Pain in the **** 'friend'

just be honest and say not possible a tthe moment. You dont have to put up with nasty behaviour just because he is back in your life Please be fiem with him or get your husband to be so.

We knew a couple some years ago through a sports club we belonged to. She was lovely, he was a very minor celeb and awful. He was mean to his wife constantly but she answered him back! She was from another European country so not your typical English woman. Anyway, she left him eventually and ran off with another member of the sports club whose Silver wedding celebrations we had attended not long before. All of life can be found in a small village, to quote Miss Marple.

Mamasperspective

I would start calling him out on his comments, "What would make you say such a horrible thing to your wife?" Or laugh and say, "When you say comments like that, it's no wonder you don't have many friends"

Certainly agree with what you say . Why is it always women that are submissive , gently quiet no matter what’s said to them , men don’t put up with any nonsense as a general rule.

As regards to this obnoxious man , think it’s best to create a distance from him , just be slow in responding to messages and say you’re too busy or something. As regards to his wife , I personally wouldn’t want to make a friend out of her mainly because the type of woman she is , bit of a doormat .

Thank you for this advice. He is still texting but I think he is getting the message as there has not been so many! Hope it lasts!!

I would start calling him out on his comments, "What would make you say such a horrible thing to your wife?" Or laugh and say, "When you say comments like that, it's no wonder you don't have many friends"

Skydancer

I managed to get out of seeing a couple that I couldn't stand by saying I had family issues. That is quite a good one as people rarely ask what they are.

remember this, everyone.
sounds suitably vague yet personal=effective.
thanks, Skydancer.

This bombastic friend/husband is the reason they don’t have many friends. Wife is probably pretty subservient to him too, I’m guessing.

You’re in a tough spot, especially if the two guys work together. If this new guy is a manager or supervisor over your husband, then navigating this is trickier still. I think to separate yourselves somewhat would start by refusing a few invitations. If he bullies either one of you, I’d drop them like hot potatoes. No one tolerates this behavior.

You and your husband are friendly and respectful and non-confrontational - that’s why they want to see you.
USA Gundy

I managed to get out of seeing a couple that I couldn't stand by saying I had family issues. That is quite a good one as people rarely ask what they are.

I feel sorry for your friend, and you! Can your husband have a frank and firm word? People can go through life just not realising... And if he is narcissistic then it doesn't look good. Firstly, look after yourselves

Could your husband not just message every time with - busy with family see you at the club/ hectic week see you at the club/ lots on this week but see you at the club. Hopefully he would soon get the message.

Hi
If You aren’t keen on making her a friend then don’t …🙂

Your husband has to deal with this. In response to all the texts and emails he can simply reply, Yes, see you next Wednesday at the club, and ignore all the rest. This' friendship' is at an early stage; best to squash it now.

Do not try to fob him off with excuses, because there will be a next time when you are not ill, do not have friends / family visiting, etc. Just say "No, thank you." You do not have to give explanations, and if he asks for one, that is what you tell him.

greenlady102 wish I had met your lovely lady across the road when I was young - excellent advice!

Newatthis, this chap has latched on as he can find no one else to put up with him. Your husband may find it useful to observe how others at the club deal with him. It is better to 'bite the bullet' and deal with this now, ignore messages and don't explain why you are too busy for meet ups etc as this will give him room to negotiate! Good luck, I think we've all been there at some point

I know hindsight is a wonderful thing but when we were young and moved into our first house a lovely older lady across the road gave us some advice. She said hold back on friendships until you know where you are and more about the people. We followed her advice and have learned how useful it was.

