Paternal grandparent

Follow their lead. Mismatched expectations are often the root of family problems.

I've never understood this "the bond is naturally much closer" stuff.I love my son just as much as I love my daughter and their children equally.Its only "different" if you make it so.
My son and his partner told me first about their new baby ,brought the first scan pictures here to cheer me up when we'd had bereavements to cope with and know their new baby will be as loved as her sisters and cousins .WHY should it be any different?

I don't understand it either Paddyanne

It has not necessarily anything to do with bonding really but somehow for no reason paternal grandparents are often allocated the back seat.
I know from experience you just have to be patient and your time will come it’s not fair but in a lot of families that’s how it is.

I think key is to be respectful and follow their , and especially your dils lead. Respect her as a wife and a mother first. A solid foundation and respect go along ways. And I agree about mismatched expectations. Also don’t keep tabs. Grandchild is a grandchild for life - so don’t keep score in those early days and let teens at build about who babysat more or first etc

I also think in those
Early days it is more natural to be close when it’s your daughter with the baby. Because it’s your daughter recovering and feeling vulnerable , and emotional and overwhelmed and so often they naturally want their mothers. Nothing wrong with that at all. Paternal grandma can be patient and understanding is this and earn herself much favors.

I'm another one who doesn't understand it paddyann and*rafichafgran*. Possibly perpetuating the myth doesn't help and maybe makes it acceptable for paternal GP's to be, as Redhead's posted often allocated the back seat.

Thank you for all your comments. They are very helpful indeed. The situation is made a bit harder as my DILspeaks her first language to the baby and her family when I am around much of the time that in itself leaves me feeling more of an outsider. I am working on getting to know my DIL and as Grams2five said, respecting her as a wife and mother first and following
their lead.

rafichagran

I don't understand it either Paddyanne

As the mother of two boys, neither do I. I love my boys as much as any mother does, whether they have girls or boys.
I do understand that a new mother can feel vulnerable and more comfortable with their own mother.
However, it is sad to read posts on here where the paternal grandparents are considered to be ‘lesser’ beings for a long time after the baby stage.

I think it's very rude to communicate in a language that someone else whose present, doesn't understand. Of course the mother and her family will want the child to be bilingual, but when you're there Quietone they should speak in English.

It's right that you should respect your d.i.l. as a wife and mother, but respect goes both ways and cutting someone out of a conversation because they don't speak the language being used is very disrespectful.

When we were visiting our DS in Aus. we were invited by a Greek family to a lovely meal. While we were there, the mother and two of the children started to converse in Greek.

The father looked very embarrassed, apologised and said we must think them rather rude. I said nothing but suspect the look on my face said it all.

Luckily I had become friends with both sons' partners long before the first babies arrived and although I lived 150 miles from them, never felt 'left out'. I realise that most new mums have a greater affinity with their own mums, as did I when I had my two, but I never felt that this got in the way of my relationship with the GC.

I don’t have daughters in law but we all know it’s usually women who run/organise things family wise so it’s in paternal grans interests to make a friend of their dil.
Neither of my sons in law contact us , ever, not even just to say hello, so though there isn’t a problem between us they are distant and I have no expectation oF them wanting to make a relationship with us as individuals.

I think the new mother naturally is closer to her family so they are more involved with the baby, however it is up to the father to make sure his family are involved, rarely do new fathers take the baby to visit his relatives, they have the same rights as the mother to make decisions regarding the baby but they rarely do which causes all the blame regarding low contact on the mother.

Daughters naturally gravitate towards their mothers, as I did. I have a son, no daughter, but I accept his wife will naturally be closer to her mother, though we have a very good relationship. Both we and daughter in law’s parents live some distance away, but the baby is fairly shared out, if I can put it that way! I am not the demanding or interfering sort, and am grateful for the contact I have.

New mothers will naturally go to their own mothers for advice and support when it comes to motherhood because a woman's own mother raised her, wiped her tears and was her biggest cheerleader for her whole life. The relationship is totally different to a MIL/DIL relationship that happens much later in life. It's similar to the fact that your son will likely ask his own dad for fathering advice before his partners dad. I would just stand back, offer help if they need it but not push for anything as they are trying to navigate having their own little family.

Quietone

Thank you for all your comments. They are very helpful indeed. The situation is made a bit harder as my DILspeaks her first language to the baby and her family when I am around much of the time that in itself leaves me feeling more of an outsider. I am working on getting to know my DIL and as Grams2five said, respecting her as a wife and mother first and following
their lead.

