Paternal grandparent

In my case had I not always suggested visiting/inviting DH parents they would never have seen him or their grandchildren I found out later they didn’t have a good word to say about me.

Oh no certainly don’t let men off the hook.
I dislike the automatic blaming of the Dil by disgruntled in laws where contact ,or lack of, is concerned. Its up to the son to arrange contact with his parents/family but too many don’t,

silverlining48

I don’t have daughters in law but we all know it’s usually women who run/organise things family wise so it’s in paternal grans interests to make a friend of their dil.
Neither of my sons in law contact us , ever, not even just to say hello, so though there isn’t a problem between us they are distant and I have no expectation oF them wanting to make a relationship with us as individuals.

I do agree with this. However let’s not let men off the hook for their responsibility in this as well. It is their job to step up and plan to see their family as well and to speak up. I don’t wanna hear well it’s easier to go along with what the wife says because that again is letting the man off the hook for his part. He is an adult with a car and phone of his own. So if he isn’t allowing and speaking up to have his family involved with his kid that’s on him. I just hate hate hate this narrative of blaming the woman for the action of men.

Also as an aside in general. This isn’t directed to you personally at all. Also I hate this make friends with your DIL so you can have more access to possible grandchild in the future. If you are making friends with someone to gain access to something (or someone rather) they have in the future are you really their friend to begin with? How about being friends with your DIl because she is a human being, your DIL, and most importantly a member of your family. It’s super crappy to just befriend someone or be nice to someone because in the future they may have access to something you want. A DIL isn’t an inch a for your future grandchild.

To be clear, I mean aside from their partner, not instead of.

Exactly, Grams It’s about who the patient is, and what they need.

For many women, they’d rather have their mother, sister or best friend with them when they’re vulnerable and recovering vs anyone else, including their partner’s family. It’s about the relationship, not the title.

Just as if it were the guy recovering from surgery, I’d expect him to rather have his parent, sibling or BFF vs someone from his partner’s family. Especially if he needed help with personal care.

BlueBelle

I m both a maternal x2 and paternal nan
Do what is asked of you either way and don’t look for problems but I do think it’s natural to be closer to your daughter than your daughter in law but NO difference in your love for your grandchildren

To those saying they don’t understand
A daughter will want her mum with her usually at birth or soon after, less so the mother in law surely that’s normal Nothing to do with loving a son less that doesn’t make sense

I agree. It has nothing at all
To do with “loving a son the same as a daughter “
It’s about in this instance , your daughter in law recovering from birth and learning to be a mother , not your daughter, it’s that your SON isn’t the patient recovering or learning to be a new mother. Saying what’s the difference in having you over her mother, well
It would
Be like your son wanting his father in law not his father to be the one helping him recover from a vasectomy. New mothers tend to be more comfortable with their mothers while they recover. If we are respectful and understanding of thatI’ve found as “the paternal grandparent” it works out in the end

I m both a maternal x2 and paternal nan
Do what is asked of you either way and don’t look for problems but I do think it’s natural to be closer to your daughter than your daughter in law but NO difference in your love for your grandchildren

To those saying they don’t understand
A daughter will want her mum with her usually at birth or soon after, less so the mother in law surely that’s normal Nothing to do with loving a son less that doesn’t make sense

I am a paternal grandmother and the relationship with my DIL and GC could not be better.
I have been there for them from day 1 and there has never been any indication that I should take a back seat to her mother.
I love my DIL as I do my own DC.

paddyann54

I've never understood this "the bond is naturally much closer" stuff.I love my son just as much as I love my daughter and their children equally.Its only "different" if you make it so.
My son and his partner told me first about their new baby ,brought the first scan pictures here to cheer me up when we'd had bereavements to cope with and know their new baby will be as loved as her sisters and cousins .WHY should it be any different?

You mention you love your son and your grandchild but not your DIL. Is there tension there? feel bad if that’s the case

The husband and father also thought it was rude flappergirl which is why he apologised, because it was rude. You don't have conversations in a language that your invited guests do not understand, when you are able to converse in the language they do understand.

I answer to your question, Oldnproud, my DiL speaks fluent English and her mum is learning fast and can follow much of the conversation. When I am with them both they speak mainly in their language with one another and the baby. If dad is around, it is the same but he speaks very little English and so that situation is different.

Quietone

Thank you for all your comments. They are very helpful indeed. The situation is made a bit harder as my DILspeaks her first language to the baby and her family when I am around much of the time that in itself leaves me feeling more of an outsider. I am working on getting to know my DIL and as Grams2five said, respecting her as a wife and mother first and following
their lead.

Are they planning on doing a bilingual home? In that case, perhaps they are doing “one parent one language”?

Is your son there when you visit? Do his in-laws speak English?

I’d just give it time for now. It sounds like you are being welcomed into their home. Try to relax and bonds will form naturally.

paddyann54

I've never understood this "the bond is naturally much closer" stuff.I love my son just as much as I love my daughter and their children equally.Its only "different" if you make it so.
My son and his partner told me first about their new baby ,brought the first scan pictures here to cheer me up when we'd had bereavements to cope with and know their new baby will be as loved as her sisters and cousins .WHY should it be any different?

I think the OP means that unless there’s been bad feeling or estrangement, the DiL is going to be closer to her own mother than to the MiL, so there will probably be more contact between them - and the paternal GM may feel less welcome to visit as often.
It doesn’t mean that the paternal GM will love the baby any less.