My husband is on board with this as he feels the same way as I do, but he has to see him every week which makes it difficult for him. Although the wife is a nice person, I am not too bothered about making her a friend. I have lots of friends who I enjoy spending time with and I feel that if I encourage a friendship with her, he will come as part of the package. I do comment when he says anything derogatory about her but he neither listens or is too thick skinned to take in. He only ever wants to talk about himself, his achievements and what he has done in his life.

how about you text her to suggest she 'hold your hand' to go a new women-only aqua-aerobics session, or spa event, or hair salon.
avoid him at all costs.
and your husband should shut him down when he makes disparaging comments about any woman. www.london.gov.uk/media-centre/mayors-press-release/mayor-launches-major-new-campaign-to-empower-men-and-boys-to-say-maaate-to-their-mates-and-challenge-sexism-and-misogyny

If you and your husband are in agreement about this, there isn't a problem.

Stop phoning back or texting answers and if this man rings or meets you in the street and tries to force a meeting upon you, smile pleasantly and say, "Sorry, we are both very busy right now, I will be in touch when we have less on." then don't get in touch.

Alternatively, you could be forthright and say that you find it embarrassing that he makes sarcastic comments about his wife all the time. This may be his idea of humour, but to you it is rude, so you don't really want to continue the friendship.

Knock knock? It's taken!
In other words, your free time is all yours, so if you don't want to see said people (or anybody else) you have to tell them so. That man seems the kind who can't take a hint either, so you'll need to tell him in as many words as possible "thank you for the invitation but no we won't be joining you because right now we have other plans".

It’s at a weekly club GrannyGrunter - as described by the OP in her first post.

Very difficult Newatthis. I suspect the husband is desperate for friends because they have been cut off by everyone they've come into contact with over the years. Of course, he won't realise it's because he's an insufferable bore. I expect he also relishes the chance to show off in front of people. I expect the wife, who appears to be a nice lady, is grateful for some social interaction other than her awful husband. However, the bombardment of texts is not normal, especially over the festive period which, from a social etiquette point of view, is completely unacceptable by almost anyone's standards.

You are going to have to put your foot down. I assume these people don't know you or your family/social situation very well. In which case you are going to have to be very busy every time they contact you. Eventually they will stop trying because don't forget they are already very used to people shutting them down. It's either that or your DH finds a different club to join, although I doubt there's a plethora of those around and anyway, why should he. I can't imagine this man is very popular with other members of the club and your DH in due course will discover this which will help him to keep a wide berth.

Why does your husband see him every week, is it through business or something else. Until you and your husband puts a stop to this it will continue and you will be dragged further and further into what looks like an abusive relationship with his wife.

How can anyone watch another woman being mentally abused by her husband and do nothing. I know I couldn't.

A man who belittles his wife in company is definitely one to avoid.

"He brags constantly about everything" - sounds like the stereo-typical inadequate male with a fragile ego who can only feel good about himself by boasting and denigrating others (usually women... easy targets).

And, if it's been made clear to him that you are spending time with family whom you don't see very often and he insists on bombarding your husband with messages and 'phone calls for meet-ups, then it's obvious he's completely oblivious to other people's feelings. A thick-skinned, egotistical, completely self-centred individual... your husband needs to nip this in the bud ASAP by whatever means if he's going to be constantly bumping into him in the club.

He's obviously no respecter of boundaries, so your husband may have to be fairly blunt. Other than telling this man that he's an oafish bore, you (your husband) could make it clear that you have an 'intense' social / private life and don't have much time for additional socialising.

I speak from experience. My late ex-husband worked with someone like this man who also wanted to be friends with us (and who belittled everyone including all the females in his family whom he referred to with vulgar terminology). In the end, my late ex simply had to tell him 'straight' that he found his references to women disrespectful to the women in his (our) own family.

Unfortunately, with these men, it goes from bad-to-worse.

He sounds very insecure and will probably latch onto anyone who shows him any sort of attention.. you could either make a point of saying something each time he puts his wife down so that he will be forced to change his behaviour (unlikely) or stop seeing you.. or you could just refuse all his invitations.. I would find it very difficult not to say something to him and would avoid spending any time with him.. his wife might need a friend though