My OH (of just over a year) refuses to speak on the phone to my oldest GS who is 8. He says it’s because he found him rude the first time he met him a year ago. I have tried to get him to accept that sometimes kids are not at their best when meeting people for the first time. He’s 78 and insists that when he was a child he never interrupted. I’ve tried to tell him that times have changed but he refuses to listen. I’ve asked him to move on and try build a relationship with my GS but he flatly refuses. My OH and I live abroad and he only sees my family 3-4 times a year for a couple of hours at a time. I visit more often. I’m alone at the moment and my GS is coming on a sleepover tomorrow and my OH has told me to tell my grandson to leave me alone in another room and not interrupt me when I am talking on the phone to him. I don’t want to do that because if my GS does interrupt me my OH will sulk and use it as another reason to confirm why he doesn’t like him. He has no relationship with his own granddaughters (8 and 10) and blames his daughter, but I think he is the problem. His biggest concern with his GDs is that they are doted on my their mother.
I think he is being self-centred. I have given up most of my time with my family to live abroad with him but his behaviour indicates that I must always put him first (but without actually saying that).
Advice please.
So can you clear it up now Sandraas I m well confused is it you that has a home overseas or one in Uk or is it your
partner ??
Gosh this gets more muddled as the posts go on
'She only does it to annoy because she knows it teases' (with apologies to Lewis Carroll)
Curtaintwitcher, that is.
Curtaintwitcher
I have a totally different opinion from everyone else here. It sounds as though your grandson is spoiled, hasn't been taught any manners or respect. It is not ok to interrupt someone while they are talking on the phone, unless there is an emergency.
There is this assumption that a new partner must also take on the rest of the family. I don't agree. We all have different standards and your new partner seems to have higher standards than you. Find someone who is as lax on manners as you are.
Oh dear.
Tin Soldier
I am a British citizen so immigration is not an issue for me.
Reading this first, I assumed Sandra had left the UK to live abroad with this man full time but that doesn't appear to be the case. I am also assuming they are not married.
She says:
We had dated for a year in 1965 (so that’s 58 years ago when he was 20) and went our separate ways. We met again a few years ago and saw each other a couple of times since then when I was visiting the UK.
So it seems to be Sandra who is living outside the UK and this man is in the UK.
She says she spends five months of the year in her own home.
She also mentions time differences making things impossible so there has to be a great distance between their respective homes.
She is at her own home at the moment, wherever that is, and returns to the UK on Wednesday.
On some practical notes. Unless Sandra is a British national living overseas, I believe overseas visitors can only come to the UK for six months on a visitors permit. The criteria also says:
… you’ll not live in the UK for extended periods through frequent or successive visits.
www.gov.uk/standard-visitor
There are penalties for infringing these regulations so take care.
That doesn’t help with the problem of this man’s lousy behaviour but I just thought I’d mention it.
There could also be tax implications for someone who lives in the UK for six months or more which it sounds as though Sandra is. Even if her domicile is outside the UK, she could be taxed on any income she brings into the UK, which she may be doing unless she lives off this man’s income while she is here.
Anyway, he sounds like a narcissist playing power games. I wouldn’t waste the expensive airfare going back and forth or leave myself exposed to potential immigration penalties and tax bills for someone this controlling and mean about young children.
I’m intrigued to know if he ever makes the reverse journey or whether it’s just Sandra, who is presumably a similar age, doing all the back and forth.
Apologies if I have missed something or misinterpreted the information given.
Simply this person would not be my partner but history.
sandra13 I know love is supposed to be blind but not deaf and dumb as well.
Quite, Whiff
And, sorry, sandra, please do not be stupid.
Following your recent updates, the issue with your grandson is the tip of the iceberg. He wants you home, in your house, calling twice a day. Good grief, this is ridiculous. You can do better than this, either by yourself or with a different partner. Please listen to advice and part company with him. He will not bring you joy, he will squeeze the very life out of you, suffocating you slowly until you are a shell. There are so many red flags that this will not end well for you.
sandra13 I know love is supposed to be blind but not deaf and dumb as well.
Why are you with a man who has no respect for you or the love you have for your grandchildren.
Why did you leave and go with him. You need to live the life you want . He is acting like a pubescent teenager. He needs to grow up .
Please don't waste anymore of your life with him. Lives to short and you don't want to look back and have what ifs. Nor do you want to miss seeing your grandchildren grow up. As the older they get they will see what he is doing and they will be hurt and hurt at the way you are treated.
Be the woman and mother and grandmother you want to be now before it's to late.
V3ra
Virtually all that sandra13 says about her other half could have been said about my mother-in-law's second husband, and then some.
My brother-in-law once said to her that the man must be good in bed, because he couldn't see what else she could possibly see in him.
