I’m on the other side of this

I disagree with the majority of advice of not saying anything to the MIL. If what OP said is true it sounds like they are super close and have more of a mother daughter type relationship and with a mother daughter you would be honest with each other.

As long as it’s not done in an accusatory or rude manner I think with family it’s important to be up front or honest about your feelings otherwise you can let it sit in the pit of your stomach and then it breeds resentment.

Also keep in mind OP you weren’t there when your mil gave the money to your husband so you’re hearing her message conveyed from a third party. Men are stupid sometimes and don’t always convey things correctly.

I’m also shocked at the other posters who threw divorce in her face as a justification for their marriage not coming first. I’m hoping that was a child who is on these forums because they are bored and school is out because no adult actually says, “well you could divorce one day.” That thought shouldn’t even be in your mind when discussing someone’s marriage unless they are saying themselves they are talking divorce. If your theory is well they could divorce one day then why get married at all or why work at all in the marriage because you could divorce one day. For some people and with the OP clearly it is their marriage vows are taken very seriously.

I have heard my 8 year old cousin say well they could divorce one day but never heard an actual adult say that unless it was in a 100% joking manner.

Forget or ignore it. So it might seem an odd thing to do but as you have said you have a good relationship with your mil. Any discussion about the way the gift was given just makes things awkward and within families it is never worth it. My lovely old dad gave me some advice years ago which has allowed us to avoid the petty long term squabbles I have seen in other families. The advice was to let anything annoying go right over your head as within families it was never worth saying anything.

I am so lost on why you are taking this so hard if my mil handed my husband a wad of cash or a check and said spend it on yourself my first thought wouldn’t be to take it so literally as to mean don’t spend it on your wife I would take it to mean spend it on something fun not something necessary like bills. You said it yourself you have a super close daughter like relationship with your MIL so why is the very first thought that runs through your mind that she meant it as in don’t spend it on your wife? This leads me to believe it’s a deeper issue you have with your MIL that you need to figure out.

I would assume she meant it to be used for the two of your for something fun but handed it to her son because that’s the actual relation.

If this same exact scenario happened to me I would probably honestly text my mil and say thank you so much for the special treat and tell her it was so great because we used it for a date night or whatever fun thing it went towards.

You guys are married correct so why would she not expect him to share it with his wife? Money for one is money for both in a marriage.

FannyFanackerpan, it certainly does.

What an excellent post icanhandthemback, my relationship with my own DS & DIL is the same. This thread makes you count your blessings doesn't it?

I think this is a storm in a teacup. If I choose to treat my son to something, it doesn't mean I love my DIL any less but I will always love my son more than her. Similarly, I love my step-children but love my own children more.
Every year, I give my son money for Christmas and buy his wife a small present. If my son chooses to spend that money on his wife, that is up to him. In the past, he has asked me to buy a better present for his wife, eg a sewing machine and I have done so. If I gave him money in between Birthday and Christmas and said, "Spend it on yourself," I wouldn't mean don't spend it on your wife, I'd mean I hoped he would treat himself (and/or her) not spend it on bills. I don't ever give gifts with provisos though and I certainly wouldn't explicitly exclude my DIL. However, if she thought I had, I hope she could either ask her husband to talk to me or talk to me herself. I would certainly be worried that she couldn't do either as it would belie the relationship I thought we had.
My relationship with his wife is good but it isn't linked to money or gifts. It comes down to personalities and we are comfortable with ours. My son and his wife may be a marital unit but they are individual people and our relationships are very different. If your relationship is just based on being a "marital unit". and you can't be treated differently, I think you are always likely to be hurt.

I think it is wrong to make such an obvious choice, ie, my son is more important than you. But such a common scenario - mothers being jealous of their daughters-in-law. Personally, I would feel compelled to bring it up with her or it would eat away at me. Have you discussed it with your husband, does he see your point of view? This one won’t go away

FannyFanackerpan

^What should I text back?^

Dear MIL,
I'm so pleased to hear from you, thank you for being adult enough to make contact first; I really appreciate you taking the time to reassure me that all is well between us. I'm sorry that I blew this whole thing out of proportion and for accusing you of things you never did; I realise now that I should have been far less hysterical and far more mature about the whole debacle and just spoken to you. You've never given me a moments doubt in the past and I'm embarrassed by my recent behaviour; I hope that you can forgive me so that we can continue to enjoy our previous good relationship. I promise that I won't repeat this behavior again.
Fondest regards
Lucky

I texted exactly that to her since I’m aware i overreacted except I’m not signing off fondest regards as that’s something you say more to business associate not your family member. That script was very helpful thank you.

