Accidental grandmother

Thanks you all for your wise and helpful comments so far. And your lovely stroy Glorianny (what a great username). Son is just disappointed that this baby was unplanned from his point of view, and rather sadly has been a bit resentful on the one hand whilst being intellectually accepting of the situation on the other. Every time you have have sex you might have a baby, I've always told him that! Perhaps I have been rather timid about contacting her, I'll press harder for some contact now that it is so close. Although the last I heard she hadn't responded to him over Xmas. He is a very emotional person and I have no doubt that he will feel some responsibility and care for the baby when it arrives. He is pretty confident that it is his actually. (FYI they have never been together, just had a few 'encounters'). Will keep you updated!

"I'll press harder for some contact now that it is so close. Although the last I heard she hadn't responded to him over Xmas"

Are you sure you want to do so?

Not a wise decision given all the signs in the room

She is almost due and has not replied to him

Don't blow it with her and your son by being pushy- be patient

I never told anyone my due dates. What business is it of anyone else other than my husband's - "mid February" or "late December" is enough. I wouldn't be reading anything into that.

Good luck thegeema I think one of the things such a baby does is to wipe out all the things you naturally hope for for your children, a happy relationship, a loving and settled family. You are left with feelings of uncertainty and worry. Hope you can stay strong, and that out of this difficult time will come something wonderful for you, your DS, and this baby.

I would be very insulted to be asked for a paternity test.

I also agree with Hithere. Sound advice. It sounds like you are looking forward to being the grandmom which is a plus for everyone. Just fill that role as Hithere suggests and let your son and mother to be deal with their "own" issues such as paternity, and finances etc.

At the age both parties were when this baby was conceived, perhaps they should have been more careful - many forms if contraception these days!!

Hello, this happened to my son too. aIt was 9 years ago, he was quite a bit younger as was the woman. He was devastated but all is well now and my grandson is a beautiful, senstive child who loves his cousins. I went to see the woman and her mother as she still lived at home and said that I would like to be involved and would support in any way they needed. I felt quite anxious about doing this but I now have good relationships with them all. As the mother works in the school holidays I often help out. I love the saying: "Life is what happens when we are making other plans". I think my advice would to be open and expect the best! It could be amazing.

Have you talked this through with your son and asked how he feels about you contacting the mother to be?....I must admit that the suggestion of writing to her with your contact details is a good one!
It's also worth bearing in mind what you wrote initially ie she was wanting a relationship with your son.
No doubt those emotions could still be in play and affecting how she feels.

My advice to you, and you may not like it, is to stay right out. Listen to your son but don't give opinions, make offers or ask to be involved. Your son knows that you would be happy to be involved and for now that has to be enough.

greenlady102

My advice to you, and you may not like it, is to stay right out. Listen to your son but don't give opinions, make offers or ask to be involved. Your son knows that you would be happy to be involved and for now that has to be enough.

That what I would do, no contact over Xmas is a bad sign

I think you need to back off, be there to listen to your son but certainly don’t barge in and contact the woman. Let him introduce you in his own time. It’s not your baby, it’s theirs, and perhaps she has an equally excited mother who hasn’t met your son yet?

I come from a different perspective. I was 19, pregnant and the parents of the boy whom I had been together with for 2 years kept asking for a paternity test. In those days dna testing was in its infancy and really expensive. The thing was that I had not been with anyone else and was so upset that they thought I was sleeping around. I point blank refused and the parents decided I was therefore damaged goods and refused contact. They were very well off and said I was after the money. They even offered me money if I would ‘get rid of it’. I went ahead with having my little girl in my own. He never even wanted to see her and his parents told everyone it wasn’t his. His loss I had a beautiful little girl but this take is to tell you that asking for a paternity test might well make her very angry. In my case the ‘grandparents’ didn’t want to know. In your case you want to know so you don’t want to upset her. As far as your son goes. I hope he starts showing more interest. He will miss out on a wonderful experience and someone else (I met my husband when she was just under 2) who is for all intents and purposes is her dad, he wouldn’t want that surely? I wish you all the best and that you will be able to have a relationship with your grandchild. You’ll be a wonderful grandmother

I think the expectant mother has seen your son for what he is, and is wisely staying away. She wants this baby and is facing up to the fact that she will be responsible for its upbringing and welfare, and that the father will be little support.

