I’m on the other side of this

I suggest you thank her and apologise for over reacting.

Is there some kind of competition in the States to see how long an OP can keep a post going? surely this has run it's course...

Germanshepherdsmum

You seriously cannot figure out a reply for yourself? Funny, you said earlier you have been married for five years and together two before that. Someone’s maths is wrong.

It was a typo I meant 5 years but I’m trying to keep up with the posts. My apologies

Germanshepherdsmum

You don’t work as many hours as he does, ergo you have more free time (there is no mention of children to care for). And your personality comes across loud and clear in your posts. Thankfully, the polar opposite of my daughter in law.

It is not the case that all money ‘earned in a marriage’ should belong to both partners, unless divorce rears head. Many have separate accounts into which their earnings are paid. I assume you don’t.

I don’t view marriage as a tit for tat as you seem to do. Do you know what I do around the house when my husband is working those extra hours? I am cooking cleaning, being in charge of home repairs and overseeing this and planning for those. Sure I’m not being paid but I am contributing.

Financial income is now the only way to contribute to a marriage.

Yes we have one combined account and then each have our own as well but we have a mutual understanding that just because he works a few more hours and makes more than I do it’s not held above my head because we are married and my husband understands although apparently not my mil that I contribute in other areas.

Often times if anything the wife’s contributions yes even in 2023 are often overlooked known as unpaid labor.

You seem to make a lot of assumptions that my husband doesn’t get to spend anything on himself and that’s quite a leap to make. Where did I say that was the case?

You seriously cannot figure out a reply for yourself? Funny, you said earlier you have been married for five years and together two before that. Someone’s maths is wrong.

My mother in law just texted me and said she didn’t mean to upset me at all and that she always makes sure to treat us the same and do for us as a couple but that one time in the ten years we have been married she wanted to do something just for her son as she didn’t stop being his mother when he got married and that she understands he is a husband first and foremost and should be treated as a unit but once in a great while she wants to do something special just for him but that doesn’t mean she loves me any less as she feels she does special things for me when we text together and when we go out to lunch.

That we can use the money towards a date night or something to treat us she didn’t mean to cause discord or upset in our marriage or in our relationship.

What should I text back?

You don’t work as many hours as he does, ergo you have more free time (there is no mention of children to care for). And your personality comes across loud and clear in your posts. Thankfully, the polar opposite of my daughter in law.

It is not the case that all money ‘earned in a marriage’ should belong to both partners, unless divorce rears head. Many have separate accounts into which their earnings are paid. I assume you don’t.

I disagree with many of the posts on this thread. Of course the OP is perfectly entitled to come here and anonymously open up about a troubling relationship, Gransnet is here for just that. There’s no reason to criticise her for talking about her MIL, considering it’s entirely relevant to her post, and certainly no excuse for attacking her and insulting her for the feelings she’s expressing. How could she ask for advice without describing her MIL’s part in this? It happens all the time on here. She’s not maligning her MIL or indeed MILs in general.

She can’t quote her MIL’s exact words as she wasn’t present when the gift was given to her husband, but he has told her what his mother intended.

I see nothing to suggest the OP is anything but genuine. Not only is she trying to sort out her feelings surrounding the situation, she’s being repeatedly criticised for doing so, so I think it’s understandable that she’s digging in and, at this stage, trying to defend her response to what has happened.

I think she has been exceptionally open to peoples’ opinions, even the hostile ones.

Germanshepherdsmum

I doubt any of us is remotely concerned about your relationship with your mother in law. I can see why you didn’t post on the other thread. You want something that is all about you. But you have shown your behaviour to be so childish and vindictive that you haven’t gathered any supporters. For what it’s worth I reckon your husband works a lot harder than you and gets little out of it for himself. I bet he doesn’t have the time to send all the texts to his mother and meet her for lunch like you. If I were his mother I would be rather concerned about him and his relationship. All the more so after hearing about your tantrum over the money.

His mother is close to me treats me like a daughter she never had so why would she just be concerned for her son and not for me? She hasn’t shown in her past actions towards me that she is concerned for her son. So what makes you think she is

MerylStreep

luckycharmsaregreat12

How would she find the son is a son book useful? Because he defended his wife’s feelings as he should!

