I’m on the other side of this

It's such a cliché isn't it Norah? You can tell, right from an opening post, which way it's going to go down! So predictable.

luckycharmsaregreat12

And wow I didn’t realize anyone took that super old book seriously. Blaming the evil wife for the actions of your son. Your son is a grown man and has his own agency to choose who he can talk to if he allows the “evil” wife to dictate that well he is a oh boy isn’t he. Maybe it’s time for all these mils to realize maybe there is a reason their sons don’t talk to them and the evil wife isn’t it

Are you posting on GN merely to put mils in their place?

I believe you're perhaps just anti mil.

How many times do I have to say it - we are talking here about your reaction to your mother in law’s gift, not her action.

Your poor MI. I wonder if she's aware that, because her DIL doesn't have the emotional maturity to use her words and articulate her concerns and actually speak to her, she's been heavily criticised across the www and that her innocent action has been perceived to have very negative connotations? Please, wish her a Merry Christmas from me, she deserves it.

You keep harping on about what I may have said in the other post. This must be the third time you’ve said it. I have addressed your behaviour in this post, which has been childish in the extreme. Despite being asked to do so, you have not said what your mother in law actually said when handing the cash over. So much fuss over what is a small sum to two people who work full time. Perhaps you were right in your first post - perhaps she has reason to think you spend a lot on yourself, whilst presumably earning less as you work fewer hours, and your husband spends little or nothing on himself?

And wow I didn’t realize anyone took that super old book seriously. Blaming the evil wife for the actions of your son. Your son is a grown man and has his own agency to choose who he can talk to if he allows the “evil” wife to dictate that well he is a oh boy isn’t he. Maybe it’s time for all these mils to realize maybe there is a reason their sons don’t talk to them and the evil wife isn’t it

Germanshepherdsmum

I expect your mother in law now sees you in a rather different, and less favourable, light. So much fuss over so little. Somewhat unedifying.

But in the other post you said it was rude for a mil to exclude her DIl

I expect your mother in law now sees you in a rather different, and less favourable, light. So much fuss over so little. Somewhat unedifying.

How would she find the son is a son book useful? Because he defended his wife’s feelings as he should!

Your MIL might find it useful.

So I just found out a second ago my husband addressed it with his mom and told her how hurt I was because I thought we were close and that she saw me as a daughter and I was wondering why she left me out and that he had to stand up for the feelings of his wife because his wife comes first and how he shouldn’t have accepted the money if it was meant to exclude his wife.

She said she absolutely meant no harm and didn’t realize it would upset me so much but she is going going to call me later to clear the air.

FannyFanackerpan

You keep flitting between how close you considered your relationship with your MIL is and how you spend quality time together and then you say that she's undermining your marriage and sees you as less than. You say that the gift was given to your husband with strings attached and was exclusionary but you don't actually know this to be a fact because you weren't there at the time and you haven't actually spoken to her about it! You said that you would speak to her but you apparently haven't and are still leaping to conclusions, all with the same dramatic negative conclusions.

Really lucky you're in danger of making some serious mistakes here. Stop with the passive aggressive "pulling back from her", stop with the paranoid thoughts that she was deliberately doing you down, doing things "behind your back" and so thinks less of you. Be a grown up and speak to the woman. Use your words and give her a chance to use hers. Seriously you don't want to be that daughter in law that Anne Kathryn Killinger refers to so, before this escalates into something even bigger SPEAK TO HER!

Again how would that book by that author apply to me? Because I don’t want to be rudely excluded?

Oh, I see that in the time that I was typing my response, you've changed your mind again and will not now be speaking to your mother in law at all but intend to continue with the passive aggressive behaviour. Ah well, we tried.

rafichagran

This is so tedious, Mum treats son, tells him to buy something for himself, so what.
If I was to treat my son and said spend it on yourself, his partner would not kick off, but then she is a adult. I think OP you are looking to be offended.
pascale30 I think you are right and if true it is so boring

I’m not a T. However yes it is hurtful when I always been close I’m not sure why she wouldn’t want me to enjoy something as well. Do I not also work hard? I thought she saw me as close family as well and like a daughter she never had.

This is so tedious, Mum treats son, tells him to buy something for himself, so what.
If I was to treat my son and said spend it on yourself, his partner would not kick off, but then she is a adult. I think OP you are looking to be offended.
pascale30 I think you are right and if true it is so boring

You keep flitting between how close you considered your relationship with your MIL is and how you spend quality time together and then you say that she's undermining your marriage and sees you as less than. You say that the gift was given to your husband with strings attached and was exclusionary but you don't actually know this to be a fact because you weren't there at the time and you haven't actually spoken to her about it! You said that you would speak to her but you apparently haven't and are still leaping to conclusions, all with the same dramatic negative conclusions.

