I’m on the other side of this

Why didn’t you post on the other thread?

What are your contributions? Do you work?

Germanshepherdsmum

Why didn’t you post on the other thread?

What are your contributions? Do you work?

Because I didn’t want to take away from the OP. Weren’t you one of the posters who thought it was rude to exclude the DIL. Yes my husband works more hours than me but we are both full time workers.

Even if I didn’t work I would be contributing to the household in other ways which shouldn’t get overlooked. Working isn’t the only way one contributes to a household.

How should I address this with my mil since like I said I do have an independent relationship with her outside of my husband? And we are close.

Rather than pull back from your m.i.l. luckycharmsaregreat, talk to her and tell her how you feel. From what you've said about your relationship, it seems unlikely to me that she meant any harm or disrespect, but unless you tell her how you feel, she wont know.

Pulling back with no explanation wont solve anything.

What was your husband’s response. I either of my sons thought I was being unfair or spiteful to their partners, I am reasonably confident they’d tell me so.

And what were the circumstances and the language used around the gift. I could see that if, for example, my son had done a special favour for us, I might give him a few quid and say ‘treat yourself’ as a thank you. I would hope my son - and thus daughters-in-law - wouldnt understand that to mean ‘but don’t give anything to your wife’. It would be meant as ‘get something you otherwise wouldn’t’ and then up to my son to decide whether that was for him alone, both of them, or the kids as well.

To my mind your MIL has been abominably rude and your husband insensitive by accepting a gift from anyone with such a provision attached.

So I understand entirely that you are hurt and perhaps feeling resentful right now, although I didn't get any sense of resentment from your post.

In your place, I don't think I would raise the issue with my MIL. It is likely to make bad worse if you do.

You may, on the other hand, feel that in all honesty you have to tell your husband how this made you feel. Whether this is, or is not a good idea, I cannot possibly know, not knowing you or your husband.

I would have been furious with mine for not telling the giver to go and chase herself. But we never had his and her money, only our money. It never mattered who earned most, as long as all the bills were paid.

lucky does your own family ever treat you. I know my DILs mum and sister both buy her clothes and things that are quite expensive for Christmas and birthdays and do buy nice presents for my son but not in the same amount.

We have always given them both the same amount.
I doubt very much, given the relationship between you and your MIL, the intention was to make sure you didn’t get any of the money. I would imagine it was more your MiL wanting to treat her son to something nice. Or it could be she meant spend it on himself rather than put it in the general housekeeping money pot i,e, don’t use it for bills use it to treat yourself. There are several ways of looking at this.
I would take a positive approach from the fact you normally get on and not let it sour the relationship. Misunderstandings can ruin things and it’s important to try and be in a good relationship with others.

Working isn’t the only way one contributes to a household.

Agreed, especially when the word "working" usually only means paid work and doesn't include, for example, a mother doing nearly all the child care/housework/household organisin, etc.

Why do husbands tell their wives when their mums act so stupidly is my next question? Your husband could just have not repeated his mother's 'instructions' and used the money jointly, especially if you have joint accounts and so forth.

All very silly.

I’m in agreement with*Doodle*. If your DH buys something for himself, such as a coat, then that’s money which doesn’t come out of your joint account.
When I’m out with my DS I might randomly pay for something he is going to buy, just because I can. He then saves that money to treat his DW and children.
However for Christmas and birthday we do try to give evenly.

I hope he is going to spend it on you!
I wouldn't let this worry me too much.

My DMiL was very much like that too.
I called it being Clannish .
When DH was sick, very sick shortly before he died, she arrived with special dishes for him, just him. I don't know what the rest of us were supposed to eat.

When she died this year, she left money in her will to his children. Not mine. I am their mother.

He laughed it off, the DC laugh it off. I could choose to be hurt but I would prefer to remember her for the good things about her and there were many.

She clearly thinks of you a lot and probably loves you.. you could ask her why she gave the money to him and say that you found it quite puzzling.She might have thought she had a very valid reason.. I very much doubt that she thought it would upset you since she has made so much effort in the past to get to know you... I hope this doesn't cause a rift

You say you have had a good relationship with her and often go for lunch or do things together , can I ask do you pay or does she? If she does perhaps she thinks she gives you a treat that way so wanted her son to be able to treat himself, if you go Dutch or you pay usually then she is in the wrong.

J52

I’m in agreement with*Doodle*. If your DH buys something for himself, such as a coat, then that’s money which doesn’t come out of your joint account.
When I’m out with my DS I might randomly pay for something he is going to buy, just because I can. He then saves that money to treat his DW and children.
However for Christmas and birthday we do try to give evenly.

I get that but in the case you mentioned you are already out with your DS this isn’t a blatant exclusion of his wife just telling him how to spend the money.

You said he saves the money to treat his wife and children in this case my MIL gave him the gift with strings attached and specifically told him not to spend it on me as if I’m undeserving of the money or I don’t contribute to the household and marriage also.

It just doesn’t match up with what was always a good relationship.

well aks her what her reasons were then. we can only speculate

As far as you know them, what were her exact words when handing the money to her son?

Has she got form in this type of behaviour? If it’s a one-off I’d let it go, give her the benefit of the doubt on this occasion. But say to my husband I’m hurt and trust she won’t be doing this again.

Did your MIL actually say "don't spend the money on your wife", or did she say "spend it on yourself"... in the way one would say to someone, treat yourself to something nice?

I'm not sure of the etiquette here, but when I once gave money to my son after a windfall - I didn't tell him how he should spend it.

I agree Dickens depends on how it was phrased. I would not tell my family how to spend any monetary gifts I gave them, just to treat yourself. Maybe it should be yourselves.

Rather than make assumptions luckycharmsaregreat, why don't you simply talk to her about this?

Gramaretto When she died this year, she left money in her will to his children. Not mine. I am their mother.

I think that is fairly standard. My parents left money to me as we will do to our children. However a gift of any kind is is a gift and no restrictions should be placed on how it is used.

Maybe your DH told his Mum that he really wanted something but that he didn’t feel the money could be spared from your joint account?
I would ask your MIL.

Maybe your husband had been grumbling to his mum that there wasn't any spare money for him to buy something he especially wanted or needed and so she gifted him the money. But until you speak to her you won't know. Second guessing and then feeling resentful isn't helping anyone.

Ignore. Least said, soonest mended.

Oopsadaisy1

Maybe your DH told his Mum that he really wanted something but that he didn’t feel the money could be spared from your joint account?
I would ask your MIL.

I mean my husband isn’t the type of guy to complain about me behind my back and discuss our personal finances. If he felt like he couldn’t spend money from our own account and he couldn’t discuss that with his own wife and instead ran to his mother with personal marital issues isn’t that a much bigger marital problem or at least a sign of it in and of itself?

But I do agree about speaking to my MIL which I’m going to do tomorrow over the phone.