Pain in the **** 'friend'

Sorry - a couple of punctyation errors but I don't know how to edit.

punctuation

You need to set boundaries with this couple and decide how much time if any you want to spend with them.
The fact that he belittles his wife in front of others would put me off having anything to do with him.

He sounds like a thoroughly unpleasant man! Why does your husband have to see him every week? Is it for work?
If it's not work then he needs to stop taking the calls and start delaying answering the texts... by a day and then another etc. He can say he has a full schedule and meet less and eventually stop the contact.
One can be tired, busy, lacking sleep, ill etc...

'No thank you'

'Oh, not now, we're busy'

'Too tired'

'Family are round all this long break'

'No thank you'

Over and over -- as you would with a poorly behaved child!

Perhaps you could meet the lady on her own, during the day, if you find her good company and leave your DH to deal with the husband at their weekly club meeting?
I think you need to have a long list of excuses ready to get out of meeting up as a foursome though.

I imagine because he sees him at his club Philippa where the OP’s husband first met this man.
If excuses are to be deployed, a good tactic, you and your husband Newatthis must agree and make sure your excuses are consistent.
He sounds very wearing, a bully and desperate.

As AGAA4 says, you need to set some boundaries with this man.

If he's too selfish to understand that you are with family at this time - bombarding your DH with text messages - then clearly he's going to be a problem. And the fact that he belittles his wife in company, ugh!, he sounds like a complete bore.

I think your husband is going to have to make it clear that you are a busy couple with commitments and don't have much time for socialising... kind of thing?

Hopefully, you can see his wife on her own,

Hi interested in others thought please be kind i am a sensative soul
My father who was abscent all my life from 7 - 55 came back into my life i am now 64 i like his company and we are very close but i have still got baggage re abandonment he can be very nice one minute and totally rude aggressive insensative and downright childish and thoughtless too when i see him for short periods i can endure this but my mental health is fragile and the last 2 times of spending 3 or 4 days with him completely wiped me out and i fell into a black hole by hubby and sone cant tolerate him at all but do for my sake and me and elevate the pressures with his contant talking put downs critism snobbery inappropriate chat eg he thinks a superior to most got a rep and was a bit a gangster in day hes has ostracized everyone around him and he is constantly telling lies recently he said he wants to come and visit for a few days but i dont know how to handle it all and it causes difficulty as we dont have the extra money for entertainment etc i feel so mixed up what shall i do??

Tell him there's a virus going round the house,you wouldn't want him to catch it

That sounds a good plan Georgesgran

@Nannyof4mummyof2 try posting under a new thread you may get more support.

Unfortunately , this happens frequently the wife is nice and the hubby a complete bore and occasionally the opposite !
I know that my father lost friends through my mother's icy snobbish behaviour .
I've seen my daughter ,who is so like her isolate her husband from his friends , due to her insecurities .
I also lost friends , because my partner was so unfriendly and antisocial towards people that he considered his social inferior .

You want to remain friends with one , but not the other .
Stay friends with her inviting her out to shop or lunch .
It's very difficult .
But carefully avoid him as much as you can .
Obviously , his behaviour is so appalling that he has no friends that's why he's attached himself to your husband .
He's bored everyone else senseless .

He sounds very insecure and will probably latch onto anyone who shows him any sort of attention.. you could either make a point of saying something each time he puts his wife down so that he will be forced to change his behaviour (unlikely) or stop seeing you.. or you could just refuse all his invitations.. I would find it very difficult not to say something to him and would avoid spending any time with him.. his wife might need a friend though

A man who belittles his wife in company is definitely one to avoid.

"He brags constantly about everything" - sounds like the stereo-typical inadequate male with a fragile ego who can only feel good about himself by boasting and denigrating others (usually women... easy targets).

And, if it's been made clear to him that you are spending time with family whom you don't see very often and he insists on bombarding your husband with messages and 'phone calls for meet-ups, then it's obvious he's completely oblivious to other people's feelings. A thick-skinned, egotistical, completely self-centred individual... your husband needs to nip this in the bud ASAP by whatever means if he's going to be constantly bumping into him in the club.