Lol. He could be the biggest stud in Europe but I still wouldn't put up with this crap.
Sandra, don't marry him. He'll be entitled to half of everything you own.
Virtually all that sandra13 says about her other half could have been said about my mother-in-law's second husband, and then some.
My brother-in-law once said to her that the man must be good in bed, because he couldn't see what else she could possibly see in him.
Your OH must mean a very great deal to you for you to have agreed to live abroad with him although I appreciate that the relationship is fairly recent. Also, since you have yourself moved abroad , you seem content for your own relationship with your GS to be less intense than many modern grandparents seem to want ( or expect) these days( that's not intended as a criticism, just an observation). That being the case is it possible that you could make light of it , rather than making a "thing" of it, and just get him to say to GS "hello chum, whatever, everything OK .... " rather than framing it as building a relationship ?
No offence but given your GSs and OH's respective ages ,is a highly significant relationship for either party on the cards here ?
Agree that given his relationship with his own GC , he does sound as if he wants all your attention and this could be a Red Flag.
Good Luck.
pascal30
sandra13
GrandtanteJE65
I was talking to him the morning of the upcoming sleepover when he made his “suggestions”. I have called him twice a day for the entire time I have been away. He insists I phone from home - doesn’t like it if I phone from my parked car for example. I make a big effort to make him feel that I am still thinking of him even tho I’m far away - cards, hidden notes at his place. He doesn’t reciprocate.good grief.. he'd have to be extremely good company for me to tolerate these ridiculous demands..
He must be doing something right 🤔
Do you have your eyes shut tight Sandra well honestly if you continue this relationship it will, as my Nan used to say,
‘all end in tears’
How can a reasonable woman even consider being in this type of relationship? He sounds appalling.
sandra13
GrandtanteJE65
I was talking to him the morning of the upcoming sleepover when he made his “suggestions”. I have called him twice a day for the entire time I have been away. He insists I phone from home - doesn’t like it if I phone from my parked car for example. I make a big effort to make him feel that I am still thinking of him even tho I’m far away - cards, hidden notes at his place. He doesn’t reciprocate.
good grief.. he'd have to be extremely good company for me to tolerate these ridiculous demands..
sandra13
GrandtanteJE65
I was talking to him the morning of the upcoming sleepover when he made his “suggestions”. I have called him twice a day for the entire time I have been away. He insists I phone from home - doesn’t like it if I phone from my parked car for example. I make a big effort to make him feel that I am still thinking of him even tho I’m far away - cards, hidden notes at his place. He doesn’t reciprocate.
Move on, get out while you're still young and able.
Good grief - he insists you only phone from home? Sandra, why on earth are you in this relationship?
Dear sandra13 -
Please just read what you have said about him on here and ask yourself what you would say to another person (someone you loved) if you read this about their partner of one year...
Your other half sounds like a bell end. Sorry to be blunt but he does.
GrandtanteJE65
I was talking to him the morning of the upcoming sleepover when he made his “suggestions”. I have called him twice a day for the entire time I have been away. He insists I phone from home - doesn’t like it if I phone from my parked car for example. I make a big effort to make him feel that I am still thinking of him even tho I’m far away - cards, hidden notes at his place. He doesn’t reciprocate.
Lots of red flags in OP.
Refuses to build a relationship with your grandson.
Grandson must not be in the room when he phones.
If he interrupts OH will sulk.
Doesn’t have a relationship with own granddaughters.
You think he is being self centred…..
I would run for the hills and not look back!
To a certain extent I understand your partner. Children interrupting who have clearly never been told not to, annoy me when I am trying to speak to one of the parents on a phone.
As you say, times have changed. Children are allowed to interrupt others today, not potty trained until they are three or four - we could go on all night like this.
We don't need to care for the changes, but we do have to try to navigate through the world we live in.
When visiting your children and grandson, phone your husband when you are alone. Show the man some consideration.
You are behaving as if your grandchild is far more important than your husband. If that is so, perhaps you should consider divorce.
This is not a controlling man. It is a man of 78 who dislikes being interrupted by a child and has said so. It is a little extreme if he refuses ever to speak to the child, but reasonable enough for him to expect that he means enough to you for you to comply with his entirely reasonable request to phone him when you are in a room by yourself.
I’m pleased to hear that Sandra still has a home of her own. This man sounds so unaccepting of the ways of young children before they learn good manners (we all had to learn, so did he) and finds it impossible to forgive an interruption. Now he accuses Sandra of overreacting to his controlling demands. I hope she will find the courage to break away from him while she still can. He will cause her great sadness over her relationship with her grandchild, of whom I suspect he is jealous. Not a pleasant man.
LTB. And I'm a 79 year-old male!
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