MerylStreep

OP
You mother in law has answered in a very kind a conciliatory adult manner. But be assured this incident will not be forgotten.

So every incident or mistake a family member or friend makes you tuck away to remember at a later date? Isn’t the point of being human is that we make mistakes along the way.

In families people say sometimes the wrong things and make mistakes that’s what makes us human.

Again we have a close mother daughter like relationship I highly doubt she is going to hold this against me forever. It’s going to blow over in a week or so.

Allsorts

You can treat your sil or dil as you treat your son or daughter, but your own child comes first, you can’t alter that. Once married, their partner takes priority, quite rightly. People separate and divorce, you only have one mother and father.

What is your point in saying your own child comes first? I just expect her not to exclude me. Of course her own child comes first

Also what’s your point in saying people divorce and you only get one set of parents? That a marriage relationship should mean less than your real with your parents because you might divorce. Yes obviously you could divorce but that doesn’t mean you don’t put your marriage first because you could divorce if anything that is more reason to put your spouse first and prioritize that relationship and work harder at it so you don’t end up divorced.

Your spouse is the one who you lay your head next to at night, you share a literal life with, you make big life decisions with. Typically if a big life change happens such as you need to move it effects your spouse the most. But because a divorce could happen you shouldn’t take them seriously . Your argument would stand if this was a bf/gf relationship but it’s not it’s a husband wife relationship.

I would never ever marry a man who put me second to his parents and I wouldn’t expect a man to marry me if I put him second to my parents.

No, it will not - and the relationship will be altered forever.

Great idea for a response Fanny.

I hope so too muffinthemoo.

OP
You mother in law has answered in a very kind a conciliatory adult manner. But be assured this incident will not be forgotten.

You can treat your sil or dil as you treat your son or daughter, but your own child comes first, you can’t alter that. Once married, their partner takes priority, quite rightly. People separate and divorce, you only have one mother and father.

I hope next year the mother in law spends the 250 on herself if it's going to cause this much bloody trouble

✅✅✅

What should I text back?

Dear MIL,
I'm so pleased to hear from you, thank you for being adult enough to make contact first; I really appreciate you taking the time to reassure me that all is well between us. I'm sorry that I blew this whole thing out of proportion and for accusing you of things you never did; I realise now that I should have been far less hysterical and far more mature about the whole debacle and just spoken to you. You've never given me a moments doubt in the past and I'm embarrassed by my recent behaviour; I hope that you can forgive me so that we can continue to enjoy our previous good relationship. I promise that I won't repeat this behavior again.
Fondest regards
Lucky

#wind up

Delila

I disagree with many of the posts on this thread. Of course the OP is perfectly entitled to come here and anonymously open up about a troubling relationship, Gransnet is here for just that. There’s no reason to criticise her for talking about her MIL, considering it’s entirely relevant to her post, and certainly no excuse for attacking her and insulting her for the feelings she’s expressing. How could she ask for advice without describing her MIL’s part in this? It happens all the time on here. She’s not maligning her MIL or indeed MILs in general.

She can’t quote her MIL’s exact words as she wasn’t present when the gift was given to her husband, but he has told her what his mother intended.

I see nothing to suggest the OP is anything but genuine. Not only is she trying to sort out her feelings surrounding the situation, she’s being repeatedly criticised for doing so, so I think it’s understandable that she’s digging in and, at this stage, trying to defend her response to what has happened.

I think she has been exceptionally open to peoples’ opinions, even the hostile ones.

I agree with you Delia. Op you might find you will get more balanced replies from mumsnet as there are a mixture of mils and dils there. Can't belive some of the spiteful comments.

Ah , I see that post moved up very quickly.

Am I imagining things?
I swear there was a post from OP saying her MIL had called her to explain and asking what she should text back.
Weird .

That post was in answer to one that has now disappeared !

Thank you and I understand.
Will be quite enough.

Schools out.

I have always worked full time (very long hours) and done the housework, laundry and cooking. It’s no big deal when there are only two people - how messy does a house get, and how much cooking has to be done, when the occupants are out all day five days a week?