Dilemma on Christmas Day

My 2 cents - ever since COVID, and the birth of my first, and probably only grandchild a little over 2 years ago, our holidays have been different every single year. This year my daughter has opted to spend Christmas Eve with the inlaws, Christmas Day at home just the three of them, and then come to us for 3 days. I have let go of what the ideal holiday is, and just am embracing being able to spend time with the three of them, especially my granddaughter. They grow so fast!

My point is, do what feels right for you, but remember that your family is also trying to do what is right for them, and just try to enjoy what you have.

Merry Christmas!

I agree with lots of posters. If, on the day, you don’t feel like going to the pub, stay at your son’s, in front of the TV with a Xmas drink and snacks, while they go to the pub. If done with a generous heart, it won’t come across as ‘bah humbug’, in fact, just the opposite - you’ll all be doing what you want to do whilst still spending Xmas day together.

Mallin, How truly awful for you and your children. It puts my problems into perspective. .I do hope you all have a good Christmas.

Cabbie, it will be very hard for you I know. Do agree with Marydoll. In future you can decide what’s right for you. It will mean a lot to him, you being with him and your family. It all went by in a bit of a blur for me.

I have the same problem.
My Dd wants us to join them in the pub on Christmas morning.
I know it will be noisy and crowded, also, we don’t particularly want a drink at that time either.

It’s either that or go over to them mid afternoon when the pub shuts.
I guess we’ll work something out, but I’m not looking forward to Christmas Day at all. I haven’t for a few years now.

It’s only because of my grandson that I bother.

Sorry to be a grouch, but my Dd is not the easiest of people to be around sometimes.

Happy Christmas to all grans, regardless.

I spent the first Christmas after my husband died, very pregnant and with 3 very young other children. Thinking it would result in giggles I asked them what they would like as a special Christmas meal. Expecting a yell of TURKEY.
Nope, it was egg and chips.
Would I fit in as an easy going Christmas visitor? Yes I would. I’d insist on being shown how to use their tv remote then insist on being left in front of the tv with it if they went to a pub.

I’d consider myself lucky to be invited…. I haven’t even had a card from my son…. 😢😢😢😢

March

I'd absolutely go with the flow, you might enjoy it!

Good advice ..

Have a virgin cocktail or a beer without alcohol or a glass of Champagne, and smile .. You shall meet people and perhaps a fascinating conversation. Keep positive !

Can be very worthwhile ..

I'm on my own this year, both DDs have invited me. Part of me wants to be at home on my own but part of me is inclined to go to DD2 (DH and I went to DD1 last year). The arrangement is that DD1 will take me to church, come back here for a coffee and then take me to DD2 so that we'll all see each other then DD2 will go back to her DH and family. Will I regret it if I stay at home along? Had I died first I would have wanted DH to be with his family and not home alone. Both DDs will be happy with whatever I decide.

I hope whatever you decide Cabbie you have a lovely day.

I think this sounds wonderful and you should accept with good grace at the least and you may even find you actually enjoy some parts (or even all) of it. I say this because you have not been to them before at Christmas and this indicates to me that they have given this matter thought and they actually WANT your company. It is not the sympathy vote because you are alone. Hallelujah! Perhaps you could arrive at the pub towards the end of that visit and more in time for the lunch? I'm trying so hard to be objective here as my reaction would certainly not have been yours. Good luck with whatever you decide. I hope you have a surprisingly lovely Christmas Day.

When I go to a child’s for christmas (or anyone’s come to that) I totally fit I with what they have arranged I don’t like having a meal at 3pm but if that’s what’s happening that’s what I do I m not really a pub person but if they were having a few drinks and I was invited I d go with a smile surely if they are good enough to want to involve you you owe it to them to at least pretend to enjoy it even if it’s not really your thing
Hope it’s not as bad as your are expecting

Pubs have a nice happy atmosphere - and you don't have to have alcohol - they usually offer non alcoholic cocktails etc.

What a lot of us there are who have lost our husbands this year!

My sympathy to you all.

I chose to refuse the kind invitations for Christmas with family or friends as they all involved travelling on public transport to the other end of the country and being away from home for two or three days.

I think all we can do is try to look moderately happy while we are with others and leave as early as possible if the memories start overwhelming us. That is my plan, as I shall be having Christmas dinner with a friend who is also alone.

I hope you all manage to get just a little enjoyment out of Christmas and the New Year, said she, who has just spent the last hour crying to Christmas music on the radio!

It's really lovely that your son has invited you .
Go with the flow even if it's not really your kind of Christmas .
I think that it's a generational thing !
My mother used to be incensed by late Christmas lunches and loud pubs !
I'm really hungry by that time and tend to snack a lot before the meal is served .

Never mind .

Enjoy it and have fun !