@ grandtanteJE65
Her son can only be named on the birth certificate if he attends to register the birth.

I have experience with this my son was engaged to someone it ended he was heartbroken and his friends asked him to go on a night out. Met a lass one night thing she got pregnant found out when she was 5 months. My son said he would help her out etc similar to yours went to scans etc my bestie said to my son have you done a dna test. He said no baby girl was born bonds were built but this dna thing won’t leave back of head. I got a kit and I said if you 100 percent you got nothing to lose dna test was done and she wasn’t his. So yes I would say to your son are you 100 percent it’s definitely your baby before you get a bond and start buying all these things

I’d tread very carefully here. From what you’ve said, they didn’t really have a relationship, just a few bonks. She had hopes of something more, but he’s knocked that idea on the head.

I fear you might be expecting too much for your future involvement with this child. Maybe writing her a letter is as far as you should go for now. You don’t want to come over as pushy or demanding.

A very helpful range of comments here, thanks again! Obviously good to hear about good outcomes! I'm in no way judgmental or a prude about this, am surprised in fact the it hasn't happened before with my passionate and careless son! Glorianny is spot on again, but thanks all.

I'm with Welbeck A friendly invite for tea, no pressure. Introduction plus she will realise you are positive. In her shoes, I might be concerned about your feelings towards me. Good luck, very exciting

Neatly 40 years ago my brother was in a similar situation and he did not want a permanent relationship. However he did introduce her to the family and they decided to live together initially. Theystayed together for about 3 years, so we all got to know his son well. When they split up I stayed in contact with mother and son while my brother was a bit of a rolling stone but did see the baby regularly. Neither had much money but lived pretty frugally. They continued to live in the same area so baby had two homes throughout his childhood . My son settled with another woman who also had a son. My nephew grew up to be a pretty balanced and happy individual. Now has an excellent career.

As a woman who was accused of trying to pass my second child off as my husband's when he wasn't, I would be more than willing to have a DNA test done to prove my innocence. My ex-husband hasn't agreed to this so now all my son's paternal family have been told this lie so he has lost out on that side although to be honest, it isn't quite the loss he might imagine. However, I am a great believer in knowing one's roots so if I was a woman who was in a short term relationship where unprotected sex was involved, I would not consider the request for a DNA test to be an insult. Many men have been cuckolded so if that test could prove the relationship once and for all, I would consider it a job well done. It could help secure a more solid relationship for my child with his paternal family and would remove the elephant from the room once and for all.

Nowadays, you do not have to wait for the baby to be born before a paternity test is carried out. Paternity test can be carried out using the mother’s blood and DNA sample from the Dad.

You should encourage your son to do this before you get involved.

Buttonjugs, a scan taken later in pregnancy say 5 months in pregnancy is not 100% accurate and has a margin error of + or minus 2 weeks.

Ask for a paternity test if you must but it's a massive risk that the mother to be is so insulted that she refuses to have anything to do with your son and yourself.

Aveline

Ask for a paternity test if you must but it's a massive risk that the mother to be is so insulted that she refuses to have anything to do with your son and yourself.

I was allowed to see the baby until he was 1.. then after a stupid row around access my son demanded a DNA test and she just had no further contact.. I don't know where they live but I have included him in my will.. I still regard him as my GS even though I haven't seen him for many years.. If you go down the DNA route be prepared to be heartbroken

I wouldn't involve myself until after the birth. She may decide to leave the area, he may decide not to continue the relationship and walk away, or he may turn out not be the father. The couple are still obviously reeling from the news. Let the dust settle and bide your time. Its not your place to start playing grandma yet. That says more about what you want, not what the mother may decide. Hopefully they may co parent and involve her parents and yourself.