Really lucky you're in danger of making some serious mistakes here. Stop with the passive aggressive "pulling back from her", stop with the paranoid thoughts that she was deliberately doing you down, doing things "behind your back" and so thinks less of you. Be a grown up and speak to the woman. Use your words and give her a chance to use hers. Seriously you don't want to be that daughter in law that Anne Kathryn Killinger refers to so, before this escalates into something even bigger SPEAK TO HER!

no I wasn't aware of that.. I've never done MN

you know that's the only swear-word that is not allowed on MN/GN . . .

I'm really beginning to wonder if this OP is a troll...

MerylStreep

You’re going the right way to cause one humongous rift between you and your mother in law.
2 more English sayings for you to ponder.
A still tongue makes a wise head.
Least said, soonest mended.
For more detail of the above, use your search engine.

No need to be rude or snarky with your last line.

muffinthemoo

My parents and parents in law are always very vocal about any gifts given to me, especially cash, are to be used on me rather than me using them on the kids.

Honestly I appreciate that as it makes me feel not-guilty about using the money for something I want, and also it feels like they are acknowledging that I do always prioritise the kids. And sometimes I do need a new coat or new shoes etc. It's nice to not have to figure out how I would pay for them.

I think if we had kids it would have taken on a different meaning but we don’t have any kids and my mil specifically handed the money behind my back just to my husband and said to only spend it on himself so by default that mean as opposed to your wife.

If we had kids and she presented it to both of us or even just to my husband and said something like you guys have been so stressed and busy with the kids lately do something nice for yourself as a couple such as a date night that would have been totally differen or something nice that you guys want or need.

However she chose to be exclusionary and leave me completely out which is out of character for my mil given the close relationship we have. I feel like she is saying without realizing it that her son is deserving of a little fun money but don’t he dare spend it on me because I don’t work hard and deserve something nice for myself. Like why would she make it clear that I shouldn’t have any? Do I not work hard and contribute to my family and household also?

If she presented the money just to her son and said, “hey here is a little money for you and Suzy to have a night out or hey why don’t you and Suzy treat yourselve?”

It just makes me feel “less than” to my mil. Like I’m not as important or less deserving or don’t give your greedy wife my money because while you’re my son she isn’t actually my child.

She has always always treated me like the daughter she never had and I thought that’s how she saw me. So at this point it’s not even about the money it’s more about the principle of the matter and now she really feels about me.

I will try my hardest not to address it with my mil however for my personality that’s very hard to do because I’m a very direct and honest person. However I can’t help but pull back on the level of closeness we previously had. Meaning I won’t really be reaching out personally to text her or initiate things with her. I will still be cordial and polite and respond if she reaches out to me and in person but no once you rudely exclude me or treat me as “less than” because I’m not really blood that’s where I draw the line. We are married we are a unit I don’t want to be ignored or overlooked.

Oldnproud

In the past, when money was tight, I remember my mum occasionally squeezing some money into my hand and telling me that I was to treat myself. I can't remember if she specifically added "not on Mr O or the children", but that was clearly exactly what she meant.
I thought nothing of it - I was her daughter and she wanted to treat me!

The thing is though money isn’t the least bit tight and I’m not sure why my MIL wouldn’t want her DIL to enjoy a little fun money also. I could see her just giving it to my husband and saying this is a treat for us but it takes on a whole other meaning when it’s heavily implied it’s just for him which my husband made very clear she said. He is sharing it with me though because he isn’t a jerk.

I am going to follow the majority of the advice on here and not bring it up to my mil because I don’t want to cause a rift in our relationship although I don’t know if not being honest about hurt feelings is the way to go with family but I will let it go. However I am still very hurt.

I could see if I wasn’t close to my mil but even then no not really but we have a close individual relationship. We hangout and do things without my husband at times when he isn’t available such as working or what not. We text individually as well. I thought she saw me as close family and almost like a daughter but yet she excluded me from this.

I am just very hurt by her telling my husband essentially not to spend the money on me. Why would she give it to just him when I’m family too and we are close?

My parents and parents in law are always very vocal about any gifts given to me, especially cash, are to be used on me rather than me using them on the kids.

Honestly I appreciate that as it makes me feel not-guilty about using the money for something I want, and also it feels like they are acknowledging that I do always prioritise the kids. And sometimes I do need a new coat or new shoes etc. It's nice to not have to figure out how I would pay for them.

In the past, when money was tight, I remember my mum occasionally squeezing some money into my hand and telling me that I was to treat myself. I can't remember if she specifically added "not on Mr O or the children", but that was clearly exactly what she meant.
I thought nothing of it - I was her daughter and she wanted to treat me!

I don’t think the OP wants anyones perspective, she has made up her mind and won’t be persuaded to drop it.