What if his wife’s feeling are misguided?

Again how is the book go along with this whole situation l? Is there something wrong with a man putting his wife first? So confused. Besides this is a completely sexist book placing as usual all the blame on the wife and not to mention it was written like 40 years ago

Germanshepherdsmum

I doubt any of us is remotely concerned about your relationship with your mother in law. I can see why you didn’t post on the other thread. You want something that is all about you. But you have shown your behaviour to be so childish and vindictive that you haven’t gathered any supporters. For what it’s worth I reckon your husband works a lot harder than you and gets little out of it for himself. I bet he doesn’t have the time to send all the texts to his mother and meet her for lunch like you. If I were his mother I would be rather concerned about him and his relationship. All the more so after hearing about your tantrum over the money.

Where do you get my husband works a lot more than me? And yes all money earned in a marriage shouldn’t be seen as his or her money but their money. We are married. Why would my mil be concerned about our relationship?what makes you think my husband gets little out of it for himself? Are you in our marriage?

What are you talking about he doesn’t have time to send texts to his mother? What is your point with that and where are you getting that assumption that I have all this free time on my hands where my husband works a lot harder than I do?

luckycharmsaregreat12

How would she find the son is a son book useful? Because he defended his wife’s feelings as he should!

What if his wife’s feeling are misguided?

I doubt any of us is remotely concerned about your relationship with your mother in law. I can see why you didn’t post on the other thread. You want something that is all about you. But you have shown your behaviour to be so childish and vindictive that you haven’t gathered any supporters. For what it’s worth I reckon your husband works a lot harder than you and gets little out of it for himself. I bet he doesn’t have the time to send all the texts to his mother and meet her for lunch like you. If I were his mother I would be rather concerned about him and his relationship. All the more so after hearing about your tantrum over the money.

Smileless2012

^so I will adjust accordingly and pull back^ presumably with no explanation and no concerns that what you'll be doing deliberately may well hurt and upset her, despite the fact that she had no intentions of hurting and up setting you.

I hope you've at least considered how your 'pulling back' may affect your husband's relationship with his mother, which in turn may affect your relationship with your husband.

I’m not having my husband pull back from her just me so how will that effect my husbands relationship with her.

You only seem concerned with my husbands relationship with her but not my relationship with her.

so I will adjust accordingly and pull back presumably with no explanation and no concerns that what you'll be doing deliberately may well hurt and upset her, despite the fact that she had no intentions of hurting and up setting you.

I hope you've at least considered how your 'pulling back' may affect your husband's relationship with his mother, which in turn may affect your relationship with your husband.

SporeRB

Your MIL will be mortified to know that a simple gesture of giving her son $250 can cause you so much distress and hurt.

Reading between the lines, I think you suffer from self esteem issues which has been triggered by your MIL’s action.

I have a daughter and no DIL. With daughter it is completely different. We have put a good sum of money into her own bank account to spend on their new house and I spent much, much more on my daughter than her partner for Christmas and there is no problem whatsoever.

What would your response be if your were my mil and I told her what I said on here thatI felt excluded and unimportant and less than and that I thought she saw me like the daughter she never had

SporeRB

Your MIL will be mortified to know that a simple gesture of giving her son $250 can cause you so much distress and hurt.

Reading between the lines, I think you suffer from self esteem issues which has been triggered by your MIL’s action.

I have a daughter and no DIL. With daughter it is completely different. We have put a good sum of money into her own bank account to spend on their new house and I spent much, much more on my daughter than her partner for Christmas and there is no problem whatsoever.

But the history with my mil has been that we do have an individual relationship and she treats me almost like the daughter she never had. And even you say with your daughter you put money in her own account but for THEIR house.

A daughter and daughter in law both have the title daughter in it and shouldn’t be so far removed from each other.

So a daughter in law shouldn’t be treated as “less than” a son when she marries your son she becomes part of the family.

When you treat your son and tell him just to spend it on himself you are saying basically don’t spend it on your DIl as she isn’t deserving and doesn’t work hard as well to have a little fun money.