I think it’s lovely of them ..
Personally I’d go along with their plans, course this year is different and difficult for you, but you may find the Christmas atmosphere in the pub nicer than you thought
Sounds you have a lovely family
Do follow up how it went..
Hope you have a very happy Christmas x

Yes, I would go and share the day with them. itt will be hard to cope with the day wherever you are, so it could be good to have a totally different day to the day you would have shared with your husband. But you could perhaps begin a few new little rituals of your own. I was a keen gardener and so always had a walk round the garden and noted the flowers that were open on christmas day and again on new years day. If they have quite a big garden perhaps you might like to do something like that. The clever thing about that is you can choose when you announce you are going out for a wander. so if you suddenly feel very alone in the middle of the crowd you can say you are going out for a little wander. or if that really annoying son in law starts going on about something that you dont want to get involved in etc etc. I have done that for more than 20 years and now the RHS are glad of the information from everyone to see the climate change. But you can just write a note or take a photo of things as you go round. Then of course you can do the dog walking, or do the last minute checking on cooking, so that whoever is going to the pub doesnt have to keep checking.Also you might think of somewhere that was special to you and your husband and plan a trip on a different day that would be a special day for you to visit and think of him and your time together. One other suggestion - obviously not for this year - when my sister wanted a very quiet time having had a very busy period at work and just in desperate need of some peace and quiet. So she told group A that group B had invited her to their christmas, and of course told group B that A had invited her to their christmas. She didnt actually say she wasnt going to either and then had a very restful time at home just resting and enjoying everything she wanted to on her own.! You might really enjoy going to the family in your new version of christmas, but you could do something like that, or alternatively you might have a friend who will be on their own and you might choose a totally different christmas next year and go and stay somewhere different. Hope you find something that you are able to enjoy on the day. Best wishes

@marydoll, good advice but I really want to know if you're Scottish because of your user name? I love it

Cabbie 21- I think you’re very fortunate to be invited and your family seems to be accommodating you by asking what day and time you want to arrive. If you don’t want to go to the pub offer to stay behind and do some prep. Eating a little later seems a small price to pay for their hospitality.

Go as a son like that so thoughtful is a gift. Don’t upset him. I have three sons and would feel like you if this was my first Christmas without my dh. Don’t be difficult there will many Christmas’s to come for you and you will hopefully get better at dealing with them. Wishing you a peaceful Christmas.

Good decision Cabbie, enjoy your day.
Well done win a very caring way to spend your Christmas, helping others and keeping yourself occupied, the true spirit of the festive season.

You could be useful staying behind and getting the sprouts on or something so it will be ready to serve when they get back from the pub. It could work out a win/win

I'd go with a pair of wellies and a snack..take their dog for a walk and build up an appetite for your lovely Christmas meal. you could even take the dog out again after your late meal...to settle it.. have fun

My wonderful husband died nine years ago and for the 50 years we were married, I always put on Christmas dinner for all our family of the past, aunts, uncles, parents, nephews and nieces who have all now sadly died a long time ago. Ever since my husband died I have spent Christmas at one son's home or another son's home.

I now know what my old mum felt like when my dad died so many years ago when we did the same for her, inviting her to our home for Christmas and other occasions but until now I never realised that she felt like a parcel being past from pillar to post and felt like she was an inconvenience, even though I don't for one minute think our family think of me that way but that is what I feel like.

I will be going over to one of our sons on Christmas day morning, have lunch and then come back home about 5 in the afternoon. I can honestly say that once I am home, I can close the door, breathe a sigh of relief that it is now all over and settle down to doing what I want to do when I want to do it.

I do appreciate being invited on Christmas day, but until you lose the love of your life, it is a sad feeling, leaving the house on Christmas day for a few hours where we spent so many years of fantastic Christmases together and I am so grateful to be back home once again after it is all over with.

After all these years without my soulmate, I still say good morning love when I get up and when I go to bed I say goodnight love and when I go out shopping I say I won't be long and when I get home again I say, I am home love.

We never get over losing the love of our life but we do learn to live a different kind of life but it is not the life we thought we would end our days with.

It is my first year alone too, having been bereaved on 27th October. Both sides of the family have kindly invited me. I have however declined politely and said I would like to volunteer this year to keep busy and not to have to sit around with family who would feel obliged to make it lower key that they would normally do. I have already volunteered yesterday. I delivered food hampers all day, it was challenging but I felt so good and glad to be home when I finally arrived back here at 8pm. It showed me how the other half live too and how much we have to be grateful for. Tomorrow we will be laying the tables for 100+ guests and on Monday I will be ferrying guests about, serving lunch, ferrying guests back home, having my own lunch with other volunteers then clearing up. Perfect day which will enable me to keep my mind on the job.
I WISH EVERYONE WHO IS HAVING THEIR FIRST FESTIVE SEASON ALONE AS GOOD A TIME AS THEY CAN MAKE IT.

Taking their dog out sounds like a great plan! Have a lovely time xx