But do your dil's family all speak /understand English well enough to follow and join in themselves Quietone? If so, then yes, it is inconsiderate of them to not speak it when you are there, but it might be a bigger problem for them than you realize.

My own dil has always spoken her first language to her daughter, our dgd, as that is the only way dgd is likely to grow up bilingual, and we wouldn't have it any other way.
That said, she (dil) will always repeat anything said in English if necessary.
However, when her parents and grandparents visit, things are different, as their grasp of our language is no better than our grasp of theirs, so it is unreasonable to expect all the conversation to be in English, especially if there are more of them present. In that situation, dil tries to translate but it is mentally exhausting for her to do that for long.

(I have tried to learn my dil's native language, and her mum gas tried to learn English, but neither of us can follow conversations in the other's language, though when left alone we often manage to communicate simple things through terrible attempts at each others language plus a lot of miming. Good fun, especially after a few drinks, anyway 😂)

I only have sons, so can't compare the bond I have with them with how it might be with a daughter. But - a big but - I do think that a new mum tends to dictate the course of the grandparental relationship with their child to a much greater extent than the dad, and that is what you are experiencing.

I am lucky, as I like my dils and get on OK with them, but from the very start I realized that my relationship with them would never be a mother-daughter one. I advise any new grandparent , but particularly those on the paternal side of the new family, to have no specific expectations and to just go with the flow.

Smileless2012

When we were visiting our DS in Aus. we were invited by a Greek family to a lovely meal. While we were there, the mother and two of the children started to converse in Greek.

The father looked very embarrassed, apologised and said we must think them rather rude. I said nothing but suspect the look on my face said it all.

You were invited very graciously to a Greek family's home where they treated you to a lovely meal. They were not relatives or close friends I assume so it was even more gracious of them.

During the evening the mother and two children of this Greek family spoke to each other in Greek and you showed obvious annoyance and disapproval?

I'm sorry but I think you were the rude one in this scenario.

Quietone

Thank you for all your comments. They are very helpful indeed. The situation is made a bit harder as my DILspeaks her first language to the baby and her family when I am around much of the time that in itself leaves me feeling more of an outsider. I am working on getting to know my DIL and as Grams2five said, respecting her as a wife and mother first and following
their lead.

Then I think you’re well
On track - respect is a good solid foundation to any relationship. May I ask does
Her family speak English fluently? If not perhaps this is why this ia happening? Otherwise I do think it’s quite rude to exclude you. If not I can see it
Just being hard to manage communication with both at once

paddyann54

I've never understood this "the bond is naturally much closer" stuff.I love my son just as much as I love my daughter and their children equally.Its only "different" if you make it so.
My son and his partner told me first about their new baby ,brought the first scan pictures here to cheer me up when we'd had bereavements to cope with and know their new baby will be as loved as her sisters and cousins .WHY should it be any different?

I think the OP means that unless there’s been bad feeling or estrangement, the DiL is going to be closer to her own mother than to the MiL, so there will probably be more contact between them - and the paternal GM may feel less welcome to visit as often.
It doesn’t mean that the paternal GM will love the baby any less.

Quietone

Thank you for all your comments. They are very helpful indeed. The situation is made a bit harder as my DILspeaks her first language to the baby and her family when I am around much of the time that in itself leaves me feeling more of an outsider. I am working on getting to know my DIL and as Grams2five said, respecting her as a wife and mother first and following
their lead.

Are they planning on doing a bilingual home? In that case, perhaps they are doing “one parent one language”?

Is your son there when you visit? Do his in-laws speak English?

I’d just give it time for now. It sounds like you are being welcomed into their home. Try to relax and bonds will form naturally.

I answer to your question, Oldnproud, my DiL speaks fluent English and her mum is learning fast and can follow much of the conversation. When I am with them both they speak mainly in their language with one another and the baby. If dad is around, it is the same but he speaks very little English and so that situation is different.

The husband and father also thought it was rude flappergirl which is why he apologised, because it was rude. You don't have conversations in a language that your invited guests do not understand, when you are able to converse in the language they do understand.

paddyann54

I've never understood this "the bond is naturally much closer" stuff.I love my son just as much as I love my daughter and their children equally.Its only "different" if you make it so.
My son and his partner told me first about their new baby ,brought the first scan pictures here to cheer me up when we'd had bereavements to cope with and know their new baby will be as loved as her sisters and cousins .WHY should it be any different?

You mention you love your son and your grandchild but not your DIL. Is there tension there? feel bad if that’s the case