He's obviously no respecter of boundaries, so your husband may have to be fairly blunt. Other than telling this man that he's an oafish bore, you (your husband) could make it clear that you have an 'intense' social / private life and don't have much time for additional socialising.

I speak from experience. My late ex-husband worked with someone like this man who also wanted to be friends with us (and who belittled everyone including all the females in his family whom he referred to with vulgar terminology). In the end, my late ex simply had to tell him 'straight' that he found his references to women disrespectful to the women in his (our) own family.

Unfortunately, with these men, it goes from bad-to-worse.

Why does your husband see him every week, is it through business or something else. Until you and your husband puts a stop to this it will continue and you will be dragged further and further into what looks like an abusive relationship with his wife.

How can anyone watch another woman being mentally abused by her husband and do nothing. I know I couldn't.

Very difficult Newatthis. I suspect the husband is desperate for friends because they have been cut off by everyone they've come into contact with over the years. Of course, he won't realise it's because he's an insufferable bore. I expect he also relishes the chance to show off in front of people. I expect the wife, who appears to be a nice lady, is grateful for some social interaction other than her awful husband. However, the bombardment of texts is not normal, especially over the festive period which, from a social etiquette point of view, is completely unacceptable by almost anyone's standards.

You are going to have to put your foot down. I assume these people don't know you or your family/social situation very well. In which case you are going to have to be very busy every time they contact you. Eventually they will stop trying because don't forget they are already very used to people shutting them down. It's either that or your DH finds a different club to join, although I doubt there's a plethora of those around and anyway, why should he. I can't imagine this man is very popular with other members of the club and your DH in due course will discover this which will help him to keep a wide berth.

It’s at a weekly club GrannyGrunter - as described by the OP in her first post.

Knock knock? It's taken!
In other words, your free time is all yours, so if you don't want to see said people (or anybody else) you have to tell them so. That man seems the kind who can't take a hint either, so you'll need to tell him in as many words as possible "thank you for the invitation but no we won't be joining you because right now we have other plans".

If you and your husband are in agreement about this, there isn't a problem.

Stop phoning back or texting answers and if this man rings or meets you in the street and tries to force a meeting upon you, smile pleasantly and say, "Sorry, we are both very busy right now, I will be in touch when we have less on." then don't get in touch.

Alternatively, you could be forthright and say that you find it embarrassing that he makes sarcastic comments about his wife all the time. This may be his idea of humour, but to you it is rude, so you don't really want to continue the friendship.

how about you text her to suggest she 'hold your hand' to go a new women-only aqua-aerobics session, or spa event, or hair salon.
avoid him at all costs.
and your husband should shut him down when he makes disparaging comments about any woman. www.london.gov.uk/media-centre/mayors-press-release/mayor-launches-major-new-campaign-to-empower-men-and-boys-to-say-maaate-to-their-mates-and-challenge-sexism-and-misogyny

My husband is on board with this as he feels the same way as I do, but he has to see him every week which makes it difficult for him. Although the wife is a nice person, I am not too bothered about making her a friend. I have lots of friends who I enjoy spending time with and I feel that if I encourage a friendship with her, he will come as part of the package. I do comment when he says anything derogatory about her but he neither listens or is too thick skinned to take in. He only ever wants to talk about himself, his achievements and what he has done in his life.

I know hindsight is a wonderful thing but when we were young and moved into our first house a lovely older lady across the road gave us some advice. She said hold back on friendships until you know where you are and more about the people. We followed her advice and have learned how useful it was.

Newatthis, this chap has latched on as he can find no one else to put up with him. Your husband may find it useful to observe how others at the club deal with him. It is better to 'bite the bullet' and deal with this now, ignore messages and don't explain why you are too busy for meet ups etc as this will give him room to negotiate! Good luck, I think we've all been there at some point