Quietone

Thank you for all your comments. They are very helpful indeed. The situation is made a bit harder as my DILspeaks her first language to the baby and her family when I am around much of the time that in itself leaves me feeling more of an outsider. I am working on getting to know my DIL and as Grams2five said, respecting her as a wife and mother first and following
their lead.

Then I think you’re well
On track - respect is a good solid foundation to any relationship. May I ask does
Her family speak English fluently? If not perhaps this is why this ia happening? Otherwise I do think it’s quite rude to exclude you. If not I can see it
Just being hard to manage communication with both at once

Smileless2012

When we were visiting our DS in Aus. we were invited by a Greek family to a lovely meal. While we were there, the mother and two of the children started to converse in Greek.

The father looked very embarrassed, apologised and said we must think them rather rude. I said nothing but suspect the look on my face said it all.

You were invited very graciously to a Greek family's home where they treated you to a lovely meal. They were not relatives or close friends I assume so it was even more gracious of them.

During the evening the mother and two children of this Greek family spoke to each other in Greek and you showed obvious annoyance and disapproval?

I'm sorry but I think you were the rude one in this scenario.

Quietone

Thank you for all your comments. They are very helpful indeed. The situation is made a bit harder as my DILspeaks her first language to the baby and her family when I am around much of the time that in itself leaves me feeling more of an outsider. I am working on getting to know my DIL and as Grams2five said, respecting her as a wife and mother first and following
their lead.

But do your dil's family all speak /understand English well enough to follow and join in themselves Quietone? If so, then yes, it is inconsiderate of them to not speak it when you are there, but it might be a bigger problem for them than you realize.

My own dil has always spoken her first language to her daughter, our dgd, as that is the only way dgd is likely to grow up bilingual, and we wouldn't have it any other way.
That said, she (dil) will always repeat anything said in English if necessary.
However, when her parents and grandparents visit, things are different, as their grasp of our language is no better than our grasp of theirs, so it is unreasonable to expect all the conversation to be in English, especially if there are more of them present. In that situation, dil tries to translate but it is mentally exhausting for her to do that for long.

(I have tried to learn my dil's native language, and her mum gas tried to learn English, but neither of us can follow conversations in the other's language, though when left alone we often manage to communicate simple things through terrible attempts at each others language plus a lot of miming. Good fun, especially after a few drinks, anyway 😂)

I only have sons, so can't compare the bond I have with them with how it might be with a daughter. But - a big but - I do think that a new mum tends to dictate the course of the grandparental relationship with their child to a much greater extent than the dad, and that is what you are experiencing.

I am lucky, as I like my dils and get on OK with them, but from the very start I realized that my relationship with them would never be a mother-daughter one. I advise any new grandparent , but particularly those on the paternal side of the new family, to have no specific expectations and to just go with the flow.

New mothers will naturally go to their own mothers for advice and support when it comes to motherhood because a woman's own mother raised her, wiped her tears and was her biggest cheerleader for her whole life. The relationship is totally different to a MIL/DIL relationship that happens much later in life. It's similar to the fact that your son will likely ask his own dad for fathering advice before his partners dad. I would just stand back, offer help if they need it but not push for anything as they are trying to navigate having their own little family.

Daughters naturally gravitate towards their mothers, as I did. I have a son, no daughter, but I accept his wife will naturally be closer to her mother, though we have a very good relationship. Both we and daughter in law’s parents live some distance away, but the baby is fairly shared out, if I can put it that way! I am not the demanding or interfering sort, and am grateful for the contact I have.

I think the new mother naturally is closer to her family so they are more involved with the baby, however it is up to the father to make sure his family are involved, rarely do new fathers take the baby to visit his relatives, they have the same rights as the mother to make decisions regarding the baby but they rarely do which causes all the blame regarding low contact on the mother.

I don’t have daughters in law but we all know it’s usually women who run/organise things family wise so it’s in paternal grans interests to make a friend of their dil.
Neither of my sons in law contact us , ever, not even just to say hello, so though there isn’t a problem between us they are distant and I have no expectation oF them wanting to make a relationship with us as individuals.

Luckily I had become friends with both sons' partners long before the first babies arrived and although I lived 150 miles from them, never felt 'left out'. I realise that most new mums have a greater affinity with their own mums, as did I when I had my two, but I never felt that this got in the way of my relationship with the GC.

When we were visiting our DS in Aus. we were invited by a Greek family to a lovely meal. While we were there, the mother and two of the children started to converse in Greek.

The father looked very embarrassed, apologised and said we must think them rather rude. I said nothing but suspect the look on my face said it all.

I think it's very rude to communicate in a language that someone else whose present, doesn't understand. Of course the mother and her family will want the child to be bilingual, but when you're there Quietone they should speak in English.

It's right that you should respect your d.i.l. as a wife and mother, but respect goes both ways and cutting someone out of a conversation because they don't speak the language being used is very disrespectful.

rafichagran

I don't understand it either Paddyanne

As the mother of two boys, neither do I. I love my boys as much as any mother does, whether they have girls or boys.
I do understand that a new mother can feel vulnerable and more comfortable with their own mother.
However, it is sad to read posts on here where the paternal grandparents are considered to be ‘lesser’ beings for a long time after the baby stage.

Thank you for all your comments. They are very helpful indeed. The situation is made a bit harder as my DILspeaks her first language to the baby and her family when I am around much of the time that in itself leaves me feeling more of an outsider. I am working on getting to know my DIL and as Grams2five said, respecting her as a wife and mother first and following
their lead.