I’m on the other side of this

Soooo, I’m wondering how genuine this and the MiL posts are. I think AI and someone with too much time on their hands.

If it were me and my DH we would make a big thing of how we enjoyed shopping together to buy him something special with the $250. After all it’s the kind of money I would enjoy having to spend on my DH (and he on me) if we had it spare.

pascal30

Germanshepherdsmum

Let it go. Don’t make it an issue with your mother in law. Once words are spoken they can’t be taken back and is $250 worth ruining a relationship?

I think the OP just wants to make trouble..

Indeed.

After her latest post, I agree.

Germanshepherdsmum

Let it go. Don’t make it an issue with your mother in law. Once words are spoken they can’t be taken back and is $250 worth ruining a relationship?

I think the OP just wants to make trouble..

Oh dear luckycharmsaregreat12...
The general advice to a mother-in-law on here is don't come between a son and his wife.
I'd also say to a daughter-in-law, don't come between your husband and his mum.

I'm presuming your husband told you about this cash gift? So he's not been secretive about it? Has he said what he's planning to do with it?
I think I would be inclined to gently tease him about it rather than get angry. It's only money after all and you say you have no financial worries, which is nice.

You know your worth in your marriage, your husband knows your worth in your marriage. Nobody else's opinion matters frankly.
Your relationship with your mother-in-law will only be ruined if you let it be. Rise above it, it doesn't matter.

She was the one who is ruining the relationship by essentially telling my husband not to spend it on me. No, you're the one who is risking that happening because you don't know what her reasoning was. Until you've spoken to her, you're just making random assumptions about the money.

I almost wanna reach out and text her, “hey thank you so much for the generous gift WE really appreciate it and we are gonna use it towards x y and z. Getting my point across that obviously the money is for both of to share because we are married and there is no way she would actually be that rude and ill mannered to imply it wasn’t for his wife as well. Go ahead, do that. What could possibly go wrong?

Germanshepherdsmum

Let it go. Don’t make it an issue with your mother in law. Once words are spoken they can’t be taken back and is $250 worth ruining a relationship?

Right $250 isn’t worth ruining a relationship over so why did my MIL basically in so many words give my husband that money behind my back with strings attached. She was the one who is ruining the relationship by essentially telling my husband not to spend it on me.

I almost wanna reach out and text her, “hey thank you so much for the generous gift WE really appreciate it and we are gonna use it towards x y and z. Getting my point across that obviously the money is for both of to share because we are married and there is no way she would actually be that rude and ill mannered to imply it wasn’t for his wife as well.

Let it go. Don’t make it an issue with your mother in law. Once words are spoken they can’t be taken back and is $250 worth ruining a relationship?

I wanted to add I feel like she was undermining our marriage by being sure I wasn’t around when my husband received his “gift” with strings attached to it.

Sara1954

My late mother in law didn’t give my husband money, but on occasion bought him things she knew I wouldn’t buy, of course there was nothing stopping him from buying what he wanted.
I was always fuming, and it always went in the bin, but at least he knew she was in the wrong.

Truthfully I think that’s why I’m pissed about it because it almost screams here let me give this to you in secret or privately because your wife will not “let” you have anything or your own. Or hey my son you work so hard but keep the money for yourself because I don’t want it going towards your wife because she’s not deserving of it.

Like once married my belief is like other posters mentioned in another thread you need to gift as a married unit once married. Also I see him first and foremost as my husband rather than MIL’s son and I guess I feel those exclusive gifts should be seen as giving them to the couple since we become “one” and a unit upon marriage rather than just treating your son like a young child who is single. The exception to that rule being for birthdays or other events that just are celebrating one person from the couple.

Maybe I’ll approach it to my MIL from the angle of making it clear as a married couple we share finances and we aren’t in any financial trouble so we don’t need any money as I want her to use her money for herself and save her money as we aren’t in any sort of financial worry.

My late mother in law didn’t give my husband money, but on occasion bought him things she knew I wouldn’t buy, of course there was nothing stopping him from buying what he wanted.
I was always fuming, and it always went in the bin, but at least he knew she was in the wrong.

But I do agree about speaking to my MIL which I’m going to do tomorrow over the phone.

Oopsadaisy1

Maybe your DH told his Mum that he really wanted something but that he didn’t feel the money could be spared from your joint account?
I would ask your MIL.

I mean my husband isn’t the type of guy to complain about me behind my back and discuss our personal finances. If he felt like he couldn’t spend money from our own account and he couldn’t discuss that with his own wife and instead ran to his mother with personal marital issues isn’t that a much bigger marital problem or at least a sign of it in and of itself?

Ignore. Least said, soonest mended.

Maybe your husband had been grumbling to his mum that there wasn't any spare money for him to buy something he especially wanted or needed and so she gifted him the money. But until you speak to her you won't know. Second guessing and then feeling resentful isn't helping anyone.

Maybe your DH told his Mum that he really wanted something but that he didn’t feel the money could be spared from your joint account?
I would ask your MIL.

Gramaretto When she died this year, she left money in her will to his children. Not mine. I am their mother.

I think that is fairly standard. My parents left money to me as we will do to our children. However a gift of any kind is is a gift and no restrictions should be placed on how it is used.

Rather than make assumptions luckycharmsaregreat, why don't you simply talk to her about this?

I agree Dickens depends on how it was phrased. I would not tell my family how to spend any monetary gifts I gave them, just to treat yourself. Maybe it should be yourselves.

Did your MIL actually say "don't spend the money on your wife", or did she say "spend it on yourself"... in the way one would say to someone, treat yourself to something nice?

I'm not sure of the etiquette here, but when I once gave money to my son after a windfall - I didn't tell him how he should spend it.

Has she got form in this type of behaviour? If it’s a one-off I’d let it go, give her the benefit of the doubt on this occasion. But say to my husband I’m hurt and trust she won’t be doing this again.

As far as you know them, what were her exact words when handing the money to her son?

well aks her what her reasons were then. we can only speculate

J52

I’m in agreement with*Doodle*. If your DH buys something for himself, such as a coat, then that’s money which doesn’t come out of your joint account.
When I’m out with my DS I might randomly pay for something he is going to buy, just because I can. He then saves that money to treat his DW and children.
However for Christmas and birthday we do try to give evenly.

I get that but in the case you mentioned you are already out with your DS this isn’t a blatant exclusion of his wife just telling him how to spend the money.

You said he saves the money to treat his wife and children in this case my MIL gave him the gift with strings attached and specifically told him not to spend it on me as if I’m undeserving of the money or I don’t contribute to the household and marriage also.

It just doesn’t match up with what was always a good relationship.