I mean how hard was it for her to be exclusive and say take yourselves out on a date night the two of you deserve it.

Again my history with her I thought she saw me as another one of her children. However I realized that’s not the case so I will adjust accordingly and pull back.

As you now know she didn't mean to upset you, and is going to talk to you to clear the air, why are you still going on about?

Not to mention again it’s not her place or job to try and “fix” things and determine that I don’t make enough or my husband doesn’t treat himself enough and swoop in and give my husband fun money as if he is a child.

Soooo much projection! You have zero knowledge of why she gave your husband some cash because you won't put your big girl pants on and ask her. Everything you've written has been your supposition of what, why and how because you wouldn't be an adult and speak to her about it. Even now, when you've confirmed that she's said that she never meant her gift to be taken in the way it was, it was your husband that had spoken with her.... not you! You talk about "having agency"? You also have agency. Use yours productively. Speak directly to those that you have an issue with instead of complaining on the www with an ever shifting narrative. It's the healthy grown up way.

Your MIL will be mortified to know that a simple gesture of giving her son $250 can cause you so much distress and hurt.

Reading between the lines, I think you suffer from self esteem issues which has been triggered by your MIL’s action.

I have a daughter and no DIL. With daughter it is completely different. We have put a good sum of money into her own bank account to spend on their new house and I spent much, much more on my daughter than her partner for Christmas and there is no problem whatsoever.

muffinthemoo

This isn't really about the money, is it?

What is it that actually rips your knitting about her? Because if she didn't already rip your knitting, giving your husband a wee bung to get himself some video games or whatever wouldn't matter a bit. My dad gave me a few quid for a facial/beauty treatment of choice for after Christmas (it's very busy for us and I get a bit rundown) and I assure you my husband was quite unconcerned. Giving your adult kid a wee treat is not in some way abnormal.

So, there's something else. What is it?

I already said what it is. It’s that she doesn’t want my husband to treat me and I thought she saw me as a daughter considering how she treats me so why would she just treat him and not me?

I'm not doing this irl well thank goodness for that. I feel sorry for your m.i.l. and hope she never discovers what you really think of her.

This isn't really about the money, is it?

What is it that actually rips your knitting about her? Because if she didn't already rip your knitting, giving your husband a wee bung to get himself some video games or whatever wouldn't matter a bit. My dad gave me a few quid for a facial/beauty treatment of choice for after Christmas (it's very busy for us and I get a bit rundown) and I assure you my husband was quite unconcerned. Giving your adult kid a wee treat is not in some way abnormal.

So, there's something else. What is it?

FannyFanackerpan

Your poor MI. I wonder if she's aware that, because her DIL doesn't have the emotional maturity to use her words and articulate her concerns and actually speak to her, she's been heavily criticised across the www and that her innocent action has been perceived to have very negative connotations? Please, wish her a Merry Christmas from me, she deserves it.

This forum is anonymous I’m not doing this irl.

Germanshepherdsmum

You keep harping on about what I may have said in the other post. This must be the third time you’ve said it. I have addressed your behaviour in this post, which has been childish in the extreme. Despite being asked to do so, you have not said what your mother in law actually said when handing the cash over. So much fuss over what is a small sum to two people who work full time. Perhaps you were right in your first post - perhaps she has reason to think you spend a lot on yourself, whilst presumably earning less as you work fewer hours, and your husband spends little or nothing on himself?

Our finances are not her concern even if I do work less hours. Even if I work a little less don’t you think maybe I contribute in different areas rather than just financial? Often the unpaid labor that does go unnoticed such as cleaning, cooking, planning etc. and even though I do work a little less hours it’s by like 10 less hours plus in a marriage that doesn’t even matter anyways since most couples don’t keep track of oh this is your money or my money but rather our money and it all comes out in the wash.

So if you’re indeed right that my mil thinks because I work a few less hours than my husband that means I don’t work as hard or my contributions around the house aren’t as important well then doesn’t that say more about her than about me?

Not to mention again it’s not her place or job to try and “fix” things and determine that I don’t make enough or my husband doesn’t treat himself enough and swoop in and give my husband fun money as if he is a child. A married couples finances and who and what they spend it on is their business alone and no one else’s.