first Christmas without my OH, so do understand how hard this can be.

If you do not fancy the pub, then arrive a bit later after a small snack to keep you going. You need to think of you - of what will make it all easier for you.

I hope you are able to enjoy the company of your family - sending good wishes.

My sympathies.
I can fully understand why you might not feel comfortable in a busy, noisy pub, but for the rest of it, I would say go with the flow, be happy to have your family around you, they will be missing him too.
But for anybody who feels they would rather have a quiet day with their memories especially this first Christmas alone, feel free to explain gently that that is your genuine choice.

...who try to make it still feel like Christmas and include them.

(Posted too soon in error)

3pm sounds like a good time for Christmas Dinner in our house - but if it seems late to you why not have a light something at (say) noon to keep you going?

As others have said, you can "rest" if you don't fancy the pub - take a book to "rest" with.

You may find if you go mid/late morning you feel differently on the day itself. I'd keep that option open for now.

Change is always difficult if we have a "way" of doing things.
Yes, you could go later - but what would you do between (say)11 and 2.40 at home? Do you want to arrive, eat and leave?

A couple of hours before the pub sounds good to me. And frankly I'd leave the pub open 'till the day and see how it felt.

to all Gransnetters who are having to make not-so-welcome changes this year - and to all those family and friends who love us enough to try to make it

Cabbie21, l understand and emphasise with you. This will also be my first Christmas without my DH. I would do whatever makes you feel happy and comfortable. Just explain to your DS.
My son is expecting me to go to him, Ddil and dgd. We have always done this since our granddaughter was born. To be honest l don't know how l will get through the day.
Sometimes l think it's better to try and make new traditions.